Thank you for understanding, Valora.

Yes, thanks, Anita.

Hi Anita and Shuying, thanks for your replies.

Anita: By personality, I mean I wish I don’t find it so difficult to ask for introductions, cold-call someone and tell them I’m available to work, and such. Outside world: Now that I’m no longer in a familiar environment, would I still be the same inhibited, reluctant person or would I throw inhibition away and go about asking people for help, leads for work/projects, which I don’t usually do. I’m afraid of rejection because it makes me feel hopeless immediately. Karma, law of attraction: I can only say this much that I hope the LoA works. I try to keep a positive visualisation in mind ever since I began exploring it. Karma, well, I haven’t really read much about it, nothing serious or philosophical at any rate, but this point I mentioned above, in that context, it does seem reasonable if you equate karma with a pattern of behaviour.

Shuying: I wish I could be so optimistic. My inner voice, I really don’t know what it’s saying. It’s scolding me, telling me I’m giving up before I begin. I feel like I haven’t got too many lucky breaks and I could use some to feel I’m being looked after. I struggle for every little thing – what should I say, how should I counter this, how should I justify this – so much so that I feel I have neither intelligence nor judgment left.

What I really want – to never regret this decision I’ve taken. To find life full of things to do, and to be peaceful and content doing it, to not let life snub me. I left this job because it felt like it was taking over my life, and I didn’t even like it, and I just needed to escape. It was making me diffident about skills I was once confident of. I did not leave with any plan or bigger goal, except to relax and do things at my own pace, and the redundancy settlement is a silver lining of giving up the job I had. It is a modest amount but I am not unhappy. Now I am worried about taking it easy, wondering if I’ll count for anything professionally in the future. I am very clear that I don’t want to retire from work, just take it slower. Opt for part-time and projects rather than full time.

I am leaving the workplace on a good note. I will miss it, the ambience, the banter. Just not the work.

I do have farewell ideas 🙂

Thank you, Anita, for responding, and your correct interpretation of my situation.  About a month ago, I was actually quite looking forward to the free time, the search for a project/ part-time gig and all that – I even surprised myself by feeling that way, because I’m not optimistic by nature or someone who enjoys challenges. But I don’t know why, it doesn’t excite me now. All I can think is, how will I live the rest of my life without something solid to do? And if every assignment I seek ends in failure?

I understand why you said I should have a daily routine, but I feel it isn’t enough. I need to be doing something external – like work for someone or get published, be useful – to feel worth it.

It may be jitters, but I fear I may come up against walls. I was telling myself I would travel a bit but the thought doesn’t excite me now. I feel I should be looking for something to do, not enjoying myself, and that every day spent in pleasure/relaxation will drive me further away from a productive life.

Hi Anita,

Writing first, and rewriting. I have no firm plans, except vague plans to pursue #1 as a larger life goal and write about subjects I always wanted to but could not (as I had to be mindful of my primary work demands)  and #2 to make some money, to get by and keep myself occupied. Here again, I have no committed offers. I just plan to take some time off and see what the market is like. Long journey ahead for which I don’t know if I have the patience and the strength to weather disappointments.

Isra, thanks a lot for your reply. It is reassuring.

Regards,

Sra