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Thanks Anita. As hard as it is I’ve had to swallow my pride and take a hard look at the image of myself that both you and him have reflected back to me. And I see a lack of humility mixed with insecurity and fear. I was more focused on his fears, not seeing that it was my own fears messing with my head. Time has made me see I only want to believe the best in myself. The reality is, I was looking for a way to make things perfect and I had to have things done my way. That shows me I wasn’t ready for the relationship. The only thing I can be grateful for is that this has pushds me done a path where I’m going to have to make myself ready if I’m ever to have the relationship/partnership I want to have.
Any other words of wisdom are most welcome. I had thought of sharing the above with my ex but I don’t want to upset him. I have apologised for how I acted but only now am I daring myself to allow this experience to alter my view. I suppose the question is does he need to know that?
So I took your advice and shared my fears within him, not about us both myself and hating feeling weak etc.We came back to talking about our relationship and moving in together. He had given it alot more thought and was so open with me about his fears. He says he see me as the greatest thing that’s happened to him and he feels like it’s a bigger decision he’s making. That if he says no to me he’s saying no the only chance he’ll have at being a father, being in a real relationship, that no would mean he’d live an isolated life, in the vacuum. So in his heart he wants to say yes but he doesn’t know if he can live up to it. I said it all about intention, wanting to try, we can’t predict things but he’s worried he won’t meet my expectation of being present (he feels like he’s a zombie during the week), being open – (he closes things off when he’s stressed) and making his work less of a priority. He’s very insightful these are all my worry points but also torn about him feeling like he has to change. I did ask him whether he was happy for work to be his priority because if he was he shouldn’t change but his response was that it’s the only way he knows so he’s worried he won’t beable to change that habit. He isn’t sure what to do. I told him I didn’t want to pressure him but found it helpful to talk to someone so he’s going to talk to his mum this week about it. I’m not sure what to think. I know he cares and values me and I wonder if talking about what could be a solution that works for both of us on the above ie. openess, presence, priorities. I also believe that I’m not his only chance at a relationship, maybe there is someone that is more suited to him than me. I want him to be happy even if that means it’s not with me. I welcome any thoughts, I really hated seeing him so worried and torn.
Anita you have given me so much, thank you. It was strange re-reading my words and seeing how I was expressing myself. You have allowed me to see that though I have never consciously thought this way I am positioning myself as the good one and him as week. He was so brave in sharing so much of himself with me and beyond saying what I want from the relationship I haven’t done the same and I need to.
In terms of language strong, I think it comes from when my previous long-term relationship broke down I was when i had completely lost my confidence, I was struggling to find work, I felt weak and helpless and in this state my partner of 10 years broke up with me. With my current boyfriend when we were living overseas together both of us had a lot of pressure from work we didn’t cope well with and again I felt like I lost myself, my happiness, I felt weak and that’s when he cheated. So I do have this association with when I feel weak, negative things happen. So I have had this focus on being strong, believing in myself and abilities. I don’t think by itself that is a negative thing as I know I can’t rely on someone else for my happiness but I also have to be willing to be vulnerable. I suppose when you asked me what I meant by my fears, my biggest fear is being weak and what will happen.
You have made me recognise everything will never be ok, but that is ok. I might have to keep reminding myself of that one. But when I talked about crumbs it was more that I do want a partner in life, a buddy to share my life with, to build a life with and I don’t feel like I have that. It feels like he compartmentalises me to the weekend, where we do spend quality time together and then have the odd phone chat during the week but it feels like smaller than I’d like and I hate how I sounds saying this but a txt or a phone call each day doesn’t seem that much to do for someone you love. So rightly or wrongly this is the imperfection I’m struggling with.
I didn’t hear from him yesterday after trying to call him, so no contact beyond seeing each other in the morning. It’s just a small action but I wonder if he says he wants us but can’t actually put that into action. Not sure what I can do but keep living my life. But I wonder why though? He seemed so content with us on the weekend, so open but the walls have gone back. My friends say I have to look at his actions not his words. It’s hard.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 