Hi there again

I am trying to be at peace with my parents.Although I calm on the outside I talk to them but things have changed.Yes there are things in our family,my parents do have issues. It’s 24/7 of fighting and blaming each other, using abusive words. But in all this chaos me and my mother we were close I have been listening to her stories all over again and again whole my life. After 5th standard i was sent to live with my maternal grandparents. I completed my studies there. Because my father was working in some far away place where he couldn’t take me and for my mother it was difficult to take care of me with work as there was no good school nearby. Still I was close to them. But now after this incident even when i talk it has left this void that doesn’t feel like it’ll be filled ever again. I don’t have anyone. No one except my parents in the name of family.And with them too it feels so superficial not to them but to me. I feel so lonely.My throat is hurting even writing this but i am finding it very hard. I know I am not going to have fights or discussion about this now but i haven’t been able to hug them or call them maa papa after the incident. Everyone says don’t spoil your relationship with your parents atleast. I try. I try and try but then I fail. I have become indifferent towards their emotions as they have become towards mine. And this indifference has left me lonely kind off. I have no sibling . I have friends but how many you can tell someone same thing again and again. I have lost interest in the things I used to like. It’s just like I am carrying myself and dragging myself with no sense of connection to anything. I even considered a doctor because I was finding even getting up from the bed very hard. She said I had symptoms of depression.And gave me prescription. I didn’t take the medicines as I don’t wanted to suppress my emotions and sadness as it was there for a reason. Friends say eventually things will sort out work on your career.I am capable of things But my mind it just keeps me in this state of confusion that I don’t know what i want to do further. Then it feels like i want to sleep atleast for a month. Earlier i used to meditate and loved  gardening but it’s not same anymore. I find it very hard to concentrate on one thing. It just feels like having a body with no sense of self and connection to God to anyone around.

I think it’s just “me”…Should I ask him for the last time or wait till I fix  my career and then talk to my parents and him.But keeping this hope when the other person is not giving me commitment it will not let me be at peace for a long time. We had parted ways in the very beginning in the first week of talking . I had told him about this at that very time. And then within a week he came saying that if this is in Destiny i am not afraid to fight for it.And also that we’ll see later. I knew it will be hard for me but i knew I am going to try my best to convince my parents and I know they will be happy if i am Happy in the end. There were lot many things like this which he said that are completely different now. Like my family will trust my choice he even told his mother that he will consider me when it comes to marrige.Buf then idk what conversation he had with her made him so much reluctant and he started to push me away.I want to atleast remind him of this  and ask if these were his only intentions.I have never done anything wrong throughout with him and with my parents as well. I wanted both of these people to be on the same page where we all can be at peace. I gave both of them time and waited. I am tired of this. He then says things like no one will fit into my family more than you.. you have a very poise nature everyone in my family is like that… No one will love me more than you….I am so happy that I am afraid I will not be able  to move on from this if i have to do it if your family doesn’t agree.  Then he says i have my brother’s marriage and no time to think about this right now.And also that I have stopped myself from loving you which idk how do he has on and off switch.

All I want to know is whether I should remind and ask him of what we started with or just let it be

How do I find peace with all these questions in my mind. How do people let go of people they once loved so easily?

Dear Kittu

I hope you are doing well.I am very much confused about from where to start.This does not only happen with boys.I am a girl,single child to my parents.I belong to so called upper caste and my boyfriend of 3 years belonged to low caste.My family is very much dysfunctional.Where i am constantly blamed by my father for being the reason of misery and no property given to him by my grandfather.  MY boyfriend and  I shared a beautiful relationship.Those 3 wonderful years.I would say that was the only part of my life where I had contentment. I am currently pursuing masters.I am 23 and my boyfriend (25) he is working in an MNC.Although it was not the right time for me to tell at home but it so happened i had to tell my parents about him.My parents otherwise would have been cool about it.But due to caste issue things went out of control.My boyfriend was not hopeful about our future.He was afraid both of us will not be able to move on and that i am so much attached to him I might do something to myself.And that he’ll not be able to take it.He wanted to part ways without me telling at home.But i was so Afraid of loosing him and I so firmly believe in fighting for Love.even when i am not settled in career yet there are so many issues going on with my family I told my parents.Its been 6 months.He has asked to not to fight for it.He is not ready to put me through this struggle.And also the shame or whatever it will bring to my family as per society.Also that his parents will not be comfortable because my parents will not treat his family as equal.He is financially far better than me. It’s been 6 months that we have talked only 2 3 times. I tried to talk to him and convince him to let me take a stand nd fight for it but he just asks me to focus on my career and that time will heal this.I was very much devasted or i still am maybe.I have left talking to my parents and my family.Sometimes my mother says that she will meet him and that her and my father are with me.But then next day she says this is not possible.you have brought shame to us.I am called shameless characterless and what not.That i was sent here to study and not to do such things. I have just lost that connection to anything.I was so suicidal at a point where I was continuously looking at the fan and wanted to take my life.but that too takes hell of a courage.My parents have stopped putting effort to talk to me.I am currently living far from them but in few days my masters will be completed and I have no idea if my parents are going to take me home or what they are going to do with me.my mother said other day that she is going to gather all relatives and get me beaten and that’ll fix my mind.And because she and my father who themselves had love marriage which has failed successfully she says there’s nothing like love all men are same.you’ll understand this in few months.How you’ll live in his family.he is low caste .from nikrist jaati and what not.Lines like mujhe shanka hoti hai.I don’t know whether I should fight for it or not.But either ways my relationship with my parents and family is doomed .In the name of family i only had my my mother and my maternal grandparents who have now stopped talking to me.

I feel so much void that is eating me continuously.its been more than 3 months I haven’t talked to my parents or him or anyone in the family.Just like a leaf in the ocean i feel lonely.I have exams going on .I have exam tomorrow too but here I am writing this.I was already carrying do much trauma from my parents who are constantly abusing each other and fighting and now this thing .It has left me in silence.I am afriad i will ever be able to do this again.I don’t trust my parents with my life.I don’t believe they can find me what i need in a man.And i am not even sure now that my boyfriend ex probably had that in him or not.Because he says things like things will get very dirty the more and more people will get involved in this and choose peace.

I am so lost in life.I barely can see anything ahead.i wanted to run away at a point but then here I am. cried to the point where my tears have dried now.Its so lonely.Like i don’t have anyone.My father even says that he’ll rather burn me if i die by suicide than consider this guy. So Idk.I saw that love in his eyes for me. and now ….

I would be glad if someone has something to say about this.