Hi Anita,

As you know, I am always hopeful.  I feel he and I both know there was a time when everything was very easy and right.  Our lives were very intertwined.  He was my best friend.  The challenges of this past year have harmed me in ways that will take some time to undo.  Trust being one of them.  I protected my heart after my abusive ex, and when you let someone in, and they end up harming you again, you feel you cannot trust anyone…not with your heart.

He says “we waited until our lives were at the end of our existence in this world.  Our youth long gone.”  Which I can only interpret as we came together later in life to be together until the end.  Our youth (past) is long gone.”  My thought was….I’ve been saying this for a year!

I’ll be honest in saying it feels good that he thinks of me, and, as my psychologist would say, of course he is.  But, I need to know what’s going on in therapy.  That question will be asked this weekend when he contacts me.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Yes, what you describe is my daughter, and I have heard of complex PTSD.

I read a book entitled, “No Comfort Zone; Notes on Living with PTSD” written by Marla Handy, who has C-PTSD.  And yes, as you describe, this is different from PTSD that is associated with war veterans.  The difference described in the book is that the war veteran had a normal life, was thrown into an abnormal life (war), and now has to get back to the normal life they had before war.  The C-PTSD individual has no “normal” to go back to.  Trauma from a young age. Now they have to break the connections their brains made and reform those connections.  Hence, therapy.

My daughter is trying her best to move forward.  She is no longer cutting.  She has issues going on job interviews because her old coping skills of recognizing threats takes over.  She battles this.  At this point I’m thinking about having her go on disability (SSI) to have some kind of income, because I’m it.

I’m hopeful that she will have a fulfilling life.  She’s a kind soul and deserves a good life.

Katie

Hi Anita,

This morning I made a point of putting my holiday wreath on my door before leaving for work.  I need to not have what’s going on in my life put my house in gloom during the holidays.  Will they be different this year?  For sure.  I thought of putting up a real tree, but now I’m not so sure.  I bought that artificial tree before bf and it’s my tree.  He helped me, while he was with me, put up the lights and the star on top.  My daughter helped me decorate, and when my son came home for the holiday, there was always one ornament for him to put on the tree.  I’ve always bought a new ornament for both my kids to put on the tree each year.  It’s tradition.

I still have one good cry a day, but I’m taking it one day at a time.  I’m trying to focus on my daughter, not so much on bf.  I need to get her to a good place, and this will in turn help me get to a good place, hopefully.

I hope you enjoyed your walk.  Cloudy here in the Northeast and quite cold.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I’m starting to wonder how qualified this therapist is.  For him to tell that story and then have him practice forgiveness is crazy.  Even acceptance would be a bit off.

My therapist, who is a psychologist, would probably ask him very professionally why he feels he has anything to do with or should be concerned about any part of my life, especially when I was a teenager and we had no relationship at all.  I think my therapist would be a bit aggressive with this, not nasty aggressive, but want to know where he feels he has a right to judge my past as a young woman.  Who should judge his past?  He’d hold his feet to the fire so to say.

But, I think my daughter wants answers.  Her father died and left so many unanswered questions for her, and I think she will want to pursue this with bf.  And she has every right to.

Katie

Hi Anita,

I was thinking about that…..lasts.  You never know when something may be your last.  I recall the last time I told my father I loved him. He was in the hospital (back and forth from rehab for a few months), and we talked and I told him I loved him, which I had not said since I was a child.  I didn’t realize that was my last. My dad shortly after was unconscious and sent home on Hospice care.  He died 2 days later.

I try very hard to always let those in my circle know how I feel about them.  I guess in a way, knowing there could be a last.  Perhaps I also become too vulnerable.

My daughter was quite upset last night.  I think she felt her “last” with bf as well.  The difference is she misses him but is also angry; she feels she trusted him and now lost that trust.  I completely understand.  I asked her if she discusses this with her therapist and she said not really.  I told her to discuss it.  I’m thinking that bf owes her more than just an apology.  I’ll wait to see what her therapist says.  But in bf’s mind, I’m sure he’s thinking “I’m sorry” is enough.  (My daughter heard her father say I’m sorry way too many times.  She told him to stop saying I’m sorry and start changing what you say and do.) She had to grow up way to fast.

Bf communicated with me this weekend.  No mention of the past; told me he misses me.  I feel like there are so many other things going on in my life that it’s making it harder to deal with my emotions related to bf.  My daughter and her issues, my son leaving next Oct for Japan for 3 years (this was our last Thanksgiving together for 3 years), my mom aging and my reluctance to visit her, knowing bf’s in the same town.  I’m once again feeling this heavy weight.

This weekend I will put up my Christmas tree.  I’ve been dragging my feet a bit on this because bf and I always did this together.  But, my mom reminded me that that has been for the past 5 years.  I’ve had Christmases before him and will have Christmases after him.  My mom is my inspiration.  She so misses my dad but has the ability to keep going.

Katie

Hi Anita,

The walk was refreshing. I try to focus on my surroundings and not so much of what’s in my head.

Of course the usual memories come forward…..2 people riding bikes together; we rode together.  A couple working together as a team on fixing their car side view mirror; we worked very well as a team, fixed many things together.  A woman fishing; we loved to go fishing.  His ex actually never let him go fishing, something he loved.  One spring I said, let’s get our fishing licenses, we’re fishing this year.  It was something we loved to do together, even if we didn’t catch a thing.

Such a shame, such good memories.  These memories at this point don’t make me smile; they make me well up with tears.

I came home, pet the cat, and tried to busy myself with paperwork.  This is just so crappy.  I hate feeling this way.

Katie

Hi Anita,

When he and I were together, we would go to my mom’s to visit her (they live in the same town).  She absolutely loved him.  She loved talking with him, she loved to see how connected he and I were, and she felt that I finally found the happiness that I so deserved after such a horrific marriage.  I really think he is wondering what her opinion is of him now.  I believe he still wants to feel accepted by her.   But, that acceptance comes with a stipulation…me.  My mother is concerned of how I am doing, not him.  She wants happiness for me; she’s indifferent about what happens to him in his life.  She has told me many times that he blew it.  He had someone who loved him very much, someone he could have had a happy life with, but let childish issues get in the way of that.

My dad passed away in 2009 at the age of 72 (my mom was 68 at the time).  My mom is going to be 82 in January.  She talks about how life is short.  She didn’t plan on having my dad taken away so soon; they didn’t have enough years together in retirement.  Most of her retirement has been without him.  She values life and relationships.  And the fact that bf doesn’t value those things she feels makes him a fool.  I miss my dad.  He probably would have told bf to his face that he should man up and stop being a child.  My dad did not show much affection, but he had a protective way about him and was quite a force to reckon with.

Katie

Hi Anita,

Tonight on our way to Dunkin Donuts, my daughter said I seem quiet and am I thinking of “bf”.  I said  was but trying not to focus on it too much.  She reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for, and reminded me of our Thanksgiving from 2011.  My son, who at that time was her age, 22, had a head injury, concussion, and areas of bleeding requiring 2 brain surgeries.  His traumatic brain injury left him without any disability; however, he was in and out of the hospital for about a month.  This was during the time when I was going through a divorce with my abusive alcoholic ex. That was the worst Thanksgiving ever.  I waited in the ICU waiting room for my son to come out of surgery.  He could have died.

My daughter has had her own struggles in the past with suicidal thoughts.  She’s come a long way but still has a long way to go.

Amazing how my daughter today I guess recognized my struggle, and found something to try to have me put things into perspective.  I always thought the 3 of us (her, my son, me) were a powerful force.  I will be with them tomorrow and be thankful that they are both with me.  We’ve gone through hell together and somehow always make it out.   I have to always remember this….we are stronger than we realize.

I wish you a pleasant Thanksgiving.

Katie