Hi Cass,

The first thing I would like to say is that you are NOT alone. So many people are going through what you are going through – even I went through this not too long ago.

I read your post and had to respond, as it sounds so very similar to what I went through. The only difference is that I went through it for seven years – from the young age of 13, all the way up until 20. He was my absolute best friend and I loved him. I made sure he knew how much I loved him every single day. I loved him, but I was hurting. Every day, I was hurting. For seven years, I wanted nothing but to be with him, but all I got was excuse after excuse. I too got the “he didn’t think that he was a good person to be in a relationship with” excuse. But I did not care, I still wanted to be with him. When I finally gained the courage to ask if there was a potential of us ever being together, his response was, “Wow.” Yeah, how do you think that one made me feel? I can completely relate to you. It was a complete slap in the face. When you give someone absolutely everything and it is not reciprocated – that is one of the most horrible feelings I have ever experienced. I stuck around thinking things would change; that he would wake up one morning and want to be with me. Seven years later and still hurting, this never happened. He never changed because he had no reason to. He still had me at arms reach whenever it was convenient to him.

I will begin my advice here: Pull away and give him a reason to change. If you stick around, that is you saying to him, “I am okay with your behaviour.” However, you are not okay with the situation, so you need to back off. When he no longer has you in his life, he will see what he has lost. This may make him change his mind, it might not. Regardless, you do not deserve such treatment. He either gets 100% of you, or nothing at all. You are absolutely worth it.

My second piece of advice is to always remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Yes, he may say he loves you, and yes, he may say a lot of nice things to you that just make you melt, and I am sure he is a wonderful friend to you. My guy, too, was my best friend. He could read me like book and knew everything about me; all of my likes, my dislikes, my values, what I was passionate about etc. But sometimes these things just do not work. It sucks that you have to lose a friend in this process, but it is the only way to protect your heart. You can not be friends with someone you have feelings for when they don’t feel the same way about you. It is so unhealthy. Anyways, back to my point: What are his actions saying to you? Yes, he says all these nice things, but what do his actions show? His actions, plain and simple, ultimately demonstrate that he does not want a relationship and you can not force him to want otherwise. You need to learn to be okay on your own; to not depend on him. He does not create your happiness, you do. Again, I know this is A LOT easier said than done. I was once in your position and every day was a struggle. “How can I continue my life without him?” I would think to myself. But trust me, life goes on and you absolutely deserve someone who will love you and care for you and actually want to be with you. As Leina said, had he truly wanted to be with you, he would have done so already. I know that is a harsh reality, and it hurts, but you need to start accepting it and move forward! You have a beautiful life to live!

Like Leina said, it is OKAY to be sad! This is only normal. I would be worried if you WEREN’T sad. This is how we heal. When the wound is fresh, it hurts like a bitch. When I finally came to my senses and realized our relationship was not healthy for me, I ended it. Every morning I would wake up and would not even want to get out of bed. I felt nauseous all day – could not even eat. I would cry and cry every single day, saying to myself, “I gave him everything. Why doesn’t he want to be with me? Why am I not good enough? What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” Are you thinking these things too? My dear, Cass, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You need to start making yourself your number one priority. Only you can protect your heart, no one else. By maintaining this relationship, you are slowly killing yourself. It is toxic! It has been four years and he has made no effort to change or want to be with you. That is your answer right there. You need to let go and I know it is hard. But as time passes, it becomes much easier. It’s almost like a grieving process. You need time to grieve because they are no longer in your life.

After all of this, I am okay now. Once you finally learn to accept that you are simply not compatible with this person, things become much easier.

I am not sure if you are of faith at all, but regardless of whether you are or not, always remember this:

“Above all else, guard your heart. For everything you do flows from it.” -Proverbs 4:23

I know you’re going to be okay <3