Thank you for your reply!

I agree that the fantasy and thoughts are probably different. I had a fantasy of being with him before I really got to know him and When I did get to know him, I rationalized all the bad qualities and let myself open up very deeply to him while he has barely said anything about his home life except for maybe once saying he wasn’t happy.

I really wanted him to be happy because we had gotten somewhat close but there are a lot of things that would make it wrong for me. But now that he is not confessing feelings for me any longer I feel worthless which I know is not true. He’s without a doubt the most attractive guy who has ever shown interest in me and acts perfect to everybody although he has this side to his life. Without our convos I just feel like I must have done something and that I’m not good enough. I would even be fine knowing it was just a friendship and not long for him but he is not allowed to call or text me from his cell phone, can’t email, and I’m not sure how I would ever see him again.

A lot of it is that I dont understand that dynamic in his marriage and I want him to choose my friendship in real life over that rule imposed on him, but he is currently choosing that life.