Oh certainly, my Catholic beliefs are dead. And they are dead because God/Universe perhaps wanted me to see a bigger picture.

You mentioned a ‘shaking’. Here’s what Taoism says:

Tao means a road, path, way; and hence, the way in which one does something; method, doctrine, principle. The Way of Heaven, for example, is ruthless; when autumn comes ‘no leaf is spared because of its beauty, no flower because of its fragrance’

This has certainly been ruthless.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

It doesn’t matter Anita,

I can’t go on living like this. I have to accept that my life is over. You are probably right about Kundalini. I certainly don’t believe that God exists, or he would have to be the biggest arsehole in the Universe, and unspeakably cruel with it.

I just keep having these episodes of intense emptiness inside me, and they are growing more prolonged. The person I used to be has died. There is just this zombie shell in his place.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

Dear Anita,

I had to do a lot of research into all this. People I once dismissed as nuts now suddenly seem quite credible to me. People such as the late Dolores Cannon. According to her, what set the alarm bells ringing was the detonation of the atomic bomb in 1945. A lot of people have ‘incarnated’ since then to try to bring an end to the ‘beast system’. I don’t know if this is actually true, I am just grasping at any information I can get.

I don’t believe I am special, I believe I am extremely unfortunate. Nor do I suspect I am the only person who this has happened to. You have no idea just how frightening it is to be reminded on a daily basis that nothing of this existence is real. And once you learn that, you can’t unlearn it. My sense of self, of who I am and what I believe in, has been totally shredded.

There is no actual Heaven, there is only a consciousness, a state of happiness and bliss. But getting there is extremely frightening because you go through de-realization and de-personalization along the way. The higher your vibrational level, the less contact you wish to have with the material world, even your own family. Their often trivial pre-occupations just become white noise in the background. Sadly, people are not only asleep, they are retreating further and further into a virtual world of iPhones, Facebook and Twitter, and their children are following them. It is all very frightening for humanity from where I am standing, but they can’t see it. Yet I envy them in their ignorance. They are in a world which is familiar and comfortable to them.

There are no Kundalini teachers where I live. There is nothing except You Tube. To be honest, I find it very difficult to watch these people’s videos because they have a tendency to waffle and ramble. For people like me, it’s basically sink or swim. Learn or die. Old fashioned evolution.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

I am not just rejecting Christianity, I am eschewing the spiritual path altogether.

It brought it home to me this weekend just how horrible spiritual awakening is. There’s nothing nice about it. You’re up and down like a roller coaster. When you’re down, you crave a ‘higher vibration’, and when you’re up, you begin isolating yourself from family and the things you think will ‘ground you’. It all just becomes background noise. But then it gets worse, because if you stay in a ‘high vibrational state’ for very long, you become de-realised and depersonalized. I have now chosen to stay grounded for as long as possible. Plenty of meat and alcohol for me.

I see them fuckers in church and it makes me laugh. They all want to be ‘close to God’, yet the brainless twats have no idea what that means. It means mental breakdown, psychosis, depersonalization, de-realization, hospitalization, anxiety and depression. I am so fucking angry that this has happened to me. Really angry and really pissed off.

Tannhauser

Thanks Anita,

I have decided to give up my Christian beliefs from today. They are no good to me anymore. I have outgrown them. I am angry at myself for being so naïve all these years. I never had one communication from this Jesus character, not one. Other people’s experiences of him read like some slushy romantic novel. I now wonder if these mostly single and lonely people are simply making these things up out of desperation and loneliness. It’s odd how some people claim to have close relationships with ‘him’ and yet others like Mother Teresa essentially spent the best part of forty years as an atheist. None of it makes any sense. It’s a load of shit. I give up.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser.

Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for engaging with me. I feel very lonely and isolated at the moment and it is good to be able to talk to one person at least.

Today has been a bad day, and once again I have had to suffer in secret for fear of being rejected and hated by my own family. Yes, hated. It is quite incredible what fear can make people do, and I have certainly experienced just how nasty my parents can be in their fear of the unknown. Suffice it to say, I don’t want to revisit that experience. Last night I had heavy energies entering my head again, and this afternoon I broke down and sobbed on my bedroom floor at the realization that I cannot escape this ‘process’. I now know  full well that there is no ‘good-man-in-the-sky’, as you put it. My prayers and pleading have fallen on deaf ears. There is nothing but radio silence. C.S Lewis called God the ultimate vivisectionist because ‘He’ refused to respond to Lewis’ anguished prayers as his wife lay dying of cancer. But I would rather conclude that God doesn’t exist. It is easier. My experience has shown that whatever is driving this process is impersonal and quite unconcerned with human suffering and emotions. It does not bother itself if it puts people in mental hospitals, ruins families or destroys relationships. It is certainly not concerned in the slightest by the emotional and psychological problems it has caused me. And so I would rather conclude that this ‘impersonal’ nature is indicative of the Universe and not some ‘Heavenly Father’ archetype. I also do not believe the angelic archetype either. These are human constructs. If there are ‘angelic beings’, they certainly do not, in my opinion, care about us in a fuzzy, warm Victorian slushy way. They are more concerned with following their own agenda and generally avoiding the shitty third density of Earth as much as possible. They try not to get soiled or stained by it.

I still believe I have some connection with the planet Neptune. Just don’t ask me why I believe this, because it is batshit crazy. Neptune is a gas giant and can’t support life.

The Jesus of the Judaeo-Christian Bible never existed. That much is clear to me. That’s not to say there isn’t some sort of spiritual/mythical Christ, but I haven’t come across him yet. I am not having a Christian experience, and that’s an absolute shame because I wanted one and it would have strengthened my faith. But it wasn’t to be. Instead I got Paganism and then nothing except weird dreams. No communications from God, or Jesus, just weird dreams. Dreams in which I am actually two people: one awake in one location, and one asleep in another. I actually keep making reference to this as I speak to other people in my dreams. Enter extra-terrestrials and Dolores Cannon’s spaceships in which one half of us sleeps whilst the other lives on Earth. Scary, scary shit. Please bear in mind that I have served the Judaeo-Christian God as a church organist for well over twenty years. I would never entertain such ridiculous nonsense about alien life before, but now it is becoming a distinct possibility.

All I want to do is go back to how things were. Back to a world I understood. But I have swallowed the ‘red pill’ and I can’t.

Thanks for your time Anita, I really appreciate it.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

Thank you Anita for your thoughtful post.

My experience began in August 2013. Up until then (health issues aside) my life had been quite normal. The ‘experience’ seemed to start shortly after I began taking some new medication prescribed by my consultant. Everything happens for a reason, and as things turned out, the ‘awakening’ was going to use this medication to mask what it was doing to me. The Universe/God is very clever. Perhaps I should say, devious. So when I told my parents what was happening they would naturally assume it was the effects of the medication. This was probably to preserve their free will. Their right not to know. Then a few months later I had a strange episode whilst I was practicing a new piece on the piano. It was a mental vision of Jesus Christ, and He looked very concerned indeed. That would be my last spiritual experience of anything remotely Christian. A year later I had another experience which pointed to the Greco-Roman god Bacchus/Dionysus. Here’s where my experience correlates with Jung’s and Nietzsche’s. It is true what the ancient mysteries stated. If you fight against this figure/spirit, he/it will drive you insane. Dionysus is akin to Kali of the Kundalini process. You can have nice Kali, or you can fight against it and have horrible Kali instead. You can be like King Pentheus and get torn apart by the Maenads: e.g. your madness. During my research into Kali I came across the Black Madonna. These statues are not, like some priests would have us believe, stained black by candle smoke. They are deliberately created that way because they do not refer to Mary and the Child Jesus. They refer to the Goddess giving birth to an initiate. These are all dark, occultic secrets, and I have not come by them myself. I came to understand them through the supernatural. It is as you said yesterday, there is a wonderful universal nature or truth which runs through all religions and beliefs, but the dogma gets in the way.

Anyway, back to the process. After Bacchus/Dionysus there came Tammuz, St Bernard of Clairvaux and the Knights Templars, a bit of King Arthur and the Rosicrucians, Odin and Freya, Neptune and Vesta and then finally, Portunus (which was unbelievably synchronistic). There have been no more references to gods/goddesses since last August. Instead, I did see the face of a green man in a tree, and I have been seeing a lot of hares and rabbits lately (most of them weren’t connected to Easter either.) I am getting the message that what we dismiss as myths or fairy tales actually contain great spiritual truths in them. I could have spent weeks researching all these things but I had to stop myself because it was like disappearing down a rabbit hole.

I think what causes me a lot of harm is my own ego. This process would be full of wonder and I would be a much happier person if my ego didn’t spoil it. My ego is all about fear and self-condemnation, and I am not really enjoying the process because of it. I spent far too long trying to make things fit, instead of just enjoying the ride and trusting the Great Spirit.

I am not sure what the end result will be of this process, but I do know now that it was planned before I was even born. There is an incredible coincidence here. My brain expanded rapidly shortly after birth, and now, forty odd years later, I am getting energies pouring into my head practically every evening which are bringing about an expanded consciousness.

My hero is William Blake. As far as I am concerned he is a prophet of England. But he didn’t care if he didn’t fit the mould. He wasn’t bothered if people labelled him insane. He just got on with what he wanted to do, and what made him happy. Another hero of mine is King Ludwig III of Bavaria. Again, narrow-minded, shallow society called him a nutcase, but he did his own thing and built wonderful dream castles. You have to do your own thing in life if you want to be happy and you have to speak YOUR truth.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser