I fully accept that I am turning into a complete arsehole. I never claimed to be anything different. I used to be a nice person many years ago. You would see me in photos and I was always happy and smiling. Then, in 2006 I entered what turned out to be a decade of absolute hell and my character changed. I tried to stop myself becoming an arsehole but the misery and suffering was unremitting. I felt that life was victimising me and it made me hard and bitter. Today I fell out with my mother over something that was very trivial but which was exacerbated by underlying bitterness and frustration at my rapidly deteriorating health. I am indeed an arsehole.

@rideeta: I try to distract myself all the time. I play the harp, write poetry, paint and compose music. My poor health is slowly destroying all these things. When chronic pain is at its worst, the pain signals that are sent to your brain results in a ‘brain fog’ which makes concentration very difficult. All I have left to express is anger.

I agree. God is the biggest load of shit we ever invented as a species.

My parents aren’t overtly religious. In fact they rarely mention God. You don’t really notice the Catholic mind-worm when your young, in fact my experiences of Catholicism at school were largely positive. It’s only later, when you run into the difficult issues concerning sex that the problems crop up. Should you have the misfortune to read the Magisterium’s thought on such subjects, you’ll feel so dirty and worthless that it can actually cause suicidal ideation. I stopped testosterone medication because of this, that’s how much of an effect Catholicism still has on people’s lives. I just wasn’t allowed to be human.

My life was much better when I was a child, when God never entered my head. I believe religion and belief are forms of mental illness. The more you concern yourself with God in your mind, the more unhappy you become.

At the moment, I have never felt as unhappy in all my life, which is why I’m dumping spirituality for the sake of my sanity.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

Anita,

The problem with Christianity is that it is a religion of excuses. We make excuses for difficult parts of the Bible, for God’s erratic behaviour, or for the fact that the Bible is wrong about the nature of the Earth and the solar system. We also make excuses for the bad behaviour of so-called Christians with the immortal line: “the church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints”.

I am tired of the excuses. What this man has done has really hit me hard and I don’t think I will get over it. I will have to leave now, I’ve seen through it all.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

There was only me and him in the church porch. No one else was around.

But I am at least grateful to him for allowing me to see organised religion for what it truly is: a total sham. A delusion, along with that book of shit that goes by the name of the Bible.

I am now of the firm conviction that there is no God. I’ve been through too much and seen too many other people suffer and die slowly whilst on dialysis to believe in it all anymore. It is utter, utter crap. I’m done with it. How can we possibly believe in a God when there is nothing to measure such a thing by? There is no justice in this world. Therefore there is no God. Simple.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

I didn’t say anything anita. I was just shocked. This man had spent the previous 20 minutes saying the Rosary along with everyone else. It clearly had no effect on him whatsoever.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

Thanks for your kind words anita.

From my perspective I have realised what an utter sham and a farce this life is, with people going around trying to fit the roles society expects from them, prostituting and prostrating themselves before the machine of Capitalism, in the hope they will be allowed to work so that they can continue as a cog in the capitalist system to prevent the loss of their home, car, spouse, or children’s education, and to be given the privilege of not starving to death. This life is not a dream, it is a terrible, terrible nightmare. A nightmare which can only be lived through by people who are totally unaware of it. This life is also NOT free. Ask any homeless person. Such people are unable to even wash in public toilets in case they are arrested or moved on by the police. They can’t even wash in the river because most of the land is privately owned.

My dysfunctions will always make me a burden and a nuisance to the capitalist system. And I will always think like that because they have convinced me that’s what the system thinks of me. The British Government has been hounding the sick and disabled for several years now. The British Government has put 8.000 sick and disabled people in their graves, stripped autistic children of their schools, removed free transport from children with cerebral palsy, and has deliberately made people homeless by putting them in arrears with their landlords. This is a disgusting world, and if ‘God’ created it, then He/She/It or whatever the fuck it calls itself, is truly evil.

Best wishes,

Tannhauser

Why would I thank you? You offered nothing constructive or helpful to say, hence my abrupt reply. I didn’t need a lecture.

Play hardball and I will do the same.

Tannhauser.