Hi Little Buddha,

Well, my resilience grew back a few months ago, when I was upset and stuck on a woman. TB helped me through the discomfort. In the process, I am now more resilient. Ta-dahh! Seriously – ta-dahhh! 🙂

The key is to push ahead as much as you can despite things falling apart, or trying to fall apart.

My childhood was very challenging – A lot of discomfort. I stuck by my values – hard work, honesty, friendship – and learned to cope with chaos.

As a teen, I worked in a restaurant kitchen. This is good experience in handling diverse challenges including failure.

My masters program was very challenging. I learned a lot about figuring out things on my own and with others, while under great pressure.

Challenging myself in the gym has made me more resilient.

There are and will be many more challenges that I will find uncomfortable. Like the one that brought me to TB. It’s a journey. 🙂

A few tips for you to try:

1. Get going even if you are anxious. You will figure it out once you are ‘in the game’ vs. procrastinating or giving up before starting.

2. In real time, if the challenge seems large, break it down and take it a chunk at a time. In tennis this is a point.

3. Realize that you will fail. And, you will learn from that failure. It may feel like suffering. It’s ok – this is accepting part of life.

I was not much of a Phish fan, but I like The Line. It’s about choking in sports.

You might watch other tough tennis matches to see how the players Handle it. You’ll see a range of people crying, throwing their rackets, and hugging their opponents.

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.

J

Re: Matt … agreed.

You said you had your own period of emotional confusion. Have you forgiven yourself first? You are seeking rational answers to explain your emotions. Best to accept them and send them on their way if you want to be with her. That is, forgive yourself and her.

You might do well having a couple sessions with a professional to reason and feel this out. I have done this a couple times and it was an enormous help to me.

Big blue

Hi J,

Try some new activities together. Maybe things you share interests in, or maybe something new to both of you. Old things might bring up old feelings. You can create new experiences and in living them together either see that it works or that it does not. Try new things.

What do you think about this idea?

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Big blue.

Hi Popi,

One benefit is improved fitness. Another is just being in the experience. I ran regularly when I was younger. After a few miles I would get into a good rhythm. Then some runner’s high. This was running outside.

Recently, I have done spin biking inside. This is fun in a group and a great workout.

Take advantage of the experience itself. Lose your other thoughts. This has benefits.

Big blue

Hi lil.lily,

I can understand somewhat – at the foundation I think – because I had some abuse as a child, and then a few years ago I tolerated an emotionally abusive relationship for a while before I ended it. She was repeatedly accusing me of cheating, and she would get really nasty after a couple drinks. Nuclear fights. Awful. She had issues that caused her to do these things – probably abuse in her past – and without getting through her own recovery she was perpetuating abuse herself.

Really and truly, as others have said above, you need to focus on building up your self esteem, and reject any abuse that may start to come your way in the future. That means identifying it and stopping it immediately. That also means reframing yourself as a healthy person. Yes, you had some abuse, but that does not define you. I know this is easier said and read than done having lived it.

My advice is to take action and think and feel that you are healthy. You become what you believe and what you do. Rather than list what this means, I offer you the question to pursue: what do I do to be healthy? Go find out and do these things.

Big blue

Hi Mariposita,

You raised a good question for those of us who may personalize, or take to heart, this sort of cloudiness from someone else.

I have a junior coworker who is flailing but likes to blame me with criticisms. I don’t let him. The advice above gives me some more ways to cope or understand.

Big blue

Hi Tony,

I agree with the advice above. A manipulator has a tattered play book that works with your weaknesses. Mine can be acting as a rescue fixer. In this and another case, yes – I had the thought or feeling that I was being manipulated. I removed myself from the situation, but could has done it sooner. Self awareness has helped me to turn up that radar.

To help with your radar, there is a good article called “How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationships” on the Psychology Today blog.

To help with your weakness that they sense and exploit, be aware of your tendencies, plus do the heavy lifting to love yourself, be kind to yourself, build your self esteem – get your mojo going strong, but not in an arrogant way.

What do you think?

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.