First of all gratitude Anita for answering my posts, I also have enjoyed reading your straight forward style of writing on many posts. I do totally understand what you are saying, and I sense also my anger stems from the past where my eldest son’s father let him down, so massive trigger for emotional outbursts, and your right for totally knowing what the future will bring.
I can see if I simply thought ‘okay he let the children down by going to see his girlfriend for two days after working away for 3 weeks and knowing he had taken her to work with him’ I could stop and sit with the feeling and make no judgement. I guess I feel if I do this there is a sense in condoning what he’s done, but also I could just say after collecting my thoughts that that behaviour is unacceptable.

I think giving myself a conscious practice week of sitting with feeling and thought, ask the questions you quoted above and see how it goes, practicing is key, to making the change I believe. I also perhaps could meditate and affirm ‘I will not lose it in front of this man, I am able’ or similar!

Yes be present, accept what is now.

You were married for fifteen years- together 15, married 2006.

It was a painful relationship for you.- He had a very harsh upbringing, then lost both parents by the time he was 19, lived in his family farm forever, refused to leave, lived with his identical twin, we lost him at 27 and his older brother died 2 years previous. To be with him I had accepted moving to his family home with my son, (now a condemable) property with his twin brother and his girlfriend where for many years his siblings would come and go whenever they wanted.Though he chose to be with us, he also chose not to, he was always too busy, I guess you could say always up for the fun part on which we connected hugely, we never argued, yet any responsibility he would evade I guess, hates being answerable to anyone,I put up with this. But at the time my thought were we were so close in one aspect, and I loved him and he loved me. I assumed we’d grow together as we grew up.

I was angry and bitter at him for allowing his family to treat me like they did, they didn’t want us to marry, put conditions on the barn we bought(so my name couldn’t be added), though I worked hard and also put my inheritance in. I also became angry at him putting him self first always, example in four years of my boy playing football, he came to watch twice, he doesn’t show interest in the children’s interests unless it’s something he enjoys and openly would say Why would I do that I don’t like it. Angry at making our life so hard, like no heating, frozen pipes and no water year in out for a long time, some thing he was just used too. Being unable to join me in meeting the basic needs of his family, yet making me feel I was asking for the world, ungrafeful etc…We had both grown up very differently so would have very different standards of living. I ended up treated him badly as so much resentment I know that’s wrong, I see that.

Relationship- business and children- Example he has been away for 3 weeks working festivals, taken my eldest, and I felt really proud and pleased he had stepped up, getting my son a job and looking out for him, only to find he had abandoned him to go off with his new woman for much of it. He lied about being behind schedule so may not be coming home Friday, he was lying my son said he was going to his girlfriend on the way and had drop my eldest at a train station. His children have really missed him and were expecting to see him on Friday. I called him and said it would benefit all of us if he was just honest, I guess he was scared of perhaps my reaction. I told him he owes me nothing, but owes it to his children not to confuse them and be honest.

I feel that any question regarding anything that is emotionally based or based on responsibility is avoided, he has pretty much refused to engage in conversation about the relationship saying it’s over and that’s it. I had tried to connect with him over the year on things that were a little more soul searching, he hated it. I felt our relationship needed to grow and strengthen in new ways for it to survive. It didn’t. So when I say fake I mean we talk about the weather, the children, the business, it’s like we now have no common ground but this. I find this hard when you’ve had 15 years together, letting go has been hard. And yes, perhaps it was fake before to some extent, then I began to look for more truth in myself, who I was, why I did what I did…living for the weekend didn’t cut it anymore. He said I was far too analytical and heavy for him. I want to be pulled up on my behaviour and interactions and don’t want to put up with being evaded. I want to love my self, I want the children to see their worth too.

I feel he chooses not to think about what he does, an excuse to behave in his own favour I think, I want to pull him up on stuff, when it effects us, but do it in a non violent way, a way that also helps him to be truthful, less evading.

I hope that helps more, thank you.