Hi Anita,

I understand that this is his therapy and not couples therapy.  When I mentioned to him that we should take a break and he should go to therapy, I thought it best he deal with his issues, as I felt they had nothing to do with me.  This guy from high school he had a friendship with which went bad, and made him hate this guy.  He refers to this guy as a “scumbag” which is why I find it hard for him to accept that the guy was the cause of my trauma.  Also, the therapist he saw at the end of last year did tell him this was his issue and had nothing to do with me.

My therapist had suggested that my boyfriend have his own therapy, because he needed to realize that the issues he was having went far beyond my high school experience.  That there was something that occurred well before he was 13 (when he first saw me).  Something hidden deep that needed to be brought to the surface.  I just happen to be the one that he’s projecting his issues onto.

If the time comes when we are both feeling that the relationship should begin again, I would want to have couples therapy.  I can’t blindly go back into something without having therapy to make certain we understand what our boundaries are and needs are.  I feel safer doing this therapeutically.  I would have no issue seeing his therapist as a couple, since she also does couples therapy.

I am hopeful but remain cautious.  He did text me this morning.  He said in hospitals when a COVID patient is discharged the song “Here Comes the Sun” is played (which I knew since I work in a hospital).  He said when the song played on tv, the sun shone through his window onto his face. He said “it felt like a sign.”  I didn’t ask “a sign of what” but perhaps he’s feeling better about life.  Who knows if that’s with or without me.  But, again, no mention of the past.

Thank you for your support~

Katie

Hi Anita,

I was kind of waiting for his therapist to suggest the meeting.  She was the one who said that he should not meet with me for awhile due to his anger.  I would like him to work out any issues therapeutically.  But I will definitely think about the meeting. I would like it in a therapeutic setting though.

He is actually texting me right now. Showing me pictures of his house; he painted the outside.  Telling me his cat threw up from the new food he bought him.  I think he is missing our communication.  I know I do miss the communication with him.  But I do wait for him to text.  I’m more taking the approach that he needs tools in his toolbox that he can pull out and use to keep his OCD under control.   I’m not sure if he’s at that point yet and would rather hold off a bit.  Even though I miss him, I don’t want to have him not using a mouth filter; thinking before he speaks.  That’s why I was waiting for his therapist to make the meeting suggestion.  Thinking she would know when he’s ready.  And I’m not quite ready, if he’s still working through all the OCD issues, to hear his unkind words.  I’m not sure where he is in his therapy, but can see that, at least for now, he doesn’t talk about the past.

As you can tell, I’m being protective of myself.  I’m not sure that I’m ready to meet with him.

Katie

Hi Anita

It will not be okay for him to ask about my past.  It will not be okay for him to call me names.  No questions about high school guys, no questions about past relationships, unless they’re about my family (no romance).  No boyfriend related questions, and certainly not about my trauma.  No abusiveness.

I’ve never called him names, and I expect the same.  I do not believe in unconditional love unless it’s for your child.  I believe there are conditions to my love…respect, kindness, empathy, compassion.

I can recall in the past he would ask me, “Will you love me no matter what?”  My response would be, “No, not no matter what.  There are expectations that I have of you, and you should have of me.  There are deal breakers.”

If we did get back together, if he starts tormenting me again and getting angry with me because of the past, I know that then the relationship would end.

Katie

Hi Anita,

He texted me last night.  He told me he thinks about me all day.  We chatted back and forth. He didn’t mention anything about the past.  He mentioned things he thinks about, loving things we did for each other…creaming each others hands, me putting lip balm on his lips.  It was a welcome change from the badgering I would get in the past.  It’s nice to hear him thinking about me and him, and not me and the other guy.

Perhaps this is because he misses me.  Perhaps it’s because his therapy is getting him to a new way of thinking.  Whatever the reason, I felt like I was chatting with the person I knew a year ago.   I know the therapy isn’t a quick fix and it will take some time.

I’m still cautious and, as always hopeful.  I know he has to continue on with his therapy.  I don’t expect perfection, just respect and kindness, as I have always given him.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you. I will never understand.  I will continue with my therapy; he with his.  Who knows where it will lead us.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the clarification.

I’ve always not only told him but shown him how much I love him.  That how I felt for him I have never felt for another.  I always left a love note on his pillow when I left his house on Sundays, wrote poems for him, jars of notes of love…

It’s amazing how the mind can work.  After everything I’ve said to him and all the gifts from my heart…this.

Thank you for your insight.  It does make me understand him a bit better.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your support.  He did not spend last Thanksgiving with me and my family because of his OCD mental movies…he was angry at me and did not want to spend the time with me.  But, that evening wanted to see me because he said he felt like he was trying to tell himself he didn’t want to see me but knew deep down inside that he did.  Obviously,  I will not be spending this Thanksgiving with him, but will with my family.

When our celebrated holiday of Christmas came around, he was head over heals in love with me again.  He spent Christmas with me and my family, and couldn’t tell me enough how much he loved me.  He described it as “opening a door and walking into a room that he didn’t know existed.”  He was attentive and loving.

This has happened a few times in our relationship.  Where he would find out about someone I dated, get angry that I was with someone else at one time, but then realize how much he didn’t want to lose me and how much he loves me.  I would always say our love is like 9/11.  It would take a disaster (me with another man in the past) for him to realize how much he loved me.

I’m not sure how this one will play out, but maybe the therapy will be helpful.  But it really is like he can’t stand the thought of me being with anyone else besides him (except my ex).

Katie