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Tania

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #305549
    Tania
    Participant

    In other words, the yelling out wont stop. At least not in the near future

    #305547
    Tania
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    that’s right. I work in a very abusive environment. I’m in my last year of surgical training (7 years after medical school). Things have improved but we (especially surgery trainees) still experience a lot of abuse, mostly verbal. There’s a culture of bullying, toxicity, sexism and plain meanness. There’s also a lot of passive aggressive behavior and issues among the surgeons, lots of  drama. It’s taken a lot of action from the graduate medical association in the country to change the culture but it’s still there. I had some tough times a couple of years ago but now that I ‘have thicker skin’ like the surgeons say it doesnt bother me as much. At least not to the point of crying every night.

    #305533
    Tania
    Participant

    Gregory, you made me laugh 🙂

    I agree and I’d judge myself as well as I read my words and it all sounds terrible. It’s good that there are people that can point things out and help me gain perspective.

    #305521
    Tania
    Participant

    Thank you everyone-

    I didn’t contact him this weekend. I was working so I was busy most of the time. I haven’t had urges to text, more like check his ‘stories’ on snapchat because I used to do that all the time (anyone on snapchat would know that those stories are just an ‘attention seeking–attention giving’ tool,  ha!) but Im no longer on the app. Good thing. I haven’t had facebook or instagram or any other social media in several years so that helps.

    Chloe Rose– thank you for sharing your experience. I can see why self hatred would make this worse or prolong this situation. I did some thinking and I also feel like the way Im treated at work can trigger some of my behavior. Im often yelled out and other things and when I go home I just want to go to a happy place. Im making my home, husband and doggy my happy place now. I’ll be finishing in this place in one year and hope to find a nice happy workplace as well.

    Will keep you updated and thanks again,

    Tania

    #305093
    Tania
    Participant

    Thank you. I will work on this and hope I can help people in the future like you all do.

     

    T

    #305065
    Tania
    Participant

    Thanks everyone,

     

    I’ve been feeling bad about this for a while and this week I just couldn’t take it anymore. Your insight helped me. I realized Im being ridiculous and being dishonest and immature.  I texted him this morning and although I had so many things to say, I took Peggy’s advice and kept it short. Tame Impala’s song, ‘eventually’ has been playing in my mind for days so the text I sent him had some tame impala vibes 🙂

    I said: MJ, you know I’ve been drawn to you since I met you. Im changing and getting older, I need to move on. I’m happy to see all you have accomplished and wish you happiness. T

    he read it but didn’t reply. A few hours later I deleted my snapchat account and blocked his cellphone number.  It’s sad but I know with time we will both be happier. Thanks to Anita , Mark and Peggy for your advice. I couldn’t talk to anyone in my circle about this.  To Anita, I will try to get better on my own before seeking therapy. My work schedule is tight.

     

    Sincerely,

    tania

     

    #304969
    Tania
    Participant

    Thank you all for taking the time to think about my situation and respond.

    Im feeling embarrassed and sad after I read my own words and your comments. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t mean anything to him and that what I’m doing is pointless and hurtful for my husband and myself. And for MJ as well.

    Anita, you’re right that there are no basis for a friendship. And I have been dishonest.  Regarding the ‘7 pathetic years’ what I meant to say was that for 7 years I engaged in this pathetic game. My past 7 years have been great, I love my job, have accomplished a lot and have enjoyed spending time with my husband and our dog. Im sorry I didn’t write that correctly.

    Peggy, I’ve always known that when he said that he wasn’t ready or looking for a relationship, it mean with me. It’s been clear that he never considered me as a potential girlfriend. Maybe that fueled me to continue the chase. I couldn’t take a no. I felt the rejection and the pain and all this time all I wanted was to get his attention in  a way. I look back and remember that often times when he would text me often I would lose interest, I just wanted his initial response. Not sure how to explain it. Or if he would text me several times I’d get annoyed. I like the thrill of knowing he’s still paying attention to me, maybe a punishment for rejecting me all those years ago. I may be his distraction from a busy day.  I think this has lasted so long in part because he would give and take in a way. There were times we barely talked and times he would see pictures that I was on vacation somewhere and he was upset I didnt tell him.  When I got engaged he didnt talk to me for months. But then he would act disinterested and so on. Before I met my husband and he had another girlfriend I stopped texting him. He was the one texting me and sending me pictures. I decided to play the game and look where I am now. What a mess I am.

    I thought about all of this last night and have felt so many emotions that have been building up for a while. I thought about how to put a stop to this. Do I send him a message saying that im ready to go on with my life and that our communication is not letting me move on or should I not say anything and delete snapchat? I feel like explaining things to him may be too much. It’s not like we are close friends.  In any case I will take the first step to end this today. Thanks everyone and sorry for typos.

     

    Tania

     

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Tania.
    #304899
    Tania
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Thanks for your response. I don’t want to separate from my husband. I love him, there’s nothing wrong with him and we have a happy life together. I know what im doing is wrong and I will stop.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)