Hi Anita,
Thank you for your perspective. It has been very spot on and you ask all the right questions that sometimes I don’t want to face or ask myself.

I think you are right in that if I see him out with another woman, or he gets a girlfriend, I would be pretty hurt (as I was that night when I saw him out with another girl). Not because he did anything wrong, but because yes I would be wondering well why not me? What does she have that I dont? I should’ve done a,b,c and THEN maybe he would’ve picked me. And obviously none of that is a positive or healthy thinking pattern. And this does stem from the core believe of not being “good enough”.
I’m still unclear at where the core belief stems from. I have a few theories at where it MAY have originated or began. If you’d like to read:

1) Childhood– I’m a very petite woman, and have always been smallest in all my classes and out of all my friends. This does bring me a lot of attention, but it also brings the idea that I can’t do things, or people assume I can’t because I’m smaller. I also was a tomboy as a child, hanging out always with all boys and my older brother. The idea that I always needed to prove myself and keep up and not show vulnerability or cry, has been an idea that was instilled in me at a young age (6-7). This was re-enforced by my parents praising me “shes so strong! she never cries! she’s so independent! she’s stronger than the boys!”

2) In middle school/highschool I didn’t feel like I was one of the “pretty girls” because I had that tomboy idea still in me…I was a competitive surfer, and have been surfing since I was 7. I didn’t like makeup or fashion like all the other girls liked, so I didn’t think guys would like me because I wasn’t into that stuff. I didn’t realize or feel like I was pretty and feminine until later in life. I thought the things girls liked were boring and at sleepovers I wanted to leave early so I could go surfing the next morning.

3) In college at 18, unfortunately my first sexual experience was a bad one. My best friends older brother (who had a girlfriend at the time) got me drunk and got me to do things I’d never done, even when I said “no this is wrong, we can’t do this” over and over). He made me believe if I told anyone that everyone would hate me and lives would be ruined. This experience was deeply difficult for me and caused many trust issues and relationship problems for years after around sex and men. as well as conflict with my best friend. I was very hurt by this because it confused me why this man who claimed to love his gf wanted to do this with me/seemed to like me, yet still wanted to be with his gf and didn’t want me as his gf. Why would he do this, knowing I’d never had sex before, why did he pick me?  It took years to process this experience and the pain and anger that came with it–It wasn’t until therapy and a caring ex boyfriend who made me realize this was actually considered a type of “date rape” and emotional abuse with the threats that I couldn’t tell anyone and everyone would hate me if I told.

4) As far as parents go, my dad was an alcoholic with a loud/intimidating voice/anger issues. My mom was emotionally closed off, and unhappy with their marriage. I’ve come to realize she struggled with setting her own boundaries and standing up for herself. They divorced when I was 7. He once drove me home when he was really drunk when I was 13. He was a good dad in many ways, but quite a few issues. We have a good relationship, but I too struggle with boundaries with him as well.

Obviously after #3 happened, I had so any walls and defenses up. I didn’t want to get close to ANYONE and felt very lonely in my life. And I caused pain/confusion in guys that did show interest. I was confused and just extremely hurt inside and hadn’t dealt with any of it. No guy was really patient enough to try and understand what was going on inside me (understandable)… but eventually therapy and my first real boyfriend helped me see.

I’m at a point where I’ve done a lot of internal work, mostly through yoga, vulnerability practice, some therapy, and just focusing on the things that make me happiest. But after recent encounters with this new guy, it’s made me see I have more work to do. I’m not sure how else to work on my own self-worth. I just got my yoga teacher training certificate which is VERY exciting to me, and I’ll be going on yoga retreats/meeting new people in the coming year and just continuing the inner work.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

Hello Anita,

So something that happened and is bound to happen much more as time goes on…. he actually practices yoga at the studio that I practice at (neighborhood studio, since we live in the same neighborhood naturally its happened this way). I’ve seen him there a few times recently, and the last two times he came and sat with me after class– just talking about yoga or asking how I’ve been, etc. Theres always a lot of people around and sometimes other friends of mine, so it feels like a very inappropriate setting/time to bring up what happened so long ago.

It’s a little confusing for myself personally because when he sits with me and we talk, I’m completely content and happy to just be friends and I don’t actually feel mad in that moment at all (I completely forget about it) And it just seems SO dumb to be hanging on to these words he said so long ago and say something like “oh by the way I was mad when you said this even though it was months ago” … especially when I’m not even that mad at HIM. You know? I’m just mad at ME for not clarifying intentions earlier on, and I don’t know if he needs to know that or if it’s worth sharing that information. I also don’t even know how I would– I don’t feel close enough with him to call him up. I just feel torn and when I say why I’m upset out loud, i just feel like “really thats it?? that happened so long ago why would i be hanging onto something so in the past??”

It’s clear we are just friends, and things would never be physical again. Personally I’m a fan of how things are– the fact that I now only see him in a healthy safe setting such as a yoga class, as opposed to out at a bar with alcohol involved, feels really nice and safe to me, especially now that there is no sexual pressure anymore. And I’m still trying to figure myself out after my last break up and dating again and what I want. Maybe it’s a good thing this is happening and I have this setting/space to see him in.

Thank you Anita for your wisdom. I believe the time will come to talk with him. Especially since I see him so often around town, and I happen to hang out with the same crowd as well, and I’m just certain in time we will reconnect. When we do, I will let him know. Seems like he wants to be friends or at least keep some connection with me, and if thats the case he should know my feelings. Thank you for asking me the right questions and telling your observations. Really its helping me accept the situation as it is and move forward with my healing and own self-love and growth.

Thank you Anita for all your advice. You are very objective, clear, and honest which I really appreciate.

I’m wondering if their are deeper issues here with this guy… he is 37 years old, has only had one “real” relationship and it was “toxic”. My friends often see him out at bars or around town, and he’s usually alone or with guy friends, with the exception of the time I saw him with a woman that seemed like a possible date.

He lost his father to drugs when he was a baby, grew up with a step father basically. Perhaps he struggles with his own deeper insecurities or pain from past experiences.

Maybe it’s my ego, but I wish he saw me as desirable enough to change his ways haha. I know that’s obviously unrealistic, but it’s a fantasy I have. I really need to accept his lifestyle and move past this idea that he would come after me and want to commit.

Something else I’ll need to work on is getting past the anger.. perhaps I’m angry at myself for not communicating more clearly early on in our encounters. But when I see him in person (which is actually quite often as we live in the same neighborhood) I struggle with wanting to ignore him and play it off as I don’t care about what happened, versus wanting to give him a lot of attention and ask how he is, etc. It’s in my nature to be so friendly and bubbly and talkative to people I like. But when I have this tinge of pain/anger I feel like I shouldn’t give him any attention or energy… even though realistically he did nothing wrong. Maybe having this time apart will help me heal and I’ll be able to see him as a friendly acquaintance around town but nothing more… and perhaps soon I’ll meet someone more in line with my values.

I also wonder how you say “on a pause” and “on a break”.  I’m not able to hook up with this guy again unless he showed me that hes interested in dating me in a real way. Which I don’t feel will ever happen– even though I’d hope it would because I do think we could learn a lot from each other and it could work, or would at least be worth a chance.

So I’m not sure i could say we are on pause. I feel like it’s ended for good, unless he wanted to give me a chance. But again, even he said don’t wait. It’s just hard to let go of the idea of it working out when I see him around somewhat often in real life, and hes replying to my social media. I just wish I could move on from the idea of it working out (because I know it’s not going to)

That is a great point Anita. Small things are just as important as larger issues. I guess it just scares me thinking that someone I love could be nothing as they seem. It makes me fear trusting the people I’m close to. As in this woman’s story, she was so happy and trusted the man she married, only to find out some terrible things. I wish I could trust better, as the people in my life deserve it since I’ve never had any reason to not trust anyone, but hearing this story just makes me irrationally suspicious. Thanks for your insights!

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your advice!
I made a BIG decision today and am so proud of myself, that I have to share.
I FINALLY kicked my roommate out of my apartment (as I hold the lease and have the power). This person was making me so upset and irritated living in my own home, no peace at all, that I was actually considering MOVING out and running away from life.

Instead of pulling my boyfriend into my mess, and forcing us to move in together in order to hope for a better living situation, I set him aside and focused on my own health and decisions, independently of him. And IM SO HAPPY.
Now, I can find a new roommate, someone much more mindful, and I dont have to move away, or ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. And we can have more time to consider moving in together and work on our relationship with ourselves and eachother.
It was such a hard thing for me to do, as it involves so much confrontation and conflict and honesty. But in the end, I feel elated, and my now ex-roommate actually feels excited to move in with people he meshes better with. Win-win!

So now, after all of this, I can finally see clearly about how I feel living here. Was it just the terrible living situation causing me to long for home? Or do I really not like the area up here? I feel that this new living situation will inspire a completely new outlook and perspective on life here, and I can’t wait for my new peaceful space! I think everything in my life will only get better now that my own home is a pleasant space to be in.

Hi Anita, thank you for responding.
There just might be a third option that makes me very happy too….
The third option is that my love and I try to find a place together to see if things work out that way!

If I moved home, I’d have to live with my mom and her boyfriend. They are nice and everything….but I KNOW after a week I’d want to get out of there. I am a very independent person and love living freely of my parents and exploring life on my own! Although I love the location my mom lives in, I just feel I’d become sad and bored and wondering why I didn’t try to make things work with my love…

The problem I guess now is asking him. I’ve put him through so much shit going back and forth trying to decide what I want and what I should do. We’ve broken up, gotten back together, broken up again and its all because I don’t know what I want.
Except I DO know that I love being with him and would want to try and make it work. I can always go home if it doesnt work out, and at least then I would know, right???

What do you think?