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Tatjana

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
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  • in reply to: How to see your romantic potential? #172203
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    That was very articulate. Not enforcing a time limit is something I do. And I do not just do it with my mother, but with other people. Iā€™m getting better at it, though. But because the child has unmet needs, listening to other peopleā€™s feelings becomes some kind of currency; you listen to others and you expect them to do the same, because you desperately need it. And when they donā€™t give back as much as youā€™d want, youā€™re crushed, again, and again, and again. Iā€™m afraid to love because I know I have insatiable needs.

    Thank you, you shed some light on my situation. And I think my fatherā€™s indifference was harmful to my mother more than to us (I mean, it was, but indirectly, as you explained).

    in reply to: How to see your romantic potential? #172171
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    Iā€™m sorry it took me so long to reply. The truth is, sometimes, iā€™m very committed to my growth, and sometimes i am a little bit less. Iā€™d rather not deal with these things and go through the motions, see some people, go to work, etc. It always does come back to me so maybe i should go through these things. Life urges me to live, though; people around me have no patience for my sad story, and i get that. I cover it up pretty well, and in time, i forget about it.

    ā€œI believe that a mother who spends a lot of time alone with her child, and who is and acts ā€œtoo attachedā€ to the child, is more harmful to a child than a father who spends way less time alone with the child and who is indifferent.ā€

    I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this, in a more general kinda way.

    I have good parents ā€“ theyā€™ve always provided for me and my sister. They were here every step of the way. I always say, though, that they are pretty emotionally unintelligent. My mother is so invested in our lives emotionally that weā€™ve always spent more time reassuring her than living our lives. My father is just a very withdrawn man, who is pretty good at dealing with crises, but otherwise just quiteā€¦absent. Iā€™m stressed out in situations when iā€™m alone with him cause we donā€™t share anything. Iā€™m comfortable with sharing with my mother, but i honestly lost a lot of respect for her over the years because she is so selfish, and i was completely blind to that before.

    Overall, theyā€™re the unhappiest people I know. They are alcoholics, they hate each other (i mean, mostly, my mother hates my father), and they are very isolated. In general, Iā€™m thankful for what they did for us, but very sad about the way they live their lives.

    I blame them still for the fact that iā€™m unable to take care of myself. My sister is better at it than i am. I am prone to depression, and self-destruction. I think those are the main lines.

    And linking it all back to the problem at handā€¦actually, i donā€™t think i can link it. Thereā€™s something missing in all this. I know that if i binge eat, itā€™s mostly due to fear. The fear of not having anything better coming ahead. The fear that, with this body, and this face, nobodyā€™s ever going to love me.

     

    That was quite long. Again, sorry for the late reply. I wish you a great day!

    in reply to: How to see your romantic potential? #171175
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Anita,

    I get a little bit lost in my thoughts and you go back to the issue at hand. Itā€™s very helpful.

    I remember when I was seeing a therapist, she made me write a letter to my younger self. I think the point was for her to see the evolution and to encourage compassion for myself. I really noticed then that I was hurt by my parents. Yet, if Iā€™m not reminded of that often, I tend to forget, and just hurt myself on top of everything. Itā€™s just mechanical. The only way Iā€™ve found of dealing with my parents is to be as far as possible from them. I feel this might have been the reason why I travelled so much in the past three years. Iā€™m quite restless.

    But now obviously I want to settle. Iā€™ve started having experiences of loving relationships, as you said, just very recently, with a couple of friends and my psychologist (this last one was obviously unilateralā€¦I did have a sense of Agape when talking to her, and it made me feel safe and loved). The thing is, I think Iā€™m still a child within, cause if Iā€™m not reminded daily that Iā€™m loved, by these specific people who truly love me, I just completely reject myself. My self-love is conditional.

    I was wondering. Why do you assume my mother hurt me (and not my father)? Itā€™s strangely true, I mean, my father hurt me as much but it doesnā€™t seem as significant.

    Thank you, Anita!

    in reply to: How to see your romantic potential? #171107
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Quirine,

     

    Thank you very much for your reply to my post. Iā€™m strangely happy when people understand what Iā€™m trying to say. I mean, I donā€™t want anyone to feel that way, but Iā€™m also aware that everyone carries their struggle.

    The thing I find weird with self-love is that itā€™s so essential, as you said, and it should probably be instinctiveā€¦I mean, itā€™s a matter of survival. Yet none of use seems capable of it. Iā€™m particularly bad at this. Everyone around me knows that; Iā€™m a rather self-hating individual. Itā€™s not even active self-hate. Itā€™s not something that Iā€™m trying to show to others; thereā€™s no rebellion there. Itā€™s just very obvious. I appear joyous and confident to the outer world, like, very confident, but everyone who knows me is shocked by the way i treat myself. Youā€™re so right about it being a practice. You truly have to set self-love as a goal, daily, to try and get some of your self-esteem back. Thereā€™s this artist I love who once said: ā€œthere is no success. You have to start again, every dayā€, and I think there is so much truth to that.

    As for the story, itā€™s here: https://tinybuddha.com/topic/guilt-guilt-and-guilt-post-breakup/

    A long time ago! Thanks again šŸ™‚

    in reply to: How to see your romantic potential? #171105
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer, as per usual. Youā€™re quoting the Bible and this hits home for me, as you probably know.

    A lot of people have linked my eating disorder to my past relationship. I always try to disconnect from it but the truth is, the way I behaved in this relationship is kind of an endless source of arguments for self-hatred. I donā€™t think about it consciously anymore. But some part of me believes that I am not made to be with someone.

    It would be okay if protecting myself hasnā€™t become more damaging thanā€¦well, not protecting myself. I have ups in my life, but the downs are always right around the corner and are always linked to a lack of self-esteem, and, as a result, some form of self-destruction and a lot of escapism. I have trouble dealing with reality in general, the reality of love, the reality of life; thatā€™s how I interpret my need for isolation. A long time ago, isolation was good and enjoyed. Now, as Iā€™m watching others live and achieve, I just feel lonely. and underachieving.

    Iā€™m both scared that people will take too much of my time and space, and that they wonā€™t and that Iā€™ll end up alone. This is a paradox that I canā€™t seem to renconcile in my head.

    Always so much fear. Thank you for being curious about my situation and for being willing to help because itā€™s as I write these things down that I realise how much fear there is in me! It obviously comes from the way I was raised. My parents are people who never allowed themselves to live. They donā€™t pleasure, theyā€™re self-destructives (alcoholics and heavy smokers). My mother is too attached to my sister and I, whilst my dad has always seemed indifferent. I think maybe some of the paradoxes come from that.

    Anyways, thank you so much, again. I am always appreciative of your help.

    in reply to: a thing of stream of consciousness #168346
    Tatjana
    Participant

    You should describe yourself as a poet! Loved it.

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #168344
    Tatjana
    Participant

    It means a lot, because you have a way of being real, and very objective. This is really what I need to keep sane sometimes. Take care!

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #168308
    Tatjana
    Participant

    So correct, on so many levels.

    The behaviour is partly wrong, and then partly not wrong (especially when iā€™m eating when hungry, or eating so called ā€œforbidden foods). So sometimes, not being okay with my behaviour is normal, and the behaviour should stop, as you said. But sometimes, itā€™s the judging that needs to stop, and the behaviour should be accepted. Itā€™s difficult to navigate an eating disorder, cause itā€™s both bad habits and constant guilt.

    Thank you, it put things into perspective.

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #168264
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was reading your message and trying to look away ā€“ Iā€™m still ashamed and Iā€™m so afraid of judgment. But your answer was full of compassion and reason, and for that I thank you so much.

    I did go and buy food. I didnā€™t really deprive him, but I was more ashamed of him finding out I eat cold food at inappropriate times, standing up in the kitchen. I donā€™t want him to think Iā€™m a freak. It was such a ridiculous scene.

    Iā€™m trying to rationalise now and deal with just a little bit of shame.What you said really resonates with me cause I donā€™t think you can live without shame ā€“ itā€™s a good human emotion. But it needs to stay under control.

    Thank you so much Anita!

    Tatjana

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #168246
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Hi guys!

    Just to continue on this thread, and because something quite shameful happened to me today, Iā€™ve decided to vent a little. Just because I feel such shame that I canā€™t talk to anyone about it.

    Iā€™m staying at my friendsā€™ place these days and anxiety has been building up. Iā€™m going through a lot of (positive!) changes these days, but somehow that makes me freak out. And so today while my friends were out, I started eating leftovers from the fridge. My friend walked in on me. I was so, so ashamed, I tried to hide it, then I invented some stupid excuse. He was obviously not buying any of it, plus he knows of my problem because his girlfriend told him.

    Now, if we were that close, I would talk to him. But I canā€™t. So weā€™re just here, in the same appartment, sitting in silence, and honestly shame is awful cause it makes me want to die.

    So I know youā€™re supposed to go past shame. Itā€™s really a major factor in self-destruction. But I donā€™t know how to deal with it. Anyone?

     

    Thank you guys, I wish you a good day!

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #160750
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Also, may I just say, your commitment to this thread and to this site, is amazing and inspiring. Thank you for what you do for others.

    in reply to: How to FEEL love? #160746
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Rich,

    Because I can relate to many things you said, I will assume things in my answer. Please do tell me if Iā€™m wrong.

    Anyway, I was raised by loving parents. I have a sister that I love. There were tough things in my childhood, but I believe this is true for everyone. My parents, in my early years, were particularly stressed, and even as a baby, judging from what they told me, I could feel it. They were never very good with pedagogy, but they taught me very important things (about helping others, mostly), and most of all, kept me very sheltered.
    I am a very sensitive person because 1) thatā€™s who I am; 2) my parents never encouraged independence. This led to me feeling very insecure about things I could and couldnā€™t do. Mostly I felt like I couldnā€™t do many things. Also, the tension between wanting to be my own person, my own selfish person at times, and wanting to be a good, helpful person, started building up.

    I am a humanitarian worker. Just like you, I thought helping others was who I was, and I was terrified, and still am, of people seeing my true, sometimes ugly self. I spent my life giving love, on everybody elseā€™s terms, and then resenting the fact that I wasnā€™t receiving it. Then I suffered my first break-up, and then I started suffering from various mental illnesses that were very self-destructive.

    The reason for all this, the reason for depression, in my opinion, is the tension in your beliefs. You want to be loved, yet you think thatā€™s completely incompatible with being a good person. Cause in your head, a good person is someone who gives, not someone who receives. I binge-eat to hold on to the rejection that makes me the ā€œgoodā€ person that I am. The one that gives, and then self-destructs.

    I donā€™t know how to overcome this. I know youā€™re not alone. And I know that the solution probably doesnā€™t lie in something very radical, or perfect. Itā€™s about balancing these two things in your personality. You seem to be very self-aware, and you seem to actually care about other people. Itā€™s not a big act, or a big lie; but the more you push love away, paradoxically, the more giving love will be draining and will seem like something you do just to feel good about yourself. Itā€™s not. You are a caring person, accept that fact; but youā€™re also someone with needs. itā€™s not even a matter of ā€œtaking care of yourselfā€, being the best person you can be, etc. Itā€™s a matter of, if you donā€™t do this, you wonā€™t survive. So go deep. CBT is very good for these kind of things.

    Please let me know if itā€™s unclear. Iā€™m trying to organise my own thoughts and itā€™s actually good to talk to someone who seems to mirror some of my behaviours.

    Good luck with everything. Take it slowly with that girl.

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #160536
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    Thank you for your inspiring words. Discipline is necessary with the eating but also with everything else ā€“ the ultimate goal is not to stop the ED, but to be happy, to me. I will try and take more steps towards that goal. A while ago, I started journaling everything but I stopped. I feel that this could be helpful.

    Thank you again, it means a lot šŸ™‚

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #159952
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    All of this was so well thought out and intelligent, thank you so much. I need this in times of confusion.

    I got all the right moves for a while there. I was enduring, as you said, and I was looking after myself with deep empathy, to the point where I cried about myself quite a few times. But then, I seem to forget. This is why I come here, in hope that someone will remind of the steps I need to take. I feel less alone, thank you.

     

    in reply to: Why do we self-destruct? #159728
    Tatjana
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

     

    I never thought of it that way! Never really studied the recovery process, I donā€™t know much about its phasesā€¦but what you say definitely makes a lot of sense. Moderation is a hard thing to achieve, especially in times when you have to shake up your routine. I tend to be a bit lazy with my efforts and my eating plan, and slip back really easily because I think Iā€™ve got it all under controlā€¦ actually, suffering from an ED probably requires constant diligence and vigilance. I definitely struggle with that.

    Thank you for your advice!!

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)