Hi Kaelyn,

It’s tragic when a person is caught with this terrible thing.

My dad. My dad was untreated, kept it somewhat together and stuck it out the great generation way. It was no picnic for our family. He died of other causes at an old age.

You have to take care of yourself, and as an adult you have choices.

Unless you are codependent. Are you, and if so are you getting help yourself? If not you’ll stick with him even if you are harmed, or you’ll find someone else like him if you do leave.

I just re-read my response and it is rightly sobering and I mean that very seriously.

Big blue

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.

Hi Tinyzebra,

I’ve had similar experiences and found it very difficult. It takes a while to work through this. There is the actual other person, and to some degree there is the attachment part. You can do your best you can do it all but the other person has to care and commit, and sometimes that does not happen no matter how much we want it or need it or work at it. Letting go of the person and the idea of the relationship are hard to do, but it is possible.

It helps to focus on yourself, your values, your interests, your life. Reframe the situation in the context of your life in the big world. Think big, forward thoughts. Read inspiring authors. Get out and be with strong, positive people. Take on some new challenges. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. In other words live your life.

Big blue

Hi Alice,

I think I can share something relevant to help. But, first, I agree that Ruminant gets stars for providing the information about codependency. *****

Ok (knuckle crack):

– My parents had major issues and I was a fixer of problems. Empathy. Hope.
– After they passed away, I went through my mid-life crisis. Opposite of peace.
– In hindsight, I ended up finding surrogates for them – people with similar major issues. Yeah, eek. Hope. Empathy.
– In each case, it took me months or years to realize what was happening. I ended the personal or professional relationships. Aha moments.
– Now I know my tendency. Some peace.
– I’m not in any personal or professional relationships like those. Although I recently had a close call. More peace.
– I’m focusing on my personal growth. Peace. Empathy. Hope.

Does this help?

Big blue

Hi Moongal,

Sometimes there is s big challenge. So, I start on small, simple aspects to get momentum going. This can be a To Do list also.

Years ago I had perfectionism issues so I would put things off.

Or, something that is uncomfortable, like writing a term paper when you’re not into it.

I’ve learned to push ahead despite some anxiety – things usually work out ok.

Big blue