Hi Lucy,

Are you sure you want to be a lawyer? You said it was a dream of yours. But you also said only because it was the closest thing to being a professional writer. To me, it sounds more like you’re settling to do this, and stepping through it without you’re heart in it. ‘I was already emotionally finished with being an undergraduate student’, ‘I returned to work there this year, because they said they wanted to have me back’, and ‘I didn’t have anything else to do really after work’ are signs, to me, that you’re not pursuing a dream. Now I’m not saying you should bail out on any of this. Perhaps you do have some interest in the field. But question whether it is truly a dream of yours. Consider the love you stated for economics and your mentioning of writing professionally. Toss these around in your head. Do they feel more desirable to you? If your day is filled with work and more work that you don’t enjoy, AND that’s all you’re thinking about, then yeah the moment will probably be boring. But it doesn’t have to be. Instead, fill your head with dreams and desires, big and small, long term and short term. Then it really doesn’t matter where you’re at, because any given moment will feel brighter. Drill down into what is it about writing and economics you really enjoy. Get specific. You may find other ways to experience it, who knows, even today. The more aware you are of what YOU love, the more peace you’ll find in any given moment. Let me state it another way. Simply being aware of what you desire is fulfillment in itself. The fulfillment I’m talking about is a warm calmness, rather than a constant excitement. I mention this because we often see excitement as a definition for happiness. Yes, moments of thrill are fantastic, who can argue. But the ‘bread and butter’ of happiness, to me, is peace of mind. This is the opposite of excitement. And certainly not boring.

Hope this helps 🙂

Hi Bill,

If those dreams have been unattainable (up to this point), maybe you can pursue and enjoy smaller dreams in the meantime or instead. Always ‘shooting for the stars’ can lead to burn out if all you focus on is the stars. What about the steps in the middle?

Let’s say I dream of recording an album. Though along the way I learn a good amount about sound engineering. Ok, let’s pause and feel what’s going on. I just gained some valuable knowledge about sound engineering! Maybe that in itself opens other doors for me to pursue other dreams, big or small.

There’s the saying ‘think big’. Yes it is a good thing. But don’t overlook the small.

Hope this helps.

Hi Sandy,

I hope to add to the fantastic advice from Ruminant and Crystal.

It seems to me that your two options are kind of like this: 1) Put in the work/effort and everything will line up, go smoothly, take you where you ‘need to be’, or 2) If things are not going smooth, then it’s time to scramble and fight to get things back on track. Is that accurate?

If it is, then I know the feeling. I used to see things that way as well. But I’ve learned a few things along the way:

1) Things are rarely as bad as the seem
Ok, so things are not going as you’d suspect. Take a moment, and a few slow breaths, steady yourself. As Ruminant said, life rarely goes according to plan. Remind yourself of this. It can feel awkward being off track, like the world is against you, if you’re not going forward with a plan. I used to feel this way, but it’s not like that. Yes, there are dog-eat-dog people out there, but there are plenty of helpful people and situations ready for you. You don’t have to be driving forward all the time. You might just burn out. It’s ok to drift.

2) The smallest adjustment can make a huge difference
Just like the surfer who can make the slightest shift to regain balance, you too might be able to do the same. Open yourself to possibilities. For example, are there courses online you can take? Take your time and look for the little things. Who knows what good things just one of those might lead to?

3) It really is about the journey, rather than the destination
See the situation as options opening up before you. How about that? YOU get to decide the next step. When you approach it like this, it can be empowering, even fun. Where will it lead to? You might have some idea, but you’ll never know for sure. To me, this sounds like an interesting adventure where you get to choose what you want, think on your feet. Take the experience in as you go. Allow yourself to cheer for the unexpected fortunes, pout at the unexpected failures, and all other experiences. We all go through this, and some are learning to enjoy it as it happens. You can too.

Hope I’ve made sense and at least some of it applies to you! 🙂

Faith/trust in the relationship (my take)

I see relationships as connections which are out of our control. Sure, each of us has some measure of control over ourselves. But it takes two people for a relationship to exist. Since you are not controlling (and should not be) the other half of the relationship, then relationships takes their own course. Consider another relationship like a friendship. Surely your friendships don’t all feel the same. I think it’s simply because each friendship involves a unique combination of personalities. How those two personalities react to each other gives rise to the type of friendship which emerges. We don’t choose what kind of friendship we’re going to have with someone, and then make it happen. It just happens naturally. We can probably think of that one friend who we can go years without speaking, meet up again out of the blue, and pick up right where we left off. Then there are friends who we can’t go as far with, for whatever the reason. Maybe just not enough common interests, sense of humor, compassion, whatever. My point is that relationships are very much out of our control. And that is healthy.

My advice is to let go of having faith in the relationship. Let it happen naturally, if it is to happen. Attempting to make yourself trust in it is not good. It can’t be. It would be like you’re simply commanding yourself to feel confident in something without enough evidence. I think it’s good to have experiences to draw on, over time, to develop trust.

On that note, what you can do for yourself is be attentive to your experience. For example, if you’re bothered about him not pushing girls away enough, take note of it. But give it some thought, if you haven’t already. Ask yourself how you behave when you talk to attractive guys. Do you harmlessly flirt? Do you get excited? Do you behave like he does when he talks to other girls? Maybe you’ve already considered this and are still bothered by how he acts around other girls. Are you specific to him/yourself about what about it bothers you? I’m exploring ways in which you can be more in tune with what you’re experiencing, and avoiding a rushed judgment.

I’m trying not to come off as a know-it-all, with solutions to problems. I don’t know the best answers to people’s dilemas. But I have invested a LOT of time in sorting things out on my own, struggling to connect the dots, making sense of life as I see it. And one person’s perspective is all I can offer. What I do know is that humans are amazingly good at fooling themselves and others. It often takes effort to pull back the curtain and see what’s going on inside our minds. And it takes routine effort to turn it into a healthy habit, hopefully increasing our wisdom. Also, the more I work on myself, it seems the less needy I become to be in a romantic relationship. It becomes more of a ‘nice to have’ than a ‘must have’. And that has brought me a lot of peace, and an increased appreciation for life.

Pardon my rambling. Hopefully there is some tidbits you can draw from. The points I try to stress are to let trust and relationships happen naturally, consider specifically what bothers you and why, and lastly, setting boundaries. I did a quick search on the internets for it, and there is an intereting one on this very site. http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/

Hi Carly, I don’t claim to have a resolution for your situation, mainly because I can’t possibly know everything that’s involved.

Though I think I can offer some insight.

Based on what you’ve said, I see one glaring issue. Your BF was with his ex and you during a same time period. Can I assume that the ex did not know about this relationship with you during this time? That he was cheating on her with you?

If it was cheating, then you know without a doubt that he has cheated in a relationship. Not to mention that you have stated that you have cheated in a relationship as well. It would not surprise me if this is the reason (or at least a main one) for your being suspicious of his intentions.

Let’s say he never sees his ex again. Ask yourself if you’re still suspicious of him in other situations. While you’re at it, ask yourself if you trust yourself in other situations as well. You may be at a point in your life where it’s a good idea to take a step back and evaluate what kind of romantic relationship you want to have. Do you want a relationship where you don’t have to worry about him sleeping with someone behind your back?

If you routinely have these feelings about him cheating, I have to say it would do you well to take a step back and consider these things. How much of a step back you need is only for you to measure. Maybe take a few days to yourself. Tell him this, rather than disappear from him. Communication is the key. If he doesn’t like the idea of you taking some space for yourself, then ask yourself if you want to be with someone who doesn’t allow you your own space.

My point is that each of us is free to pursue the kind of relationships which we feel comfortable with. This does not mean attempting to change the other person. Though it may mean changing yourself, in the ways you see fit. You set your own standards/boundaries, though it may take some time to work those things out on your own, discover what those are.

Accept the possibility that things might not work out between you two. I can tell you really don’t want the relationship to end, and yeah it’s a heart breaking experience. But it’s not the end, and you know it.

Hope this offers you a new and beneficial perspective.