Dear Anita,

That was very articulate. Not enforcing a time limit is something I do. And I do not just do it with my mother, but with other people. I’m getting better at it, though. But because the child has unmet needs, listening to other people’s feelings becomes some kind of currency; you listen to others and you expect them to do the same, because you desperately need it. And when they don’t give back as much as you’d want, you’re crushed, again, and again, and again. I’m afraid to love because I know I have insatiable needs.

Thank you, you shed some light on my situation. And I think my father’s indifference was harmful to my mother more than to us (I mean, it was, but indirectly, as you explained).

Anita,

I get a little bit lost in my thoughts and you go back to the issue at hand. It’s very helpful.

I remember when I was seeing a therapist, she made me write a letter to my younger self. I think the point was for her to see the evolution and to encourage compassion for myself. I really noticed then that I was hurt by my parents. Yet, if I’m not reminded of that often, I tend to forget, and just hurt myself on top of everything. It’s just mechanical. The only way I’ve found of dealing with my parents is to be as far as possible from them. I feel this might have been the reason why I travelled so much in the past three years. I’m quite restless.

But now obviously I want to settle. I’ve started having experiences of loving relationships, as you said, just very recently, with a couple of friends and my psychologist (this last one was obviously unilateral…I did have a sense of Agape when talking to her, and it made me feel safe and loved). The thing is, I think I’m still a child within, cause if I’m not reminded daily that I’m loved, by these specific people who truly love me, I just completely reject myself. My self-love is conditional.

I was wondering. Why do you assume my mother hurt me (and not my father)? It’s strangely true, I mean, my father hurt me as much but it doesn’t seem as significant.

Thank you, Anita!

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful answer, as per usual. You’re quoting the Bible and this hits home for me, as you probably know.

A lot of people have linked my eating disorder to my past relationship. I always try to disconnect from it but the truth is, the way I behaved in this relationship is kind of an endless source of arguments for self-hatred. I don’t think about it consciously anymore. But some part of me believes that I am not made to be with someone.

It would be okay if protecting myself hasn’t become more damaging than…well, not protecting myself. I have ups in my life, but the downs are always right around the corner and are always linked to a lack of self-esteem, and, as a result, some form of self-destruction and a lot of escapism. I have trouble dealing with reality in general, the reality of love, the reality of life; that’s how I interpret my need for isolation. A long time ago, isolation was good and enjoyed. Now, as I’m watching others live and achieve, I just feel lonely. and underachieving.

I’m both scared that people will take too much of my time and space, and that they won’t and that I’ll end up alone. This is a paradox that I can’t seem to renconcile in my head.

Always so much fear. Thank you for being curious about my situation and for being willing to help because it’s as I write these things down that I realise how much fear there is in me! It obviously comes from the way I was raised. My parents are people who never allowed themselves to live. They don’t pleasure, they’re self-destructives (alcoholics and heavy smokers). My mother is too attached to my sister and I, whilst my dad has always seemed indifferent. I think maybe some of the paradoxes come from that.

Anyways, thank you so much, again. I am always appreciative of your help.

It means a lot, because you have a way of being real, and very objective. This is really what I need to keep sane sometimes. Take care!

Dear Anita,

I was reading your message and trying to look away – I’m still ashamed and I’m so afraid of judgment. But your answer was full of compassion and reason, and for that I thank you so much.

I did go and buy food. I didn’t really deprive him, but I was more ashamed of him finding out I eat cold food at inappropriate times, standing up in the kitchen. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak. It was such a ridiculous scene.

I’m trying to rationalise now and deal with just a little bit of shame.What you said really resonates with me cause I don’t think you can live without shame – it’s a good human emotion. But it needs to stay under control.

Thank you so much Anita!

Tatjana

Dear Anita,

Also, may I just say, your commitment to this thread and to this site, is amazing and inspiring. Thank you for what you do for others.

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your inspiring words. Discipline is necessary with the eating but also with everything else – the ultimate goal is not to stop the ED, but to be happy, to me. I will try and take more steps towards that goal. A while ago, I started journaling everything but I stopped. I feel that this could be helpful.

Thank you again, it means a lot 🙂

Dear Inky,

I never thought of it that way! Never really studied the recovery process, I don’t know much about its phases…but what you say definitely makes a lot of sense. Moderation is a hard thing to achieve, especially in times when you have to shake up your routine. I tend to be a bit lazy with my efforts and my eating plan, and slip back really easily because I think I’ve got it all under control… actually, suffering from an ED probably requires constant diligence and vigilance. I definitely struggle with that.

Thank you for your advice!!