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Starsonthars

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  • January 28, 2014 at 12:34 am #49874
    Starsonthars
    Participant

    Hi Cathy,
    I must tell you I have been through a divorce after 23 years of marriage and I understand what your friend is going through as I was cheated on as well.
    Fully mourning the death of a marriage is necessary in order to move on and the only healthy thing one has to offer during that time is friendship.
    You deserve a fully healthy partner that is ready to partner with you.
    He really has to do a post-mortem on his marriage and that will take time and is emotionally exhausting.
    Possibly in the future he can be the healthy partner you deserve so you two can have the wonderful relationship you believe is available for you two, but if he can’t heal soundly from this negative life experience you will never know, as he will carry into your relationship with him, his past relationship with his ex-wife.
    I hope that your desire for a relationship with this man will transform into a desire for a healthy relationship with this man and that will be the thought that can anchor you in
    acceptance of the minimal friendship based relationship you have to have with him currently.
    I think if you can change the focus of your desire you can change a great deal and it will be much easier for you.
    I wish you and him the very best.
    You both deserve a wonderful life.
    Kindest regards,
    Janie B.

    January 28, 2014 at 12:15 am #49873
    Starsonthars
    Participant

    Hello Paul,
    I left my husband of 23 years 3 years ago and filed for divorce.
    The anguish and loss I felt was overwhelming and I often felt like I might actually die.
    I honestly cannot imagine what you must feel like after the death of a 40 year marriage.
    I joined a Divorce support group in my area ( Dallas, Texas) and found a great deal of support there.
    The two most important things I learned during these past 3 years have been “Be kind to yourself” – treat yourself as you would treat a friend going through your situation and “Advocate for your future self” – that is especially important if you are going through the legal issues involved in dissolving your marital estate.
    I no longer believe in the “soulmate” concept and have decided to be my own “soulmate”.
    While I realize I need connections with other people and I strive to forge deep friendships, I doubt I will be healed enough to engage in another long term relationship with a partner.
    My hope for you is that you are able to heal and learn what went astray in your marriage so you can rectify the behavior and make appropriate choices to lead you down a healthy path.
    I’m sending you healing thoughts of strength.
    Kindest regards,
    Janie B.

    January 28, 2014 at 12:01 am #49872
    Starsonthars
    Participant

    Hi Lea,
    I’ve been in your situation before and thought you might benefit from googling information about the Karpman Drama Triangle.
    There is an especially well written summary on a blog named “Kellivision” dated October 28, 2009.
    The post is called “The Drama Triangle: Victims, Rescuers and Persecutors”.
    That article would be a very good place to start learning about your role in your relationship with your Mother and how it mirrors itself in your relationship with your “friend”.
    My sincere wish for you is that you are able to step out of the triangle and leave behind all the negativity it can bring into your life.
    I send my best wishes and kindest regards your way.
    Janie B.

    January 27, 2014 at 11:34 pm #49869
    Starsonthars
    Participant

    Hello Jaime,
    I have no words of wisdom for you unfortunately, but I did want you to know you are not alone.
    I was married to a sociopath for 23 years and only escaped 3 years ago after his diagnosis.
    Your post and many of the replies brought me to tears.
    I’m trying to put my life back together and heal from living so long with someone so broken.
    Something that has helped me a great deal are the online lectures on Youtube about sociopathy and there may be some answers for you there.
    My heart goes out to you and everyone that has suffered by having these people in their lives.
    I actually don’t think of them as human, as I believe our ability to have empathy and compassion for all living things define us.
    I see them as monsters masquerading as human.
    I’m not sure I will ever heal from the 23 years I was with my ex-husband and it has definitely changed me.
    Somehow, someway, I want something good to come of it and I pursue that as a goal in my life.
    I’m sending you healing thoughts and strength.
    Kindest regards,
    Janie B.

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