Anita,

if ONLY you teamed up, of only you operated like a Team instead of you vs. him, instead of you letting him know that he does not  measure up to what you need him to be

I always did want to be a team with him but I guess my ways of doing it was incorrect. In the very beginning I had this weird feeling that this was the person I wanted to fall in love with and love. Now, I’m thinking was I just trauma bonding with him? I felt close to him because we came from similar childhoods?

Good night!!

-Tee

Just because you had the childhood experience that you had, which requires healing, it does not mean that any and every man you meet is right for you (and therefore, if  you were healthy enough, you would have realized it).

Thank you for the insight Anita. Maybe you are right, I may need to see a psychologist before I think about having any relationship with anybody. Maybe I kept trying and trying with him in hopes that he ends up fitting the “perfect” mold I want him to be in. Or, I just didn’t see him trying and he gave up on me too because I’ve been fixated on him fitting my description of a relationship. He’s unsure about starting a family and having kids so that’s why I walked away. I just didn’t want to be hurt four years down the line when he makes up his mind. I didn’t want to chance getting my heart broken then. Maybe I’m running away from pain after experiencing it so many times. I never imagined my personal life being this way. All I ever wanted was to be loved.

Thank you, for your time. I really appreciate the feedback.

-Tee

Hi, Anita

This unmet need for positive, calm attention is the reason why your need for your boyfriend’s attention is intense: “I told him to just give me at least one day out of the week to hangout and spend time… to text me more throughout the day.. 2 hrs of undivided attention“.

You missed them/ needed them so much, but they didn’t miss you or need you back much; it is this lack of reciprocity that still hurts in the context of your boyfriend: “I felt like I was the only one feeling, doing.. trying to make time… I just miss him more than he does”.

Wow, I never looked at it that way. Maybe when I thought I was being strong I was just desperately calling for help. Now, that I think about it I did miss them a lot when I was alone and wanted to go on vacations or do family things like everyone else. I remember when I was able to have friends and I went over to my friend’s house and saw her family dynamic it gave me an utter shock. They were so close knitted, supportive, and loving no matter what. It made me feel sad and jealous almost. I couldn’t understand why I wanted so badly to be a part of them. Looking back it makes sense, I just longed for that family dynamic. Now, it makes sense why I was always over her place, it was to somehow feel that family atmosphere. I considered them my second family at that point and they sort of adopted me too in some way. They didn’t mind me and I felt so happy. I feel like they kind of saved me in a way. Maybe, they saw through me and stayed by me. I’m still in contact with them and they consider me part of their family.

I just cried writing this. A lot things are coming to light now. I guess I really needed to talk about it. Maybe this quarantine is making me think and look at myself.

For the longest time I felt like everything was okay with me and my parents. I just repressed and ignored them honestly now that I look at it. I somehow became very good at repressing certain feelings and emotions it seems like.

I guess in this relationship I’ve been trying to get everything I didn’t have growing up.

As, much as I love my parents I really need to remove myself from their lives for the time being until I can truly recuperate and acknowledge my repressed memories and emotions. My parents are immigrants so they require a lot of attention and involvement.

Makes me appreciate my boyfriend more now because he’s been able to stay sane with me despite my emotional roller coaster and unreasonableness.

Thank you Anita & Valora! I appreciate this more than you think. I didn’t think I would get so much. Talking is good.

-Tee

Hi Anita,

If you want to share with me more about the relationship between your parents, please do. Share not how you interpret that relationship now, but what you saw/ heard/ felt about their relationship back then, when you were a child.

I kind of repressed a lot of memories to be honest and it is a bit hazy. I don’t think my mother ever realized how her relationship was affecting me. I didn’t know it was affecting me or how I really felt about. I knew I was sad and wanted to help but didn’t know how. I remember trying to tell her to stay strong and maybe fight back if she could. I knew one thing for sure that how she was being treated was wrong. I remember her always telling me it’s just problems between adults and to ignore what’s happening. I did as I was told and stayed in my own world. I did not have any playmates growing up. I did not get to have friends til I was in high school. My parents had this paranoia that I was going to get kidnapped every two seconds since we lived in a bad neighborhood. I studied hard and did not question much since I didn’t want to give them another reason to argue.

I remember my dad always being controlling over her whereabouts, who she spoke to, and who her friends her. He was always suspicious that she was seeing other men. Both my parents had to work at the time and my father would not like the fact that she was working. If she was late just 10-15 minutes coming home from work he would be very angry and call her to see where she was.

When I was 15 my mother got into a terrible accident and she could not work (even til this day she can’t work because her knee is severely injured) and he did not look after her. The responsibility at the time fell on me. I took care most of the legal matters and doctor’s visits. We do not have family nearby nor friends that could help out.

Now, that I think about it we only went to one family vacation and never again. We weren’t very fortunate and lived in a cramped one bedroom apartment til I graduated. I moved away shortly after and now I live with them (reliving the moments of childhood) because I can’t afford to live on my own for the time being (1 more year til I have my own place).

Oh, by the way I’m of South Asian decent and they are pretty traditional and hence why I can’t live with my boyfriend. My mother knows about my long term boyfriend but my father doesn’t. He’s extremely traditional. I could live in secret but I want to respect my parent’s values/traditions.

Also, I live in the East Coast 🙂 hello~

Thank you!

-Tee

Hi, Valora

Maybe I did forget we are two different genders and that women are more emotionally receptive than men.

I think I’ll read that book soon. Not like time is running away any time soon.

I honestly though it was normal for couples to interact for more than an hour a day. I based that on my friends and their partners.

I honestly can’t wait to see a therapist and get these emotions in check. I want to have a stable relationship.

thank you,

Tee

Anita,

After writing all that and reading it myself I realized those are problems only I can fix and I’m aware of that. I just want to feel I guess warm inside and feel safe somehow around him. Maybe I’m looking for some magical phrase or sentence to make the pain go away. I did look into therapy and I decided to take on that journey this year but I guess life had other plans this year.

I guess 2 hours is unrealistic I suppose. We don’t live together so I just really miss him more than he does. I told him that and he told me it would be better if we lived together. For various reasons at the moment I can’t. Maybe, I was just not seeing reality.

In the beginning of the relationship my feelings were not as strong as they are now so no, I didn’t demand much from him. I told him that as well. He, just didn’t know how to respond to that either.

It’s true. I guess I went through this relationship through one perspective and one way of loving someone.

(sigh) guess I need to see a therapist and figure myself out more. Maybe I didn’t heal as much as I thought I did over the years.

I just felt utterly lost as to what to do and how to react once I had this realization. I needed an outside perspective that wasn’t in my friends circle.

I appreciate the response thank you!