If in his 30s he is still looking upto his parents for his life’s decision and putting you through this.. idk . Indian families are just toxic in the name of culture and traditions.There is no quickfix to your pain, I’ll not give you false hopes.. world is like that.. it’s not fair.sooner you accept it better it will be for you.If he wants to marry you and family is not budjing you can marry without their approval.. such people do not deserve to be part of their children’s life.And if he is not showing any effort.. don’t waste another 12 years. Good luck didi.

Heartbreaks are tough.. aren’t they!! Hi .. is anyone there?

Hi there one more time and thanks for asking,

I am very confused at this point about answering how I am.I am good at times but not all the time.I am in a new place it’s been almost two months.I guess i said I am letting it go but it’s really difficult at times.I feel intense emotions now and then.I feel distant from my parents.I do not feel like talking to anyone from my family.I have withdrawn myself from everywhere i guess.Sometimes i feel fool as I can see the truth still i am not at peace with it.There is no desire left in me for anything.I feel cursed to have this heart and also this that i end up getting used by people all the time.I really don’t see it is worth continuing.Its like my desire for joy as well has ended.Its the same feeling of being dead inside but still dragging myself throughout the day to do bare minimum things.I talk to people laugh go out attend classes of the the course I have joined but in the end i come home to this dark side which no matter how hard i tell myself but feels like it will never end.even when i know with time I will learn to live with it I don’t.I carry myself throughout the day laughing and pretending i am perfectly alright but deep down its empty and it just pains unbearably at times.

Apart from this i am alright.i guess i am just a sad person who is used to it and knows nothing better than it.I am living with suicidal thoughts all day long but i am so much of a procrastinator i know i will not even succeed in that.

It’s 2 am in the morning.i was about to fall asleep.my mother came to my room.i don’t have personal room there is curtain here.i closed the curtain for privacy.my mother came out of nowhere and opened it.i closed it more than 5 times she again and again  opened it.She started abusing me i out of anger pushed her 😭..i feel so guilty that i pushed her so hard she got hit by table.I don’t want to live this life.I really want to die.nothing is going to settle down.She is still angry and roaming around here and saying to call the relatives and police on me.i did wrong but it was jmpulsive as she was not getting it.i often am trapped in suicidal thoughts but my parents i know will kill him too.and so I am not going to do anything like that.its never ending.even if i stay away this will still go on.i am forced to show love to them talk to them.All the time she is like stop doing this drama but i feel i am in severe depression too.idk if i am wrong too.Indian parents never get it.never.

So I am still at home .. bedridden…but i am going for further studies to different town…..the situation in the family has worsened…i was beaten by my mother to the point where my nose started bleeding.my fault was she was abusing him and I wanted her to stop.She loses control and i am  becoming like my mother too. When i get up the first question is when are you leaving. You are curse to the family. My mother’s mother puts fuel to it all the time.My mother keeps talking to her and crying whole day infront of me mocking about me and saying she did this to us. Whole day almost. Then she sleeps all day doesn’t cook meals. Yesterday I ate after one and half day. Yes I can cook for myself but i don’t feel like going in their kitchen when all of this is happening. Constantly i am told to die so that they can live in peace. My father doesn’t talk to my mother and me. Both. He cooks for himself and eats alone.when i try to go out nd ask for certificate she starts beating me and fighting me.When i try to cut off from her she doesn’t let me do that too.what do I do in a situation like this. I have become idk what.When i tell him all of this he says parents do say such things. It’s okay. Give it time.leave it to God. Miracles do happen. And we do have three years. I am not asking you to wait either. I had never expected him to be this person.When i needed him he ghosted me in a way. I do love him but I’ll try not to wait.I am so angry with the situation.How do i do life on my own. I feel so insecure when someone starts talking to me. I don’t have family or anything nor i am that beautiful. I haven’t achieved anything in life too.Is this how my life going to be forever? If not what do I do with it.

All i want to say is after so much has happened in the past few months … I still couldn’t unlove him. I still couldn’t give me strong reasons why I should give up on him.If i have him in my heart and i Marry someone else someday it will be injustice to the other person as well.

I have so many examples here at my place ..one of my mother’s cousin (46) she is .. her father did not let her marry the man she wanted to. later she denied marrying anyone else. The guy got married has kids and living in his life. She on the other hand lives in one room in her parents house. Her father beats her to death sometimes as she abuses and does mad things. Sometimes drugs. Her father did not let her work too in the fear of her eloping.

Second was one of my mother’s friend same thing happened with her but she is working has not married anyone else.They guy in this case too has kids nd is married to someone else.

Third was one of my known aunt whose marriage was almost fixed .the marriage was inter religion.due to her family the marriage couldn’t happen and got cancelled at the end time.The guy got married to someone else has kids and she on the other hand decided to not get married again.Now she has house of her own ,is working and living her life like that.

It’s not that there aren’t good guys. It’s that i don’t want to give myself to anyone.Especially when love is arranged.You are forced to get married. Then give birth to 2 children. Then a lifetime of responsibilities all for what? a compromise, fear of loneliness or what.The heart wants what it wants. If they didn’t agree to meet the one I wanted them to meet why i should meet the one’s they want me to meet.

Thanks for this detailed analysis.I am working on what you said.I still do have some concerns tho…..I don’t  see the world same… ofcourse you and everyone will tell me there will be someone else…. Maybe there will be someone else someday….How I have started seeing relationships especially husband and wife … It’s less of love more of taking care of needs of each other especially in our Indian society.. I don’t see myself putting myself through the process of falling in love again ..like it’s a big No(it’s not that I have got my heart broken for the first time)But it’s a No for once and all….. Arranged things look nothing more than deal to me…… I’ll rather work on myself towards not needing anyone.No one understands.We are so shallow people. We are only here for one time and we can’t live our life as we want to. Compromises arrogance.. how I’ll stop my parents from not forcing me into some marriage or How’ll i even not stop myself from marrying someone out of loneliness… There are still aunties here who come and starting to ask what age is your daughter what caste you are from and then start giving options. I am not okay with arranged marriages. I don’t want to fall in love again. I don’t want to be lonely as well. So what i am going to do….. Either be arrogant and keep denying to get married and meet anyone…. How long can you fight with your family… I have lost myself in this struggle of emotions.

Hi there again,

I am feeling so much depressed lately, I stay in bed all the time and get anxiety attacks.Its a feeling like everything from my stomach will come out.I have no interest left in anything.I stare at the roof all the time.Like my brain is put to some anesthesia.I get anger outbursts.Last night i was crying then my parents came nd gave me two hour of a talk.Where they say things like …i actually don’t remember…like some memory loss.

Then they curse me in abusive words that I’ll never be happy in life because I made them sad.I chose this for myself.That our generation has started choosing for ourselves and have no maryada.That go away with him.We have people here who can take care of us.We will never be happy.I just can’t concentrate study …how do I jump into the race of competitive exams.Every second i am suffocating and only surrounded by negative thoughts.I really want to take my life but can’t.Every second i just think about him.More of some obsession .i can’t eat or sleep properly.although i am in bed all the time.i have started hating myself so much.I am not a good child.