So I am still at home .. bedridden…but i am going for further studies to different town…..the situation in the family has worsened…i was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding.my fault was she was abusing him and I wanted her to stop.She loses control and i am  becoming like my mother too. When i get up the first question is when are you leaving. You are curse to the family. My mother’s mother puts fuel to it all the time.My mother keeps talking to her and crying whole day infront of me mocking about me and saying she did this to us. Whole day almost. Then she sleeps all day doesn’t cook meals. Yesterday I ate after one and half day. Yes I can cook for myself but i don’t feel like going in their kitchen when all of this is happening. Constantly i am told to die so that they can live in peace. My father doesn’t talk to my mother and me. Both. He cooks for himself and eats alone.when i try to go out nd ask for certificate she starts beating me and fighting me.When i try to cut off from her she doesn’t let me do that too.what do I do in a situation like this. I have become idk what.When i tell him all of this he says parents do say such things. It’s okay. Give it time.leave it to God. Miracles do happen. And we do have three years. I am not asking you to wait either. I had never expected him to be this person.When i needed him he ghosted me in a way. I do love him but I’ll try not to wait.I am so angry with the situation.How do i do life on my own. I feel so insecure when someone starts talking to me. I don’t have family or anything nor i am that beautiful. I haven’t achieved anything in life too.Is this how my life going to be forever? If not what do I do with it.

All i want to say is after so much has happened in the past few months … I still couldn’t unlove him. I still couldn’t give me strong reasons why I should give up on him.If i have him in my heart and i Marry someone else someday it will be injustice to the other person as well.

I have so many examples here at my place ..one of my mother’s cousin (46) she is .. her father did not let her marry the man she wanted to. later she denied marrying anyone else. The guy got married has kids and living in his life. She on the other hand lives in one room in her parents house. Her father beats her to death sometimes as she abuses and does mad things. Sometimes drugs. Her father did not let her work too in the fear of her eloping.

Second was one of my mother’s friend same thing happened with her but she is working has not married anyone else.They guy in this case too has kids nd is married to someone else.

Third was one of my known aunt whose marriage was almost fixed .the marriage was inter religion.due to her family the marriage couldn’t happen and got cancelled at the end time.The guy got married to someone else has kids and she on the other hand decided to not get married again.Now she has house of her own ,is working and living her life like that.

It’s not that there aren’t good guys. It’s that i don’t want to give myself to anyone.Especially when love is arranged.You are forced to get married. Then give birth to 2 children. Then a lifetime of responsibilities all for what? a compromise, fear of loneliness or what.The heart wants what it wants. If they didn’t agree to meet the one I wanted them to meet why i should meet the one’s they want me to meet.

Thanks for this detailed analysis.I am working on what you said.I still do have some concerns tho…..I don’t  see the world same… ofcourse you and everyone will tell me there will be someone else…. Maybe there will be someone else someday….How I have started seeing relationships especially husband and wife … It’s less of love more of taking care of needs of each other especially in our Indian society.. I don’t see myself putting myself through the process of falling in love again ..like it’s a big No(it’s not that I have got my heart broken for the first time)But it’s a No for once and all….. Arranged things look nothing more than deal to me…… I’ll rather work on myself towards not needing anyone.No one understands.We are so shallow people. We are only here for one time and we can’t live our life as we want to. Compromises arrogance.. how I’ll stop my parents from not forcing me into some marriage or How’ll i even not stop myself from marrying someone out of loneliness… There are still aunties here who come and starting to ask what age is your daughter what caste you are from and then start giving options. I am not okay with arranged marriages. I don’t want to fall in love again. I don’t want to be lonely as well. So what i am going to do….. Either be arrogant and keep denying to get married and meet anyone…. How long can you fight with your family… I have lost myself in this struggle of emotions.

Hi there again,

I am feeling so much depressed lately, I stay in bed all the time and get anxiety attacks.Its a feeling like everything from my stomach will come out.I have no interest left in anything.I stare at the roof all the time.Like my brain is put to some anesthesia.I get anger outbursts.Last night i was crying then my parents came nd gave me two hour of a talk.Where they say things like …i actually don’t remember…like some memory loss.

Then they curse me in abusive words that I’ll never be happy in life because I made them sad.I chose this for myself.That our generation has started choosing for ourselves and have no maryada.That go away with him.We have people here who can take care of us.We will never be happy.I just can’t concentrate study …how do I jump into the race of competitive exams.Every second i am suffocating and only surrounded by negative thoughts.I really want to take my life but can’t.Every second i just think about him.More of some obsession .i can’t eat or sleep properly.although i am in bed all the time.i have started hating myself so much.I am not a good child.

And the question that how I’ll react if she says…. I’ll immediately stop her from saying that…. I’ll talk to her before also not to say anything like that and if she says then that’ll impact our relationship which is already at this point.

Regarding this that my parents (my mother) will say things on his face no they’ll not. I am sure of that they’ll not do it. Sometimes all of this angers me to the point that I have my life I want to keep them happy and what they are doing to me.. I want to turn selfish and if someone wants to marry me someday after I am settled in career and I’ll marry in the court and not call any of them 😒…… Is this life all about.. compromises sacrifices?? And then living with rage?

1. If at a restaurant she’ll hesitate a little but then Eat….She has sometimes let people from other communities come to our house and eat although in different plates.Sometimes even have said that everyone is equal.This much of things she is saying only when it has come to me.I am single child and she is very possesive about me or I’ll say her world revolves around me.For parents it’s like it’s just a teenage thing she’ll forget him if she stops talking to him.In Hindi as they say “baaton mein aajana”.By any means separate her from him. She’ll find someone else fall in love again. But this thing will leave a scar on the heart no matter what.

I hope I have not made you feel frustrated with all this.. I apologise for that if so..

Thing is my parents come from a different time  and how they see things is how they have been taught by their older generations. I can try to change their heart but may not exceed. Sad part is this caste system is so much deep rooted in us that even my boyfriend believes that he is from that low caste…. I constantly try to tell him you are not but what else can I do. My mother has so much fear of relatives as well that they’ll laugh at us or they’ll die of shame in the society.Our generation is more or less doesn’t care about what others talk about us but the generation of our parents do. They are not aware about the psychological impact of doing this  or maybe they do not even belive something like this exists.

I wanted to be with this man  to prove to society as well that no one is made less or more by God which i truly believe.Him giving up on us for this bizarre reason is also one of the reason how caste system will go on for generations to come.We should let these walls break down.

Although he has said we have time I am not going anywhere I am not getting married before you as well  & that he’ll talk to his parents after October.He then says that when it comes to asking God I’ll pray it’s you and me in the end.

My parents are also trying to move out of this village and we’ll be living in some other place hopefully.

I am so grateful to have someone who is taking so much time and putting effort to write so much for me.Thank you Anita ma’am.I don’t know you but it feels like i have a corner where i can come and share without feeling guilty.Thanks a lot🌻

Hardest thing about all this is knowing you are not wrong Caste system is wrong, having the strength to fight with everyone for that person and trying to show your parents the right thing as well……. Still seeing that sometimes life is just trying to teach you patience, acceptance and letting go and many more things.

It feels he is doing it less for him and his family more for my parents and their respect. I have left it to God now maybe.I hope he gets the best and if it’s not him and I in the end  in God’s plan May both of us move on and live our life.It hurts to see him trying to suppress his emotions and pushing himself so much.He tries to be happy but I can see what war is going within him.I hope time heals him and me too. Or if I could I’ll ask God to give him courage to stand by me.

Thank you.

I know you must be busy with your life too ma’am.I will not mind even if you’ll take days to reply.Do so only when you feel like it.

Sending love and gratitude 💕