Hi Ashlie,

I’ve been down on myself before. Some things that pulled me up and forward that you might try. As Moon says live:

– eating really well getting into a different relationship with food
– getting a good nights sleep
– exercising starting with things that are easy and working up from there
– losing 5-10-15+’pounds initially gives you a new feel – keep going
– getting to the fitness and weight that would serve you (in your case you want to be a mom)
– scanning articles and books on self help – they will give you some tips and show you are not alone
– watching videos like Ted talks that inspire and educate you
– accomplishing something
– being kind to yourself
– spending time with family and friends
– pursuing your interests
– saying hi to people (there’s your elevator solution)
– meeting people including guys in person
– getting out in the community maybe a fundraiser
– avoiding most or all of TV
– being with people who have a strong positive influence of you

You get the idea. Does this make sense? Which ones are you doing or could you start doing?

Would this help you to prepare for the right guy and motherhood?

Big blue

Hi Audifanatic518,

Being disillusioned is not unusual at your age. I went through it. When I got my Bachelor’s degree I decided I didn’t like my field – like you – based on some practical exposure to it. I was able to use some of my education to move in a different direction.

You’ve stated a lot of your dislikes and that’s good to call them out.

What do you like? What directions can you go in? What career lifestyle do you envision? With your capabilities even the sky is not a limit.

Big blue

Hi Love,

What excites you? What can you do to use your talents? In your job search, have you tried working with staffing companies? They can coach you and they have relationships at companies. Also find other ways to network. Take some time to meet a couple recruiters. Take the advice from the people you meet like homework. Do the homework and then get back in touch with them and say what progress you made, your thoughts and ask more questions. My first professional job took 12 contacts with the hiring manager. He said read books I read books. He said join a professional society I joined a professional society. He hired me under a direct contract and gave me a lot of feedback on my initial work. I took the feedback (a lot of red pen ink) and did better. Go ahead and try something.

For anxiety, are you having some success with anything? Maybe CBT? Are there ways you can ease into social situations You are not alone as many people struggle and have anxiety and fear. It is ok to try and fail. You learn from it. One of the things you learn is how to cope with uncomfortable experiences. Not to put pressure on you to become famous, but to make my point, google “famous people who struggled”. Also google about “grit”.

Are you doing things that are fun? Music? Bird watching? Cooking? Volunteering? Spiritual? Travel? Sports? Hobbies? Skills? Ask people what they do outside of work. Listen twice as much as you talk. Ask more questions. Conversations lead to human interest and connection which builds relationships which lead to a fulfilling life with a good job and the rest.

Does this make sense to you? These are small but real steps you can take that leverage skills you learned in school, add new approaches and bring you forward.

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.

…Kelly and Moon are 100% right, but you’re enmeshed with him, so my advice is to talk with your therapist about how to detach and focus on yourself.

Hi Buddhist Wife-

This is a great question and I enjoyed reading what everyone contributed.

Getting daily exercise and staying on a nutritional plan are healthy habits that really serve me well. I feel great in the moment and I’m looking, feeling, thinking and behaving better. I go to the gym every day, I eat good food eight times a day and first thing in the morning I take vitamins.

Years ago I got into really good dental care. I carry floss picks with me. I brush 3+ times a day. I use Tom’s of Maine toothpaste and mouthwash. I missed the dentist for years and on a recent checkup it was just a minor cleaning. My teeth and smile are in great shape.

I’m working on forming some new healthy habits.

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.

Hi Alex,

Can I share some thoughts? I’m no expert but I have had some bad experiences and some good ones. Yes communication can be a challenge and sometimes people take it the wrong way and just react. I’ve had that. And, I know that sometimes I judge people because I have high standards or a different view or I may not like the person that much.

Words are 10% of communication so tone and body language can be a big influence. If you’re talking by text or internet be extra careful. Also a soft intro can set up the topic. Asking a question can help get engagement, such as,”I have a dress like that – do you want to know what I got for shoes?” vs. “You’re not wearing Those are you.” Another intro would be expressing understanding: “You must be so frazzled about your interview being tomorrow and you don’t have shoes – with those not working out.” Or “Can I say what I’m thinking? Can I be direct with you.” This sends the message that you are about to help.

If things don’t go well… “Wait – I’m sorry. Can we back up and try that again?” Would this sound more inclusive than “*I’m* sorry that *you* feel that way.”?

Does any of this make sense? I think I’m rambling now…. 🙂

Me – I’m trying to use more emotional intelligence (Goleman’s book helped I think) – the self-awareness part. Seeing how I feel and act and how the other person feels and acts. I’m also trying to chill out because I get up tight about stuff, more than I should. All of this hurts relationships. Yup I’ve done it in the past couple months – so don’t take me as an expert lol.You might reflect on why you are bumping into people, with a comment, then getting a reaction and then thinking why and it’s mostly on them. I know for me I get into trouble when I get my nose into other people’s business – justifying it in my mind because “I’m right” and “they need to change something.”

I hope this gives you at least a little bit to think about. If I missed your point and missed the mark please forgive me. And if you have any suggestions for me, I am all ears!

Oh I would be remiss if I left out “acceptance.” I’m learning – yes old dog new tricks who knew? – that by accepting myself fully, I can accept others fully for who they are. Just simple acceptance. Doesn’t mean I agree. Even if I think I’m right, my standards are different or I’m not really friends with the other person.

What are your thoughts?

Big blue

Hi Tinyzebra,

Ah yes old emotional pain. It is misery. Although I’m an older guy and therefore we’re quite different, I have had some heavy emotional pain myself, so I know something about what you are going through. I’ve struggled with how to manage it and I think I’m making headway.

Inkrid’s idea of 20 dates sounds interesting for me a little down the road – I am not there yet. I’ll know when I get there. If I were forced I would no doubt survive, and might thrive. And the idea is that if you have say three great relationship options, you won’t crash if one walks away. I have not done this so I’m not qualified to talk about it. But if it’s like having three job offers vs. one and losing the one, I can see where I’d be less likely to have an “attachment” problem.
As rational as that sounds based on what you wrote, that’s down the road for you too. In the meantime, I’m focusing on myself including being out in the community. While doing this, my confidence is rising noticeably. What do you think is happening? I feel much better about myself. And women are attracted to me. I am not approaching women they are approaching me. I’m still not dating. So what, you ask? Yes exactly so what’s next? What if as I’m feeling better about myself and am less about me and more about others, what if I were to meet someone while volunteering? Or at the gym? Or at Spanish meetup group? I’m thinking it’s easy to do emotionally and it’s something I want to do, where I might meet someone to date. At this point Inkrid and I are saying the same thing, I just offered my ‘how to’ that may or may not fit you. Just another perspective.
Now, again, I am in a different situation with different life goals at this point, but would you agree that we are both equally worthy of loving ourselves and being in a loving relationship with a fitting partner? If you agree with me on that, I think you are on the right path … which ever and when ever you choose it. I think that’s a perspective that we can all live with.
What do you think?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Big blue.

Thank you Jasmine! I appreciate your nice words of support!

(Taking a compliment …hmm … Did I forget that important point…? Thank you Jasmine!)
😉