Anita,

This is where I’m at a loss of words as well. The two strongest things i feel are that

a) I maybe would’ve found it easier to accept had I’d been with someone else(Just a hunch and most probably incorrect)

b) I sometimes get this feeling of doubt and worry if I’m missing out on something in life and what if this feeling of doubt i get impacts our relationship in a bigger way later

Peter

I myself do not know why I’m unable to tear my eyes away from the said ‘wall’. That’s why I’m here, to understand why this is affecting me so much and why I can’t shut off my eyes to it and move on without it tearing my relationship apart.

Also I do not understand what you mean by trying to recreate a past hurt. Could you elaborate?

It’s true, my girlfriend’s input on the situation hasn’t helped my case at all. After all the discussions, she suggests I take a break to figure out things and decide what I really want.

I wish I could elaborate further on the inadequate part but unfortunately this is where I draw a blank. It can be best summed up as inadequate and I’m unable to describe why or how exactly it makes me feel inadequate

What resonated with me about your post is that I know and understand the concept of monogamous relationships, I see people around me in them and I see them happy. But i feel they’re happy because they’ve experienced things in life. I feel they’re comfortable with the choice they’ve made and the sense of finality attached to it because they’ve seen and experienced the different things. It’s not about x number of people, it’s about not just one. It’s like I’m on The Price is Right and I’ve made my decision on the first even before I’ve seen what’s behind the other doors. And my girlfriend has seen the other doors and she knows that this is what’s right for her, that this is what she chooses. I’ve never had and will not have enough information to go on and feel like I’ve made an informed decision. I feel if she hadn’t hooked up, I would’ve been fine with her being the only person I’ve been with even though I wouldn’t have been the only person she’s been with because the fact she was with someone before me never ever bothered me.

Anita,

My girlfriend had just the same reaction when I voiced these concerns to her.. But no, my simple solution is not to hook up and level out the scores so to speak. I cherish what I have with her and we have seen each other through a lot for me to just end the relationship so I can go hook up. Cheating is obviously out of the question because apart from it being wrong in itself, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself seeing myself follow in my father’s footsteps. I feel stuck and distressed not because she has been with other people, but because I’ve been with nobody but her. It scares me that this feeling of worry I get now, the feeling of nagging i get in my head sometimes will grow into something larger that will eventually destroy our relationship.

About what distressed me before and why the relationship was such a rollercoaster? I had one proper relationship before this and she unfortunately cheated on me. So being cheated on, coupled with my parent’s failing marriage left me angry and paranoid. I found it hard to commit. As our relationship progressed I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. This wasn’t something that happened because we were incompatible but because I pushed her away because the idea of investing in a relationship again terrified me. I was scared and didn’t want to be cheated on again and I formed a notion that all relationships end badly. So I lashed out and pushed her away and broke up. She fought for me and we decided to give it another chance, which unfortunately ended in a similar fashion. After this we just cut each other out of our lives and decided to go separate ways (which is when she started seeing other people) and eventually fate brought us together again and I decided to grow up and really put effort into this relationship and not let the notions i had formed of relationships affect me. We’ve come a long way from how we started and I’m really proud of it. She has made me a better person and she’s helped me through a lot of issues in life especially my problems with commitment.

I felt empathy for my mother and have grown up to be closer to her than to my father. Needless to say my relationship with my father is a bit strained. I was angry and still feel angry sometimes even today.

However, I feel have been misleading with my title. I am unable to shake off her past. The impact my parent’s relationship created on my life and relationships is a separate issue i guess

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by DP.

Not really, no. My mother made sure we were protected from whatever was going on in their relationship. I had a fair idea of what’s going on but she never really made a show of what she was going through.

Thankyou so much for the back and forth on this by the way!

Anita,
Thankyou for you reply. I agree that an experience for me may as well have been unsatisfactory for me. However it is not having had a chance to be able to experience it, unsatisfactory or not, is what worries me. I sometimes wonder if having been with just her all my life will affect our relationship down the line. Specially when it isn’t the case for her.

Is it wrong of me to think about it this way?

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by DP.