Thank you, Anita for your thoughtful response and for caring about me. I don’t mind a longer reply, though. I just will get back to it after work tomorrow night. These posts have been the only thing really getting me through this breakup, so I appreciate any level of response from anyone willing to chime in. Hope you have a good night.

Hi Helcat

Sorry for the late response, I have been feeling sick lately and had to leave work early yesterday because of it, something I haven’t done since I had COVID two years ago. I feel like my body is just really not handling anything well lately. As you’ll see from my reply, I think I’m regressing even further ever time I check-in here.

“I feel like this is a common theme in your life, a lot of people are unable to support you in your life because of their own personal issues. It’s really hard when there are so many people that let you down this way in your life. It’s understandable, but it’s also really hard for you who has to deal with a chronic lack of support from friends and family.” — I feel like this makes sense and I see it too because I feel horribly alone despite living with 5 people. I’ve also noticed that my friends who I used to go on girl’s trips with have stopped inviting me with them, and one of my friends even called me to ask me to catsit for her while they went on the week trip recently. I was offended by this because she lives an hour away from me and I have two jobs – how was I supposed to take a week off to do that for her? Also, why wasn’t I even invited? It has been hard to see them post photos in another state having a really good time while I’m stuck without a car and throwing up and crying over this person. I know this is very woe is me.  I just feel really disconnected from everyone and this is the very reason why I reached out and met my ex last year at this time. It feels so unnatural. It’s hard to not feel like I am the common denominator here and that I am the problem.

I still haven’t been able to unfollow him. I am just beginning to feel like my boundary wasn’t worth any of this. It’s like I learned I needed to start setting boundaries but I went too far on the other end out of fear of losing myself again. I feel like losing him was just not worth this pain and loss. I know you say that I need to stop blaming myself but I wish I handled this situation better and in a less reactive state. I didn’t come at him screaming but I came at him as if this was IT and we had nowhere to go from here because I was very stressed and anxious about him giving other women attention. I told him he crossed my boundary and I didn’t know what else to say because it was true in that moment, I saw what he wanted to do when left to his own devices and him changing his behavior would have just felt like him restraining himself against his will. I even told him that. I wish I would have approached him more calmly and told him that it hurt my feelings. Again, though, I have extreme jealousy issues that I don’t think I can remedy at this point. This whole social media jealousy wound I have started in 2018 with my abusive ex and it’s never gotten better.

I went back through our first couple of months of dating texts the other night (my current ex) and he was SO receptive to reassuring my anxieties. He told me he’d never leave me out of nowhere and that he always wanted me to tell him anything that was bothering me. He told me that he would never hide weird kinks from me and that he was into some weird stuff but not like the stuff I found on my ex… and he reassured me he would be open with me about stuff. He told me he knew he had to earn my trust and respect. I think he lost respect for me once things got comfortable and he lost his butterflies/the need for the chase. He’s never been in a serious relationship so maybe that calmness from things actually being healthy and normal made him start feeling like something was wrong and he got bored? Or maybe my check-ins made him start getting bored and anxious. I feel awful at the fact that I deteriorated his mental health. I realize we have to learn lessons with each relationship but I feel like I really fumbled this one. Since I was his first serious girlfriend, he probably can brush this one off, but I have been been through enough relationships to know that this one was really different and special. It kills me to think that I may have messed up what was meant to work out for me.

I’m hearing what you are saying. I just feel really bad about still basically being stuck in the denial stage of this grief. I can’t even wrap my head around it still.

Hi Helcat

I know you’re right, I need to unfollow him. I know I won’t ever hear from him again after this. There is also a part of me that worries that if I DON’T unfollow him or do something obviously drastic, he’ll go ahead and do it before me, or he will just further see me as desperate/easily played. This is yet another move that involves worrying about him and not what’s best for me. I know I can’t deal with seeing his content anymore, but also seeing him out regularly with the person he could have lost feelings for me over is showing me how he really feels about me. People say that you don’t need to see that stuff but I think I’m so ridiculous that I need concrete evidence or something because I don’t trust myself. Him ghosting me kind of already proves that he can’t show up for me, but I’ve been telling myself that he just doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore. And yes, him out with this coworker hurts especially more knowing how much more in common they have than we did. I guess… good for him. It also hurts knowing this person has apparently awakened a part inside him that was too afraid to post on social media before. He used to say I inspired him. I do see that he came into this relationship with his own problems already. All I can acknowledge is he has poor communication skills and seems to take the easiest route to every situation.

Also, are you saying that you feel my friend taking a month break from me shows they are not really being a good friend, despite them needing to take care of themselves? I’m just asking because it’s hard for me to accept that two things can be true. Are you saying it’s okay to be hurt that my friend couldn’t show up for me during this time, but I also acknowledge her need to take care of herself?

I think I’ve mentioned it here already but his ex f***boy past always had him feeling a lot of shame about how he had treated women in the past, so he was always trying to prove to himself and everyone else that he was a better person now. I saw a lot of times where he seemed genuinely invested in uplifting women – not in a creepy way at all. Anytime we had these discussions, he’d have even better arguments than I did on the subject and I was always impressed and proud to call him my boyfriend because of this stuff. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he knows when he can turn it on and off to his own advantage and lie about his intentions. It’s too confusing to know regardless, and I hope I never come across such confusion in a partner again. My trust issues are off the charts now.

“I don’t like how he suggested that you made him act like this in an effort to cancel him. He directly blamed you and refused to take responsibility for his own actions.” – He initially took accountability for his actions by saying, “you’re right. I f***ed up.” He apologized to me with no resistance. But then minutes later, he said, “I just feel like you’re always looking for the damning evidence to prove that I’m a bad guy and this was your “haha got you!” moment, like you manifested it.” So that’s what I meant by him claiming I “cancelled” him. I felt that was what he was saying anyway. It’s hard for me because he did take responsibility but then kind of had to throw that other stuff in after it to confuse me. I also agree that for me to feel the need to go through his social media was a big issue. I told myself at the beginning of this relationship that what was meant to come to light to me would be revealed to me with no effort. I guess him sending that video with the female voice at almost midnight the night before our big weekend date was that horrible sign. But I STILL do not feel like my boundary was fair, and I do feel like I overreacted. I hate how sick to my stomach just one “like” makes me feel. I hate social media because of this. But you have a good point that him expressing finding that Tinder match still attractive and being jealous of her really didn’t help his case of things being totally meaningless to him.

“Please don’t compare yourself to others, it’s harmful. You are a uniquely beautiful person.” – thank you. I feel so bad that I’m wasting so much of my life feeling otherwise.

I do think this relationship was a step in a better direction. We both set our standards and expectations early on with no issues, it felt so mature. There was no vagueness, no situationship, no hiding labels. He was so proud to show me off. It’s a shame that I now have more trust issues than I did before. He seemed so incredibly sincere.

Hi Helcat

Thank you for both of your thoughtful replies and your suggestions. Since I last posted here, my ex posted a story on October 1st with the Tik Tok star coworker where they visited a local “haunted” asylum. Also, the same pinball machine museum he took me to back in July. I saw on the coworker’s story that they also tagged him, thanking him for taking awesome photos of them for content. I thought this was really hypocritical considering my ex told me on numerous occasions how must he detested people obsessed with posting themselves for vanity and he even thanked me for not being one of those girlfriends who made him take a ton of photos of them for their social media while on dates. The next weekend, the coworker posted several stories of them out at the same science center that my ex and I had visited back in February. We had SUCH a good time there and we often talked about going back as soon as we got the chance. What’s weird is this science center is in my state – not his. They had to travel to my state to visit it. I’m just hurt he can even cross the state border without hurting, let alone revisit these locations we bonded at so recently. I also was scrolling Instagram the other night and saw that he had liked a reel of someone joking saying that they only sleep with people who make them feel like they aren’t good enough. I’ve heard it takes a year to get over a relationship that lasted a year. I’m feeling like this one is gonna take even longer. I think he is getting an incredible high from having social media recognition and in real life attention from someone with 55K followers. Not only that – I learned they have a quick feature in the latest Spider-Man: No Way Home film. No joke, I had to confirm it. I creeped so far back on their profile to see that they can juggle, do sword stunts, play instruments and sing. Pretty much a jack of all trades of entertainment and talent. This rabbit hole I went down was indeed self-sabotage, I’m aware. It’s just very hard for me to accept that I was replaced so swiftly with someone more “impressive” than me. The whole year I dated him, he was so impressed and supportive and seemingly obsessed with MY jobs, MY interests, MY talents. Up until the end, I think anyway. I think it’s reasonable to believe that most people want their significant other to be interested and enthusiastic about their interests, talents, career, etc. But I acknowledge that I allow him to dictate my entire worth about these things and that’s my problem. I kind of worried this whole relationship that he was just dating me because I was there and it was something to stave off his loneliness. Once I filled my purpose to him, he dropped me. Maybe, these are just my theories that are probably rooted in a lot of projection. This is my biggest source of pain right now. My heart is so incredibly heavy with hurt from him with this coworker, even as friends. I can’t figure out how to NOT take someone replacing you personally. It feels so personal.

Also, thank you for saying that I’m allowed to have my feelings and to mourn at my own pace. My friend who has taken a month away from me came back to me over the weekend to check in and she admitted she had to take a month away from me because I was triggering to her own journey. I can understand and respect her need for space and her boundaries, but it was still hurtful to know that I do this to everyone in my life to the point to where they need actual space from me. It’s hard for me to not have another or more positive narrative.

Thank you also for validating my feelings about my ex liking the photos of his old flame/the one that got away. It’s hard for me to have strong boundaries as you know, but it’s even harder when I don’t want to keep someone from being able to have friends. You asked if I pressed him on the matter, and I think that I did… to the best of my ability in that moment.

I basically asked:

1. “Why do you feel the need to go that extra mile and like these types of photos?”

2. “Is there a part of you while liking these photos that hopes she’s gonna take notice?”

3. “You do realize that posting these types of photos is to elicit a sexual response or a certain type of response from people, and that by liking these suggestive photos is you validating that for them?”

4. “Why do you feel the need to give them this kind of attention?”

5. “Can you imagine if I were to start liking gym thirst traps of attractive, muscular men? Since I’ve been dating you, you can go back through my profile and specifically see where I stopped posting sexy photos of myself out of respect for you. But that’s just me and how I do things. I don’t need that validation and attention from other people anymore now that I have it from you.”

His answer to all of these things were him basically trying to say that he was just trying to support his friends/uplift women. “I guess I want to give the attention they are asking for.” Also that he admitted he had wandering eyes but that I had also manifested this to cancel him. I do worry a lot that I may have mishandled how I pressed him and I messed something up. It haunts me because I can’t help but feel like I made him think he had no other option but to throw in the towel right there.

I want to believe that I have a healthy understanding of boundaries and self-awareness like you say. My exes have only made me feel that I was not fair and controlling over them.

Hi, Anita

I wanted to start off by sharing something interesting that happened to me at work yesterday. I came into work crying as I have for basically this whole month of the breakup. Constantly ruminating as usual but had cleaned myself up trying to be presentable. One of my coworkers came into the room and needed me to help her locate some books and prizes for an upcoming event. So I showed her where things were in our storage closet and gave her some suggestions. She stayed in the closet for a good 30 minutes while I sat back down at my desk trying to refocus, with no success. As she was leaving, I told her I hoped she had found some good items to take with her. She turned around and looked at me with several things in her arms and said, “I did. These will work well. Thank you for always being so sweet and… capable.” I thanked her and she walked out of the room only for me to not even register what she had said until seconds later. The way she delivered that line, I cannot even describe how eerie that was in person. She paused in that sentence and you could tell she was searching for what to say after calling me sweet. The thoughtful pause before that “capable” delivery sent chills down my spine and I burst right back out into tears. I had to go to the bathroom and gather myself. I thought of what you and I have been discussing with this “capable woman” theme lately. I still do not understand what possessed her to say that to me because for one, I hardly ever even see her and she doesn’t see my daily work effort. Also, what I helped her with was hardly difficult. For it to be that on the nose made me feel like there was some reason for it. There had to be. I’ve told no one about this yet and I say that because I’m usually inclined to immediately share everything that happens to me with my sister or mom for reassurance or validation. I know they’d appreciate this story and believe it meant something for me, they are both very spiritual. But I also know that if I tell them this, they will then try to tell me that this was my sign I need to move on now and get frustrated with me for not. They keep dying for me to, anyway. I would rather this be something between you and I because I feel that at least for now, it confirms that what I’m doing RIGHT NOW by posting here is meant to be happening. Also, that I appreciate this forum and your perspective. I am so happy to hear that your experience posting here and with me has been helping you too.

Your scenario of me moving out but still struggling internally makes a lot of sense, it’s like that saying, “wherever you go, there you are.” I am very fearful of never shaking the guilt of distancing myself physically from my mother and my sister. But you have moved through it and it’s inspiring. I do miss having the voice of objective empathy from my old counseling sessions too, indeed it is so refreshing. I think I found that voice in my ex because he was curious about how I think and feel, and encouraged me to always be transparent with him about anything bothering me. He’d say, “I want you to feel comfortable coming to me, I want you to not feel scared and I want to always be there for you to work through things.” The switch up from what he claimed has been SHOCKING to say the least. Still haven’t heard from him in over two weeks, no change from the last time I’ve posted here. He told me early on in our relationship when he was admitting to struggling with commitment and trust issues from being cheated on recently (at the time) by his ex that he had a hero complex and was frustrated with himself for it. I am beginning to wonder if he had tried to “save” me in a way too and saw that he bit off way more than he could or was willing to chew anymore with me.

Hearing what your mother put you through physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc. is absolutely horrible. The lack of accountability for her abusiveness wasn’t yours to hold and I am so glad you are and have been working away from it to heal. I know your decision to continue your distance from her recently was not an easy one and it’s good you had the self-respect and self assurance to know what was right for you, despite your sister’s stance. I think I am beginning to see that my sister’s experience doesn’t have to be my own, because it’s not! We had and continue to have entirely different experiences with our mom, despite sharing so many of the same. And yes, I suppose living with them is only keeping me enmeshed. My car is still in the shop and I’ve had to be driven to work all week by my mother (she won’t let me drive her car). The experience has been demeaning and not at all helpful for feeling like a capable woman… lol. As you can see from my my most recent post to Helcat, I’m a basket case right now. I think my lack of independence with my car issues is partly the reason why I feel like I’ve sunken even lower this week emotionally.

Hi, Anita

Yes, it’s true that my mom and sister are struggling so much with their own issues that they are just incapable of giving me the energy and patience I need. I kind of feel like I’m not able to be a present daughter either right now, I’m struggling with my own issues. You hit the nail on the head with how I feel about Christmas, thank you for putting words to my scrambled feelings about that. It’s such an empty feeling. Maybe someday I can give someone a more healed version of myself. I know I have to take responsibility for how this all has affected how I show up in relationships and yet also be able to stand up for myself. It’s a very hard balance for me.

Also no, there is no public transportation in my town other than a van. It’s not as sketchy as it sounds but it does not travel out to the woods where I live. Also, thank you. I have the game plan of what will help make me feel like a capable woman, but shorter term goals need to happen and I need to see value in myself right now too. If you don’t mind me asking, but did your work in therapy help build your self-worth and self-trust? I say that because you mentioned earlier in one of your posts that even after you moved out and met your external goals, that you still struggled with negative feelings. I know I have to feel good with myself while I work towards those long term goals and it just feels impossible to go 30-ish years feeling so insignificant and like a burden to suddenly loving myself. It’s the biggest void I’m trying to fill.

Hi, Helcat

Thank you for your encouragement and understanding. And yes, the whole reason why I even went on a dating app was because I was tired of being so lonely and not having anyone in my corner or with my same interests. All my friends are married or living with others, and I am almost 32 and absolutely tired of spending all my days with my family and having no privacy and no real life of my own. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I was so excited to carve out my own life with him. Not just because he provided me with safety and acceptance but because we clicked so well and were on the same page about so many things. I think over time though, he saw he wasn’t on the same page with me about some things and just didn’t know how to admit it to himself. Maybe. He was so unique to me with his perspective on life and his sense of humor and his curiosity about stuff, constantly wanting to learn, being understanding to other perspectives without anger, etc. that really attracted me to him. He loved animals and critters so much, he was so gentle with all animals. It is a nice sentiment to believe that maybe all those things I liked in him were attracted to me because I exude those things too. I hope you’re right. I thought he WAS that person I needed to be around because he seemed to embrace every part of me and celebrate me. I miss having my person, the only person I could turn to and wanted to turn to. I had to take away everything he bought me and all of our shared experience items and box it all up and put it in the basement. I just cannot believe how little I ended up actually meaning to him, and I can’t believe how badly I misinterpreted things by my own expectations. I know I keep saying it but I REALLY cannot believe him. He seemed to adore me. And I still don’t trust that my boundary about liking photos was even warranted. I know that I can’t even begin to move forward until I feel that my trust being broken was even real. I feel like I overreacted. But he’s not doing anything to try to talk it out. I don’t know.

And yes, the banana thing really makes sense to me because I can eat a banana once in a blue moon with no issues, but most of the time a banana is a total no-go for me. I do notice the ultra ripe ones do better for me too. It’s just mostly best for me to avoid fruit smoothies nowadays since most seem to do a number on my throat. Since I switched out my medication, my throat has been doing very poorly with the foods I usually can halfway tolerate. I’m not sure if it’s just the medication, or a lot more to do with my constant crying and anxiety over this breakup.

I appreciate your words of encouragement and your faith in me to rise above this like I always have, but I’m genuinely worried I won’t. I never really have ever healed abandonment wounds and feelings of unworthiness after a breakup. I just keep adding baggage and trust issues with new men. But I also know that with this defeatist attitude, I’m disserving myself badly. It’s like I see what’s wrong, but my habits are so strong and my negative thinking is so automatic that I cannot even begin to believe something good about myself. When I was in counseling, we tried to rewire my brain to start believing the good stuff. I know I have to somehow convince myself. It’s just so incredibly hard when I keep being dumped over my issues and insecurities.

Hi Anita,

I read your response on break yesterday at work and started crying because of how validating it was. Thank you for summarizing my disordered thoughts and feelings so well. That’s exactly it, it boils down to me seeking out men like this because they solve this part of me that needs to feel like a woman. Once they have me and then discard me, I’m left feeling like I wasn’t woman enough for them and that I was a child they didn’t take seriously. I’m still in complete shock that my ex lied to me about even wanting to stay in contact. I looked up the stages of grief and apparently I’m still at square one – just complete denial and inability to accept what’s happened. Today, the 22nd is also the anniversary of the first day we met in person. It’s just really hard for me and I apologize for beating a dead horse.

I say all this to say that I’m realizing that all of these goals I need to conquer for myself will be impossible until I can feel that I value my boundaries and worth more than I value him/his opinion. It’s discouraging to know that half of my suffering is due to my own insecure narrative coming up trying to find closure. It’s this half of me hurting so much that he doesn’t even know about that has nothing to do with him – if he’s even considered how he affected me once yet. It’s also discouraging to know that if I don’t rectify these things in myself, my grief and pain will be for nothing and bleed out onto the next person if they ever come along. I will look for him in everyone else, and I will tell myself again that I was able to entertain and attract someone of high value but that once I show them love, the chase is over for them and they get bored and turned off by the REAL me.

And you’re right – my mom doesn’t really try to connect with me at home anyway. I guess the same could be said for me, I feel guilty for going to my bedroom when I get home. But the only connection I want is to be heard by her and I don’t see it. I think my mom and I would have a better relationship with each other if I were happier and if she were happier. She’s been so annoyed and disappointed in me for how slowly I’m taking this breakup. She needs me to be okay so she can feel okay, and sadly I see myself in that. The enmeshment you mentioned playing out right there. I definitely don’t have the money to move out still but I’m hoping to get there. I have two part time jobs and they just aren’t cutting it, especially with no health insurance. My medical bills and medication are a problem, on top of constant car repair bills. There are talks of me hopefully getting full time at one of my jobs after December if their budget allows it and I can get health insurance then. This would change my life and maybe I could save over the span of the next year and finally get myself out of this hole. If not, I will have to leave the job. I had hoped to move out on my own before I ever moved in with my ex. I wish that he had recognized that I wasn’t trying to push him. I wasn’t ready for THAT either. But I definitely still feel the loss of the emotional support from him and his family. I guess I did hope to carve out my own path and growth with their attention and emotional support. I wanted to be validated by people who were seemingly emotionally regulated/healthy. To be chosen by people like him felt like I was doing something right and I wasn’t a failure. And yes, I’m hoping to find a routine outside of this house and also without my sister. She gets hurt if I don’t include her in my plans by myself.