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sunflowerbird89

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  • October 9, 2016 at 4:36 pm in reply to: It has been almost 5 years since I was "dumped" by a group of 5 "best friends". #117641
    sunflowerbird89
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Anonymous and Satao,
    Thank you for your insightful responses! I can’t begin to tell you how much lighter I feel now after being heard, understood and advised!

    Anonymous – I was feeling so terrible for not being socially comfortable. As each day passed, I was expecting things to miraculously change and be the fun cool social person despite not putting much effort. And when those miracles didn’t happen, disappointment would grow. And yes, I was feeling bad – like a bad person for not being able to trust people and not feeling as good as I had once felt. But, I am glad to hear this is normal and that it is fair that my trust has to be earned.

    Anita – I like the idea about writing a list! And, I really think I miss not having that connection with people. I should put in some effort into building real connections and a social life. I should be learn to accept that these new connections will be different that my college or school connections. They will take time but hopefully be stronger and more meaningful!

    Thanks to both of you for understanding so well. I feel stronger and less crazy somehow!

    October 1, 2016 at 11:50 am in reply to: It has been almost 5 years since I was "dumped" by a group of 5 "best friends". #116886
    sunflowerbird89
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for responding.

    I have come to accept that these ex-friends didn’t really behave as friends then and I should move on. But, the frequent dreams about them and the difficulty making new friends (friendships are easier when we are young) makes me constantly sad and difficult to move on. I know I should just tell myself that things change and that I should learn to make the best out of my otherwise perfect life.

    I also want to share with you all that I have been doing good in other aspects of my life. I got a Masters degree after that and a job that I really like. I have grown from the “just-fun” unfocused person into a more focused person. I spend my time learning about important things and on my career. But I feel that I am limiting my social life. I don’t need many friends like before. But, I don’t want to be the shy person with low self esteem and who cannot talk to people. I know I can be better. But, for some reason, I am not. I want to be the socially comfortable person and I want to be able to trust people more (which I was before this incident). I have no friends right now and that makes me sad!

    September 30, 2016 at 2:09 pm in reply to: It has been almost 5 years since I was "dumped" by a group of 5 "best friends". #116805
    sunflowerbird89
    Participant

    Thank you! As I mentioned, I used to be a very fun and outgoing person. This meant, I would occasionally drink and attend parties. After college, I moved to city where an older cousin, who used to be a recovering alcoholic with deep anxiety issues also lived. I was also facing some personal (mild version of depression) and professional issues (lack of job) when I moved – all this prevented me from traveling, or even drinking or doing anything fun. When Jane (who sort of knew that I was unwell and with issues) and others visited, this cousin also visited us because he also knew them. Jane, unaware of my cousin’s deep-rooted fear of drinking, started making fun of me that I was no longer fun and that I was dull and that I should drink and go out more. My cousin, assuming that I was being pushed got very mad and thought he had to defend me. In this process, he firmly said that Jane should be helping me do better in life instead of forcing me to “resort to unhealthy habits”. I guess this offended her. I wouldn’t entirely blame her. We used to make fun of each other. My cousin should not have gotten involved. I tried to put an end and was able to finally get my cousin out of that spot. Then, I apologized to Jane and the others and told them that my cousin was only trying to protect me. This did not help and I tried to explain this to the others and they immediately agreed with me. Jane was not around when I spoke to the rest of the group.

    P.S.: We come from a slightly orthodox country and alcohol is a little touchy topic for us. But, everyone drinks.

    September 30, 2016 at 12:59 pm in reply to: Socially speaking… #116795
    sunflowerbird89
    Participant

    You may have already thought of these, but you can try:
    – Attending a few meetups (meetup.com) depending on your hobbies and interests. Volunteering meetups are great if you have no particular interests
    – Are you a student or do you work? Asking your coworkers/class mates “hello! how’s it going?” couple of times to start with and gradually asking relevant questions about their life will help you get friends if not having friends is the issue.

    These are common suggestions made by many. Sometimes, there are not relevant. Do you know why you do not have a social life? Knowing the reasons will help you find ways to overcome them. I wish you all the very best!

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