Hi Anita,

Your thoughts on my situation are always welcome.

I did look up limerence and viewed a video from a psychologist on what exactly a limerence relationship is.  It indicated that the person in limerence feels they are responsible for what is happening in the relationship, that they are jealous, and there is a fear of not being together.  There is a “halo effect” meaning “I see no flaws about my partner”.  That a person also changes themselves to make the other person happy, and thinks of their partner about 85% of their day.  Objects given by the partner are cherished.  It’s usually a relationship that lasts about 3 months to 3 years.

I don’t have any of these qualities associated with my relationship regarding him.  I feel he is flawed, he is responsible for what has happened in the relationship, and I don’t fear not being with him.  I have told him I can live without him.  I have thrown away everything he has ever given me, cards have been thrown out, photos shredded.  I have nothing of his in my house; no cherished items.

I am adhering to what my psychologist told me….keep your eyes wide open and your feet on the ground.  I’m not holding onto hope; I’m watching and observing.  If things work out, they work out.  If they don’t, they don’t.  I’m not a starry eyed teenager.

I know in the end I’ll be ok.  I have my family, friends, and much love and support.  Thank you for yours!

Katie

Hi Anita,

I actually have been quite angry lately, which I know is part of the healing process.  I have blocked him from my phone and he began emailing me.  I don’t check my email that often, but on Valentine’s Day I had about 8 emails from him professing his love for me, saying he can’t live without me, how sorry he is…etc.  I didn’t see these until Monday.  He apologized for walking out of therapy; said he was angry at what the therapist said, not what I said.  Which I have no idea what he’s talking about.  As far I as recall, my psych simply asked what he thought about what I said.

Anyway, I feel lighter these days.  I feel no need to respond.  I have my own therapy next week….I’m still working on me.  But I do feel strong and have been working on boundaries, which is what gave me the strength to “stand up” in the last therapy session.

Thank you for think about me Anita!

Katie

Hi Anita,

Thank you for thinking enough to go back and research what I’ve posted.  I have no idea if ex-bf was molested; I do know he was abused.  Something happened to him that he won’t share, and I didn’t ever pry.  It would have been nice if he had done the same for me.

When we went into this last therapy session I decided I would go back to the basics and not his OCD stuff.  As I mentioned, our discussions and fallout of the discussion was always the same.  In my mind I thought this is a deal breaker for me so it this is not going to change, there’s no reason to go on any further.

What you pieced together could be absolutely true.  I hope for his sake he finds a really good therapist that will dig a bit deep and not just hold his hand and rub his back, so to say.

I do feel lighter, as if a weight has lifted off of me.  I no longer am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I did send him his key in the mail, and told him not to bother to return mine, that it no longer fits in the lock. (I had them changed, as my son had some concerns since ex-bf has just shown up at my house before.  He wasn’t sure what reaction he would have to me returning the key.)  I also told him I am awaiting word on our cemetery plot to see if the double can be split into 2 singles, then we can each do what we please with our separate plot.  A few years back I went to get a plot, he tagged along, and wanted one too.  Big mistake getting the double.  He always wanted to put the gravestone there marking the grave site, but I refused.

I guess now he was my lesson.  And what a lesson!  Thank you Anita~

Katie

Happy New Year Anita!

Bf and I went to therapy together seeing my therapist.  My therapist made bf feel quite comfortable about seeing us together, as he has seen me for decades alone.  Bf liked him and felt comfortable.

My therapist asked bf many questions. I didn’t do too much talking because I knew that my therapist was trying to get a feel for what was going on with bf.  He did tell bf he knows that he has this image looping in his mind, and bf agreed.  But my therapist said that no matter how many questions you ask Katie and how many different ways you ask the questions, you’re never going to be satisfied with the answer, because this is your loop, which you need to stop. Katie can’t stop it.

Bf also offered the story of how he stopped over my house one day to talk with my daughter, and I told him not to go up to her bedroom.  Bf said he thought “someone” was upstairs that I didn’t want him to see.  My therapist said, “After 6 years together, it this what you think of Katie?  That as soon as you walk out, someone else walks in?”  Bf said it was because of the way I was dressed.  I said I didn’t want you to go up to daughter’s bedroom because it’s a violation of her privacy and a boundary.  Then I said that I wear what I was wearing all the time.  Bf said, you looked dressed up. I said I was wearing capri jeans and a black shirt.  I wear those with you all the time.  Then he said it wasn’t your usual dress down look. Then I started to say something and my therapist interrupted us and said, “Stop.  This right here what you’re both doing has to stop.  This constant banter of him accusing you of something and you explaining yourself has to stop.  Katie should say that’s not true, and that’s the end of it.  There’s none of this back and forth over an accusation.”  I then realized that I do that all the time.  He accuses me and I explain myself 400 different ways. And, it has to stop.

We did make another appointment to go back in a couple weeks, so we’ll see how that goes.  Although right now I am focusing on my daughter, and that is my main focus.

Katie

Hi Anita,

My daughter seems to have these upsetting missing moments of bf when she’s been drinking.  I’m beginning to believe that she has a problem and is self-medicating. Once she turned 21, she started to drink.  She doesn’t drink daily, but when she does it’s this day long binge and it interferes with her therapy…she misses appointments.  The past couple of times she did this binge, she had so much stomach pain that I told her that I believe she’s having alcohol gastritis.  I recall my ex having this issue.  And last night she had it after a day-long binge.  She drinks slowly over the course of 12 hours, but consumes a lot of alcohol.  She said it seems like the stomach pain is worse from the last time, and I told her “that’s because it is worse, because it’s getting worse.  Your body is telling you something and you’re not listening.”  I simply couldn’t feel sorry for her.  She’ll be sleeping just about all day today, but tomorrow she and I need to have a talk. I cannot live through burying my child, as her father’s mother had to do.

I actually spoke with bf over the weekend, and it was agreed that we would see a therapist together.  I do not feel his therapist is qualified to handle his issues, just from some of the things he told me.  He says he does most of the talking which isn’t good in my eyes.  She needs to interject and when she does, the answer he gives is just left at that.  He was talking about something, and she interrupted and asked him “is what’s bothering you the image you have in your mind of Katie and the other guy?”  He said “yes.” And she let him go on with what he was talking about before she asked that question.  She brushed over the issue, which is a huge issue.  It would have been a good time for her to educate him on trauma and reframing, but she didn’t.

I saw my therapist this past Monday, and he said he would welcome a meeting with me and bf.  He said it would help me make decisions about the relationship.  I said, “You want me to be present when you have the first appointment with him.”  He said, “Absolutely, bring it on.”  He said he would be professional, but wants to really dig into this.  My therapist is a PsyD, and he doesn’t hold back.  He’s not nasty, but to the point.   It will be an interesting visit. Of course part of what needs to be done is making amends with my daughter.  Bf knows this.

I need to either take slow steps forward with bf, or close this chapter.  Limbo isn’t working.  Perhaps the meeting on the 28th will give me insight.  I’m taking this one day at a time.

Katie

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Katie.

Hi Anita,

I agree….completely.

Katie

Hi Anita,

This weekend I put up my tree and my daughter and I decorated it yesterday.  I did put a few things around the house….my snowpeople collection and some things my kids made by hand as youngsters that I can’t part with (noodle wreaths).

Bf did contact me.  He asked me, “What do you think is going to happen to us?”  I said, that depends on your therapy.  I told him I am not sitting with him in therapy, and that I don’t know what’s discussed.  I told him my therapist advised a session together.  Bf asked “with your therapist?”  I said, no, with yours, but mine would be willing to have the session.  The discussion pretty much ended at this point. I’m not sure if he wants to speak with his therapist.

We’ll see what happens.

Katie