Hi Anita,

That would be the healthy way to handle his anger.  I have told him in the past that when he is angry, he can take a break from our communication and go take a walk, work in the garage, whatever.  As I have said previously, we only saw each other on weekends so he was very free to type his anger away in a text message during our away time.  I believed in talking about issues, other than this guy, when we are physically together, to see each others faces and body language. This I told him.

When we were together physically, things were actually better.  Maybe it’s because I was physically in front of him and he knew how much I love him just by my actions.  When we were apart was when his mind wandered.  He did see a therapist the end of last year for only 3 sessions, and I sat in on the last session with him.  The therapist told him that he felt my boyfriend and I should be spending more time together; he said just look at the way you are with each other. (We were hold hands; sitting close).  But this therapist also told my boyfriend that this is not Katie’s problem, this is your problem.  My boyfriend didn’t like that; he felt it was a relationship problem.

After the appointment I explained to my boyfriend that this is his problem, but it’s affecting our relationship.  Needless to say, he didn’t go back to that therapist, and honestly they were not a good fit.  I could see that as well.  But, his was spot on with the “this is not Katie’s problem”.

Thanks Anita.  You’re very helpful.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I must say that when he talks about this high school guy, he sounds very immature, like he is back in high school.  He would say things like, “You must have made a nice couple, both of you with long blond hair.” (Of course these things were said with a nasty tone, not a matter of fact tone.)  His brain does go back to being a teenager.  But, of course, these things were insensitive, knowing, but perhaps not believing, that my encounter with the guy was a trauma.

My sister is very quick to say to me “Do you want a relationship with a man or a boy? Because he’s acting like a child.”

I of course try to be more understanding of his OCD and issues.  There is something called “retroactive jealously OCD” which is him to a T.  And, it’s amazing how many men/women suffer from it.

Again, thank you,

Katie

Hi Anita,

The abuse definitely was not as bad as it was during my marriage.  During my marriage there was verbal, emotional, physical, financial…you name it.  All except sexual….because that was not going to happen!  He was not passive aggressive…simply aggressive.   I lived in constant fear.  Fear that he would kill me or harm one of my children just to hurt me.  It’s a long story, but I waited until my daughter was 12 before I filed for divorce, so that she would not have to spend weekends alone with him.  My son was already in college (there’s a 9 year gap between them).  My daughter slept in my bedroom with me and the door was always locked.  We lived in my bedroom, which thankfully had its own bathroom.  I was a stay at home mom before starting to work 9 years ago.  I had everything planned out and always had a safety plan in place.  But, before the divorce was final, he died.  That was in 2012.

The passive aggressive behavior from my boyfriend, as you know, is abusive.  And of course the verbal abuse really shocked me, so much that the first encounter left me literally speechless.  I just started at him in disbelief.  It’s was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me.  I thought “where’s (name)? Who is this?”  It was like he flicked a switch.

He knows the behavior was/is inappropriate, which is where the therapy is suppose to come into play.  But, from my experienced past, I know “I’m sorry” can be said only so many times.

I long for the man I knew a few years ago.  But if he is no longer there, I don’t want the one the lives inside him now.  I hope that man from a few years ago returns.

Thank you for always responding.  It does help a great deal.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I believe it could be the perceived danger of being alone.  No one to bounce things off of; no one to hold me when I need a hug because other parts of my life feel messy (like dealing with my daughter’s PTSD).

But, as I have said in my long ago past about my ex alcoholic abusive spouse, I would rather be alone than be abused.

I guess I never thought I’d be back where I came from.  Which is so unbelievable to me, that I am hoping for his change to what he was before this past year.  But I’m also not forgetting what this past year was.

Katie

Hi Anita,

That cry…the reality.  Yes, that sounds like a good observation.

There are so many things going on in my life right now, and although I at times needed to lean on him, I could never lean that hard.  Because of his own issues (OCD; anxiety), his strength was limited.  He leaned on me way more than I on him.  I was there for him at the drop of a hat.  That’s just who I am.

Maybe he’ll learn some things about himself in therapy, things he won’t like to hear.  Maybe it’ll make him a better person.

I want you to know that I keep these words with me wherever I go, words you said to me in one of your previous posts, “it’s not right for him to torment you with what torments him. He should endure his suffering without inflicting it on you. Love means just that, to not inflict suffering on the one you allegedly love. My concern is that he is angry at you, as if you are the cause of his suffering, while you are not at all the cause of any of his suffering.”  Because I do need to remember this.  I have always said to him, “I would never do/say anything to intentionally hurt you because I love you.”  It’s a shame he couldn’t do the same for me.

At the same time, I’m still hopeful that his therapy is helping.

Thank you,

Katie

Hi Anita,

I know he needs time to go through his therapy.  I many times feel the urge to reach out to him, but do not.  Our contact is usually him reaching out to me through texting.  I feel my moods are all over the place.  I’m anxious, sad, hopeful, and sometimes feel like I can’t catch my breath.

Today at work is my cry day.  I’m in the office alone on Mondays, so that makes it ok to let my emotions flow. Plus, wearing a mask due to COVID hides much of the anguish on my face.   I try to think of my cry days as a release of emotion, but I don’t like my cry days.  I usually visit the meditation room (I work in a hospital) and sit quietly in search of guidance.   The upcoming holidays aren’t helping either.

I just needed to vent.  I don’t like feeling this way.  I have a daughter at home who is 22 but has PTSD thanks to her father and his alcoholic, abusiveness towards us all.  I feel like I need to put on my “I am a rock” mask at home to help her.  She’s in therapy, but still has quite a way to go with her healing….still nightmares, triggers.

Even with therapy, I feel like I’m just down in the dumps.  These are the days that I want to lay on the couch under a blanket with my cat.

Thanks for the ear,

Katie

Hi Anita,

I guess in his mind he lives in the past more than the present.  He even talked about people from high school and things that happened in high school.  He’d say, “Do you remember when so and so did….”   I couldn’t remember the person or the incident.  I’ve moved past that time in my life; he has not.  It was so long ago and so much life has happened since.

I know when taking a break from a relationship, since we’re not communicating daily as we once did, and not seeing each other, I tend to forget the “bad” incidences and words, and focus on what I miss.  I guess that’s normal.  As I write this I’m having my coffee on the sofa and in the past he would be next to me.  So I have to shift my thought on the moment, what’s happening right now.  My cat is playing and then jumps on the sofa next to me wanting attention.  I focus on his purr and need for my attention.

I journal daily; it’s something I’ve always done.  But I can say that I never would ever have imagined that my life would be where is it is right now.  I felt that he and I were blessed to have found each other after such a long time.  Now I don’t know why we found each other.  I guess there’s a lesson in there somewhere.

I still hope his therapy is helping.  I can’t imagine being in his mind.  It must be torture.

Thank you for listening. This truly is helpful.

Katie