Hi Debbie
Thanks for your reply, it really helped when I read it yesterday. The line that struck a chord was ‘let it be from a place of caring’.
I can’t tell whether I am being narcissistic or whether I am genuinely just to be feeling how I do. I got home and sent an email to K saying how it wasn’t fair I had been treated that way by his mother (failing to add it wasn’t fair that he emotionally bullied me to stay there and put up with it for nearly 2 days to support him – obviously my feelings don’t matter). He didn’t read it so I sent him a text saying I had sent him an email and hoping he slept well.
It was planned that K and I were attending a party the next day which meant we had to walk from his parents house. The reason I had agreed to walk was so I could have a couple of drinks, however, there was no way I was planning on staying another night at his parents house so I text to say I would meet him there. He was upset and said it was your idea to walk, I said I had achy hips couldn’t be bothered, He said poor you, I told him the truth I was not going to stay there the night so I may as well drive. I suppose I was craving attention and when his next text implied he’d be busy for the next couple of hours getting ready I felt upset, I said I feel v low today and that I am feeling forced to share you because of your mums attention seeking ways that you haven’t reassured me you are coming home and that we will be ok and that I didn’t want to go to the party as it felt wrong. He text and said ‘I’m not looking forward to facing people either, If you don’t want to go we won’t’, I said ‘ok good, back to sleep for me then’ (it was an early afternoon party). Then he text and says he going, please come with me, I say no I don’t want to (I’m not a big socialiser and it is his friends party). Then I get childish texts from him saying he feels sick, I can’t believe how badly you have let me down, he can’t get there, you are unbelievable, you let me down at the last minute, this I shall never forget, i’m in such a state. I went out to the grocery shop and left me mobile at home as he was upsetting me, it was his idea not to go and why did I have to go.
About 3pm he comes round raging at me, he kicked my shopping (destroyed a pepper and packet of crisp) & my cupboard and smashed a box up and generally was like a mad man, I say I not going as I don’t want to I am too upset, go off have a nice time we are not joined at the hip. He really scared me, it’s not the first time, the scariest time was when we were argueing in the car and I was driving and he grabbed my handbrake and put it on hard and we span around in the middle of a busy road, I thought we were going to die.
After he left I thought why am I being emotionally bullied to do things I don’t want to. I realised I would be just as happy if not happier on my own.
About 8pm he comes round saying he didn’t have a good time as I wasn’t there (he was there 5 hours though!). I said you could of left and it was your choice to go, it was like he was emotionally bullying me again for me to feel it was my fault he didn’t have a nice time. He asked whether I would go the funeral parlour and registrars tomorrow I said no I don’t think so, he left slamming the doors behind him.
So I change my mind and text him and say if it means that much to you I’ll accompany you and that is where I thought I was being caring. So we go the registrars and then the idea they come up with is shall we go back to there house for a cup of tea, I say no we should just get on with it, he says come in the car with us then. I say no, I’ll follow them (it’s only the next village). We walk to his car and his mum says ‘you should just get in the car with me and K’, I say ‘no, I am happy driving’, she says ‘but that isn’t want K wants you to do’ and I say quite firmly ‘I do not have to do everything that K wants me to do’.
After the funeral parlour where K tries to insist I have to go to the subsequent minister meeting we go to the flower shop, on the way I suggest to his mum that she gets a bigger screen for the internet so that she can get shopping online, I don’t think so she says I don’t eat a lot and I won’t need much shopping, I should of learnt already that nothing I suggest is a good idea.
Anyway we get to the flower shop where his mum falls and grazes her knee slightly, you’d of thought she had a broken bone. Kev left us to fetch his car and then it’s ‘I don’t have anything to live for’, ‘I can’t keep expecting K to look after me’, I have no patience with all her ‘poor me’ attitude and change the subject.
Later on, we go back to K’s parents and I leave promptly afterwards. I text K and say when you coming back home (he’s not been home for over 4 weeks), he avoids the question, I text again mentioning the same, he doesn’t answer. So I say jokingly I am thinking of getting a more available man.., no response and this is when I turned narcissistic and said I’m not visiting the chapel of rest with your mum as I don’t want to anymore. He has a go at me for changing my mind, I say I’m entitled to change my mind. I go onto say I won’t be visiting the minster nor travelling in the car behind the hearst.
Possibly K me and his Mum are just as bad as each other except I am the one that is being expected to give more and more when in actuality I’m ready for the relationship to end as I cannot contemplate any sort of future with his Mum or his anger. I can’t come from a place of caring, I care for my own sense of well-being and not feeling like a mug, Just cause K doesn’t want to do the chapel of rest or talk with the minister doesn’t mean I have too. My phone is off and I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow.
Any feedback would be appreciated, even if it is to tell me to stop trying to play them at their own game, on reading through this and as I ended it in March I think it’s well and truly relationship over.

Thanks J; your words are encouraging and I hope when I am feeling stronger I can try meditation, there a midday session available at work on a Tuesday lunchtime, thanks for bringing this idea into focus.

Thanks for this reply. Your final sentence struck a chord, I think to certain extents we all make do/accept the life we have happened across &/or planned for. I know I’ve acted out happiness just to fit it and I imagine others sometimes do the same. I have lost my life force and don’t know what makes me happy, except being left alone but I know this is the depression.
I do generally have a negative internal chatter/voice which I’ve been fighting to control or ignore since I was a kid. This bout of depression started in early February, perhaps I intuitively knew that bad times were coming (i.e. my boyfriends dads illness), I’d get in rages over nothing, I was angry and unmotivated at work, I ended the relationship with my boyfriend, I tried to switch off every ‘love’ input or output as love (from my childhood & adult experience) just causes pain. I’d cry and cry and go driving about trying to find some hope, some happiness, something to divert my attention from the irrational somewhat boring repetition of the same old internalised ‘no point’ mantras.
I hoped the anti-d’s would be making me feel better by now but no such joy as yet, I tried doing an exercise video on Saturday (I used to dance a lot and enjoyed it) and I gave up after 10 minutes. Usually when I want something in life I have this reservoir of immense drive, determination, possibly blind ambition. But it’s gone and that is so sad.
I’ve had lows in the 5 years since my last major bout of depression and have always found a way out, found motivation to change things. My new job (promotion) will be good for me and the team are good people, my boyfriend is good for me ( I used to drink, smoke, be very moody and bad with money) and he has helped me through these things. I don’t think I want to change anything as my life has never been so good, I want to enjoy this time and appreciate my successes, this is an alien emotion for me or perhaps I’m running on a rat race thinking it’s where I have to go but actually I want to fall off and choose a less predictable more challenging road where I actually begin to know myself not give my energy to work and people that carry on living in self enforced rose coloured spectacles. We create these bubbles of self protection – I’m safe my family loves me – I’m safe I have a good job – I’m safe I have some money in the bank – I’m clever I don’t let images of famine, war get to me – I’m ok I’m healthy and will live a long prosperous life – I’m happy because oil & territory wars (the killing of human beings) are not my problem, I have faith in my government – I’m safe as I have a home, running water and food – I’m safe as long as I keep happy.
Your right I cannot change things by just believing things should be different, but how can I be happy in my bubble when ‘world issues’ affect me day to day, the anti-ds will strengthen my bubble and in a few weeks I’ll forget I even cared