<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Brynro,</p>
thank you for sharing this complicated and sensitive situation. I am sad to hear she is no longer speaking with you, but perhaps she is doing so in order to cool off and avoid yelling more at you.

I agree that her anger seems disproportionate. In my opinion, since you all are sisters and supposedly know each other practically since birth, these relationships are loaded with histories and memories. It feels to me like this fight really may be about more than the trip. Perhaps this reminds her of a different time she felt hurt, left behind, or excluded? I feel like this event may have triggered an emotional response of an unresolved conflict that happened years ago.

Nevertheless, I believe it is great to communicate as openly as possible, and it seems like you tried to do this over the past few months (although some resentment may have remained due to the mentions that she was not able to understand what you wanted for your birthday). However since she is not responding, no communication can be had. I believe a well-written apology is a step in the right direction, but a long and honest conversation (when she’s ready) can mean a lot too. I don’t think this is really about the last-minute trip, I think the last-minute trip is a metaphor for something else – an overall feeling that you don’t prioritize her, or some other narrative/belief that she holds and is looking to affirm.

I agree that seeing them more often outside of birthdays would help heal the relationship. In my experience, my family’s and ex-lovers’ biggest spats always happened around vulnerable expectation-fueled and regression-fueled events such as birthdays and holidays. It’s always tough! i find it’s easier to resolve feelings and candidly describe expectations when everyone’s sober  and not in “special event mode.”

I hope my bystander observations are helpful. Thanks again and wish the best for you and your family. Please remember your life decisions are yours to make, and we on this forum don’t know your life as well as you do!

Dear Anon765,

I am very sad to hear that happened to you. I had to reply to this topic because I was, just a minute ago, confronting this same negative core belief about myself! (Holding on to the belief that I am ugly as opposed to the belief I am beautiful/handsome/gorgeous.) Thank you for sharing your story here.

If you feel comfortable, can you please state the specific sentences in a dialogue conversation? I ask this because, as of right now, what was said is quite vague and open to interpretation. Sharing the specific words may alleviate your burden because we can unpack them and understand what exactly happened here.

I was struck by when you said “I know I’m not attractive or beautiful.” What do these words “attractive” and “beauitful” mean to you? They mean different things to different people. For example, I consider gray/white hair and a very skinny body in a man beautiful but not all men strive to look like this. Since you say you ‘know’ you are not these things, how did you find out this information? Did someone tell you, or did you infer this from previous situations or relationships? When was the earliest moment you remember ‘learning’ this? I’m stealing the last question from this post:

I also notice that you have a girlfriend, and yet you say you are “meant to be forever alone.” By the way, not all of us are so lucky…I am single, in contrast!🤣 Do you agree that there is some cognitive dissonance happening here, to claim being alone despite someone being romantically involved with you? I wonder, is there an assumption that your girlfriend will leave you? I believe this negative self-talk is contradicting what is happening to you in reality; therefore I believe it may be your own mind giving you a specific narrative that fits a “story” from your past. When my brain does this, it’s because it wants to avoid getting hurt the same way twice. So it keeps me safe by presenting a “movie” of past abandonments. For example I subconciously assume women I date will emotionally abuse me in similar ways to my sister, and I expect my sister’s behavior even though this person obviously isn’t her! I get so into this “movie” that I react to the past and can’t see the person I’m with. What do you think?

Thank you again for sharing this sensitive moment and hoping to hear from you soon.❤️

Dear Tara,

I hope you are doing better since then. I would like to share that, as a 23 year old, most of my friends from childhood live with their parents and they too are earning college degrees and working, so please know that your situation is not uncommon.

However, I agree with other posters that it seems incredibly intense and the scrutiny your parents demand is highly unusual and seems unfair to you. I am very sorry you have to deal with such intrusion.

Do you think it is worth discussing boundaries with them? How do you feel about other posters’ ideas to move out? Do you feel like you can continue living there and find some semblance of privacy?

I hope you have been doing well and sending positive, peaceful energy to you and your family!

Dear peace,

I think I can relate to your situation. I can’t stand being patient especially when it comes to relationships. I have had the feeling of finally showing my full self to someone, and then feeling betrayed as if they are abandoning me by focusing on something in their own life. I am a 23 year old male as well and I have had this happen with a previous relationship. He was focusing on college and no longer had time nor energy for me.

On the other hand, I also feel like I may understand her perspective. I recently “dropped” so much of my city life to move hours away to a farm to pursue new opportunities and challenge myself, as well as leaving behind many friends from art college. I reinvented myself and rediscovered my ethics, values, and personal religion. This process felt necessary to finding a new side of myself, as I believe we are relatively young and I believe the 20s are an important time to find who we are by ourselves. In the process, I hurt some of my then-close friends. I sometimes got cold and quiet because I did not want to face the reality; that I would miss them.

I bring no answers, only questions 🙂

1) Have you ever been in a position where you restructured your life and wanted to temporarily abstain from seeing your loved ones? If so, can this experience help you to understand her position now?

2) How would life be different if the relationship ends? How would life be different if it continues?

3) Can you identify what gifts the relationship gives you? (Confidence, security, purpose, etc?) Do you think it is possible to find these things within yourself?

Regardless I wish you strength and the knowledge that you are loved!

thanks,

stoutheartedmsn.w

Dear Tony, your poem really affected me! It sang with delight and brought me nearly to tears. The moments that particularly echoed for me was the purple mystical direction to “Focus your third eye upwards” and the bright line, “You are the glittering star of fun.”

I found it a wonderful reminder to collect my inner child and it brought beautiful images to me. Thank you so much for dedicating this to everyone and I am truly grateful for this poem!

Hi KP,

Thank you for sharing. I would like to say that I deeply resonate with your sentiments.

I too tend to have crushes on unattainable figures, including fictional characters or people I consider “out of my league.” My therapist explained that this distance provides me the ability to 100% love and project all my desires onto someone. If a love interest is forever out of reach, I get to imagine whatever I want about them. I don’t have to accept their humanity. But in reality, they are complex, imperfect, and have their own goals and desires; there is no human born to be my perfect match, unless they are obscured by my imagination.

I have recently joined dating sites (à grace de Anita; thanks again!) and in fact have found several interesting women near my age who have shown interest in me. However once we begin speaking (or even just match), I too seem to shut down and lose interest/attraction and feel tempted to deny them, even though I outwardly claim I am interested in the process of beginning a relationship.

Rather than advice, I bring these 2 questions:

1) What makes you want to enter into a relationship?

2) What is making you want to reject/deny these people?

I believe your insight can help others as well. Thanks again.