Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate it. Sorry if my post was a bit confusing!

My partner and I were together for six months, he broke up with me, I wanted no further contact. 1.5 years later he comes back and says he still thinks about me. It was right at the end of this 1.5 years period that my partner was dating someone, when he had decided to get back in contact with me. At the time he told me he was already wanting to end it with her as he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything serious (she lived a few hours away and just generally wasn’t feeling it). There was some overlap of maybe 1 – 2 weeks from him talking with me and him ending it with her. When he told me he ended it with her he didn’t say that she asked if they could still be friends (he had obliged) and unbeknownst to me they were still speaking now and then. So when it came out that it was her her met I was very taken aback, and felt lied to.

The issue and struggle was about him meeting that woman (who I didn’t know he was still in contact with) after we got back together officially i.e. he was already my boyfriend. He didn’t tell me it was the woman he essentially ‘left’ for me. Nor did I know they were still in contact.

The fights and arguments were always about our conflicting points of view on the event. Me: he lied by omission. Him: he did nothing wrong by meeting her. Which, technically he didn’t but it’s the fact he didn’t see it as information to share is what got me. He apologised for not telling me or being aware it was something I’d want to know about. To be fair, if I had have known at the time, I wouldn’t have stopped him.

You’ve understood my point of view, perfectly. To add to it, I do blame him for the pain of getting ghosted during 1.5 year period because he broke up with me in the first place, then came back again after realising he still missed me. And I am hurt he then caused more pain by not telling me he a) was still speaking to that woman (who still liked him) and b) not telling me he met up with her.

To answer your question, yes, I do think there are anxiety-related behaviours that I need to keep in check. I have low self esteem and get jealous quite easily (youngest child syndrome who was spoilt) which is a work in progress. The issue is that even when I think I’m doing better my partner refuses to see it. He has basically said he’s no longer putting in any effort until he sees a reason to – i.e. sees me changing my behaviour. Unfortunately, lockdown happened so we’ve been in each other’s pockets for a good 4 months, and life isn’t normal so the situation doesn’t exactly lend itself to him naturally seeing my changed behaviour play out.

I don’t know if it’s too late for us, if he is being fair, if it’s all my fault, and I don’t know how to make him see that if he is only picking at the negative behaviours he will never see the changes.