Thanks for your words Anita. It’s funny a while back my partner made the comment that I don’t really listen and the truth was I wasn’t. An example of this is when he needed time for himself I took it as him not wanting to be with me. Since then I have really tried to listen, not interrupt, give my opinion (only when he asks) and just make sure he feels heard. I do this normally by repeating in some form what he has said e.g. I understand you feel very concerned about your job being under threat and I can see see why that would be worrying.

The advice on the dad situation is much appreciated. I had never thought that by saying you can tell your dad is proud of you I am actually devaluing how he feels.

I suppose my questions are and I know you have answered some in the above so please excuse me if I repeat myself:

– From what you said I assuming you were able to build your self worth while you were in your relationship? I always struggle with how you hear you are both suppose to come to the relationship as two complete people.
– My partners comment ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’ still bugs me, I don’t want to make assumptions on what he meant. The context around the statement was that we were out to dinner for my birthday and i mentioned I received a card from an old workmate. I said I was surprised as I hadn’t seen him in years. My partners response was something along the lines of he probably had a crush on me and then he went on to say ‘if you met the love of your life I wouldn’t begrudge you for choosing someone else over me’. I didn’t question it then as I didn’t want to wreck our night but I would like to know what he meant. Do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up in a non-threatening way? \
– I suppose my last question is I do want to understand how he feels about us. I asked him the question about does he want us to be friend or lovers and he said he needed time to think and I do want an answer to that but more than anything I want to understand how he feels. Maybe he has told me in the past ‘when he said he doesn’t feel good enough’ but I would love to gain deeper understanding of how he is feeling but not sure how to even start the conversation. Do you have any suggestions on how to make him open up?

Thanks again for your time

You’re very insightful Anita. After the affair he felt a tremendous amount of shame and guilt which drove him to see a counselor. Since then I felt he and overcome some of that sense of shame but he often will make comments how I’m good two-shoes, that I have integrity and maturity beyond my years. He has said that he is trying to be a better man and I do see that some of his behaviour has changed, he often will leave drinks or things early if he feels like it goes down the wrong path. But it still feels like at times he wants to paint me as good and himself as bad and unworthy. I don’t at all see it that way, we are all many shades of grey.

I know I’m not the only person he has these feelings with. He idolised his father who is very out-going mans, man and he isn’t that, so has always felt like he has disappointed his father. I see a dad that is very proud of him and only wants him to be happy.

So I have so much empathy for him Anita and have felt guilty myself that I’m doing something that makes him feel guilty and inadequate.

Can I ask Anita, how did you come to feel good enough? Were you supported by your partner in anyway?

Thank you ladies for your wise words. I had thought I had forgiven but I think you’re right Doreen I’m still holding on and I need to let go if we’re to move forward. I’m letting my fears drive me, which isn’t healthy.

Maggie he did go to counselling for this. Though he hadn’t told me, he couldn’t deal with what he had done. So for the first time in his life he went to a counselor . This was one of the things that did provide me with a bit of comfort that he wasn’t a bad guy, just done a bad thing.

I think I will have to learn to be patient. To see what happens in our story but make sure I don’t stick my head in the sand if no more trust develops.

But am I just in love what I want him to be, not who he is?

So much of what you said Maggie hit home. I never thought I’d be the girl that would be with someone that cheated on me. Truth be told he didn’t tell me. His counsellor told him that it was his burden to carry. I found out through other means. It has taken me a long time to come to peace with that.

But now I’m here with as you say so much good stuff and in the last while we’ve come leaps and bounds. We’ve shared alot more of our lives; the people, the moments, the not so nice truths. All of which has brought us closer together. So I feel torn, that we’re making progress but I haven’t been able to shake of the thoughts I don’t know if he has resolved why his ego needs attention from others. Or am I being naive? Is this what all humans need? But he needs it more?

I love him with all my heart, that is while I’m still here. But I am strong enough to know that I can live without him but for some reason I can’t say goodbye. I have moments that I feel I can and I talk, think of him and I feel like we’re so connected and why would I turn my back on that. But he does deserve the respect and if I can’t past this, that isn’t fair to both of us.