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Bonni_mor

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)
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  • #382078
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Alright Anita, thank you! I will do so

    #382076
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    We had spoken at length about those variables. He understood that I didn’t want us to be in a LDR again and that I wanted to pursue this personal goal subject to him being able to go with me. If either of us were not accepted, we would not go. I have always supported him in pursuing his goals, as aforementioned, at my expense and I expressed that I will not be able to survive another separation, whether to pursue my own goals or if he wanted to pursue his, again. He now suddenly appreciates the opportunity a lot more than he did after being accepted for the scholarship and believes it to be his fate and what God wanted for him, which hurts me because I don’t think he appreciates how this affetcs me. Further to my previous question, how do I communicate this to him without giving him an ultimatum, because I genuinely cannot experience another LDR.

    #382070
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    I would like to preface this thread with saying that I am using a borrowed account to send this submission. My sister informed me that it might be helpful.

    #306795
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Peggy,

     

    We cracked under the pressure and I was on anxiety medication because of what Iā€™ve been going through, so we jointly decided to break up.

    Iā€™m inconsolable. But relieved. Thank you both for your words.

     

    ?

     

    #305147
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi Peggy,

     

    thank you for your contribution.

    you seem to have misinterpreted what I have said. We are not using sex to fix the relationship. The romantic relationship is fixed, we are experiencing sexual problems, which is more a business rooted in the mind. Not only an emotional one.

    Sexual challenges are a big thing, but I think itā€™s not the end of a relationship because it can be navigated. Iā€™m just expressing that it has become difficult to try and navigate it because we both feel under a lot of pressure to perform.

    Yes, it may be medical. He hasnā€™t been for a check up yet.

    I am willing to accept that he is not the right person for me, but I truly donā€™t believe it right now. We really are great together otherwise.

    #305145
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    just to confirm, Iā€™m referring to the same incident. I dealt with the brunt of it in March because I was still writing exams in February and couldnā€™t really focus too much on the affair at the time, so I refer to it as having happened in March only because that is when I truly dealt with it, but it happened in early February.

    His plans have not changed. He is still moving in August.

     

    I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust and not having been honest. Iā€™m not happy that he cheated on me but we have come out the other side in a much better place. We communicate a lot better, weā€™re more vulnerable in ways we never have before, heā€™s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together because we are great together and we love each other. I wouldnā€™t say my trust is fully restored but I have committed to making us work.

    I also believe that my judgment is in tact because he has been able to relay how he feels a lot and that has allowed me to make decisions based on whatā€™s real and that affirms to me that my judgment is good. Therapy has however helped me accept that human beings can shock you sometimes and when they do, I should be able to receive it just as that, and not account it to who I am. I canā€™t foresee everything and that says nothing about my judgment.

    I can also play a role in adopting poor judgment by not addressing uncomfortable issues. The latter is what I did because his reason for cheating stemmed from the sex problems, which I also took issue with but didnā€™t express to him.

    Overall, he is a great man and who has owned up to his mistakes. I do trust my perception of his feelings and commitment towards me now. I would just like to figure out how we fix the sex issues because we both want to.

     

    #282211
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Anita,

    You cannot continue speaking to my heart like thi! Lol 4 years into it, and still. I have been hoping you would respond to this.

    Wow. You have read my heart. I donā€™t believe, even if we gave it a fair shot, that I will feel secure enough to continue a long distance relationship with him. Even if he seems to change his behaviour now and it seems he has chosen to treat our relationship with the dignity it deserves, my perceptions of him and our relationship have been thrown so off kilter that I cannot trust my judgment enough or believe that he wouldā€™ve truly changed. I will always wonder. Once bitten, twice shy. I can forgive that he is human, but I will always consider that he has betrayed me.

     

    thank you for reaffirming a position that rings true to who I am. Your words have resonated deeply. And thank you for your kind words of healing, as always.

    ?

     

    #282127
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    I agree, I will be staying at my place.

    He has reassured me that he wants to change his behaviour because he values our relationship and does not want to lose me. To be honest, I was more concerned about what lead him to entertain exes than I was on the reasons for him wanting to change. That is a great point.

    He has broken all forms of communication with the ex.

    Iā€™m most interested in determining your last paragraph. How do I achieve this. I donā€™t know why I should trust him again. Well, bearing in mind that he chose to do this right beside me, I fear the worst for us being in different time zones. It is not reassuring to me that I have access to his phone because I am not that person. It will not validate that he is trustworthy to me.

    #196385
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Absolutely yes. I will be sending that message very clearly.

    Your words are appreciated.

    #196383
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Poppyxo – Spot on.

     

    I have had the conversation with my boyfriend, he advised that I do what I feel will benefit me in the end. Which is true. Initially, Iā€™d thought my silence would be self-explanatory, but it seems to have given the adverse effect of giving him hope. I will have to send him a text to say as youā€™ve all advised because he is being quite intrusive at this point and my family members do not need to be roped into anything. Particularly because I donā€™t need to either.

     

    thank you for your words.

    #196381
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    CBD- forgive me but you have completely misunderstood. And false-diagnosed.

    Your purview that indifference is the cookie cutter emotion for having moved on is very imposing. You cannot define for anyone other than yourself what moving on from a past relationship looks like. Well, at least not for me.

    One can communicate their position to an ex-lover without being hateful or insensitive Ā  and that is what I wanted advice on. I have indeed moved on.

    He has not done so. I was just updating to state that my silence did not work in this particular instance.

     

    #196257
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Update.

    You couldnā€™t have been any more precise. He has resorted to texting my family. Asking for ā€œadviceā€ Ā regarding me.

    He is definitely Ā desperate, but Iā€™m definitely feeling like my silence is aggravating the issue. Heā€™s clearly out of touch with reality and disillusioned about who he still is to me.

    Urgh. What. To. Do.

    #177849
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Thank you Brandy!

    I donā€™t want him to think that the reason I donā€™t want to engage him anymore is because I have a boyfriend, thatā€™s not it at all. I donā€™t want to speak to him because it wonā€™t serve me, itā€™ll only be to help him, which I donā€™t owe him. Ā I stopped caring a very long time ago, which took a lot of work. And I did that on my own. He must help himself move on too.

    #177845
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Urgh, Inky. THANK YOU.

    He repressed his loss and now he canā€™t avoid it. He has to do the emotional labour now. Explaining why I donā€™t want to speak to him or that I donā€™t want to also makes me feel like a landfill for his emotional waste. Like I must still reason for you WHY I donā€™t owe you a conversation?

    He can go see a shrink. Call a hotline. I donā€™t owe him anything.

    Thank you, again! ?

     

     

    #177843
    Bonni_mor
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 29 total)