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Spry_Ry

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  • Spry_Ry
    Participant

    No need to analyze, Anita. I can see any trust has been broken. I am sorry for seeming to waste your time. I know your mind is made up no matter what I say here. All I can say is that everything I’ve written here is true.

    I will no longer utilize the Tiny Buddha forum.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    This may speak more to me about the type of woman I seem to attract? I don’t know…

    The ex with the son was very empathic but also suffered from an abusive father, which she blamed on the uncontrollable angry outburst. The nurse seems to have a lovely relationship with her parents, but does also suffer from depression as my ex with the son does. Both deal with self-esteem issues and a deep longing for real companionship.

    I am sorry if it came across as I was writing a story here. I can assure you that I would not waste your time or the time of the other contributors as well. Ā This current post may be a bit of rinse and repeat as TeaK pointed out, so I can understand your suspicions.

    I write here to journal in a sense, and now that I’ve written, I can see that I put myself in a similar situation again. My apologies if it came across as though I were writing about the same person. Your identification of this has me a bit shaken, as it was something I did not realize.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    Hmmm… I can see how you would be skeptical, but I only insert copies of their text messages her for a bit of context. I try to give their side of my interpretation of our relationship, and felt that including snippets from our conversations may be helpful.Ā However, now that you’ve summarized them into a post, I can see how they read like they could have been authored by the same individual.

    I can assure you that I am not writing a book and my posts here are genuine. Though it is a bit mind blowing to me seeing how similar to each other they read.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Oh, TeaK, that is spot on!

    So it seems to me there is an inflated, superior sense of self, and an inferior, self-deprecating sense of self, both living in you simultaneously.

    To answer your question, I don’t really know if I value myself. I feel that I can be a very good friend–which is what I should have aimed for in this relationship–but also understand that a relationship with me can be emotionally painful.Ā It feels so egocentric to believe my presence in her life was a positive while the disillusionment of our relationship will cut her so. I know she’s angry, as she lashed out yesterday: “I canā€™t believe I wasted all this time.” I know that is anger and sadness in her reply rather than logic.

    I think a part of the dichotomy comes from feeling like I can be a positive influence in someone’s life, but knowing I’m incapable of giving them what they may need. In this case, it was safety, security, and kindness. However, I was unwilling or unable to give her love (or at least the type of love she wanted). I can chalk it up to that risk in any relationship, but I wonder how things may have been different had I been honest with her from the start? Based on past experiences, I believed that she would have still developed romantic feelings, or pushed for them in an attempt to hang onto me.

    As before, I do hope that she and I can eventually find a friendship. She is a very good person and one I value, and I know she feels the same about me. While I know once I share with her tonight that I’m relocating for work, she will react as she stated. Perhaps in time, we can have some semblance of a friendship.

    I appreciate you responding here, TeaK. It helps me to flesh out my thoughts rather than continue to ruminate on them.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Hello TeaK,

    Thank you for taking the time to reply…

    Yes, I agree that is a similar-type relationship. However, I don’t feel the guilt/shame of the demise of the relationship this time. I do feel that I’m “worthy” of being loved and praised.Ā To me, part of my stress is that I again do not feel the same way about the girl as she does for me. Perhaps this is normality in relationships, but there is a frustration in me from never quite feeling that way about another. And I tend to attract those who have suffered from bad relationships in the past.

    As I’ve written before, I beat myself up when I hurt people close to me. I’ve worked quite a bit with my counselor on being more vulnerable this past year, which I incorporated into this relationship (to an extent).Ā I do feel that I could/should have been more truthful from the start, I wasn’t sure how this relationship would progress. I would certainly feel shame if I encouraged her to accompany me on my relocation while knowing that isn’t what truly want. So, I will not give her that option.

    The disillusionment of this relationship will be painful for her, which brings me no pleasure. I know that I was different from others she’s dated in the past, and that she wants to cling to those feelings of safety and security. I’ve tried to placate myself by thinking that I’ve shown her a bit of what’s possible so she’s better prepared for someone better in the future; however, I know that I’ll leave a scar that will take time to heal. Guess every relationship leaves its marks?

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Hello,

    I haven’t written here in some time and thought it time to again…

    With COVID still a major issue in the US (as it is in most of the world), I am still living here in Appalachia and have not yet had to make the move to the new job. However, as things are beginning to normalize in the corporate and government worlds, the move will happen by the end of the year.

    The job, while less monotonous and and a less overwhelming workload than my former job, it’s still largely an “administrative job.” Meaning it’s just a lot of managing different programs via emails and system software. While it certainly doesn’t provide much “meaning,” it is within an agency that does provide for the betterment of humanity, so at least there is the possibility of moving into a more meaningful role. Or, as my counselor has said, perhaps I need to find meaning and a sense of purpose outside of work through volunteering or a similar avenue.

    For the yang to my yin, I met someone back in May. Actually, we had connected via a dating app in the autumn of 2020 but only rarely chatted. She is, and was then, working both as a nurse and an instructor and had little time for socializing. We finally went out in May one her teaching gig ended for the summer, and have spent most weekends together since.

    Where I selfishly erred was not telling her from the start that I would be leaving.

    I tried to justify it by telling myself that I was going to be leaving and it wouldn’t be a long relationship. But the weeks turned into months and here we are.

    Things had been casual in a sense–we were not dating other people and didn’t talk too much about the future. Even that sounds like a copout. We spend nearly every weekend together and had gone away on a road trip on Independence Day weekend. I did things that people do in relationships: Bought her gifts, helped her work on her home, dinners, drinks, etc.

    There were many opportunities to tell her I would not be staying but I allowed fear to stop me. I was “waiting for the right time” or telling myself the opportunity would present itself. My plan was to wait until the fiscal year (Oct 1) and tell her I had been given the job offer since the agency would be hiring with the start of new funding. (Thought it would hurt less than to tell her I’d been working for the agency since we’d first gone out.)

    Things had become more serious for her in recent weeks. She asked me two weeks ago to tell her if I ever wanted to end things, then to tell her and not just ghost her. (While I know only snippets, she has had some bad relationships in the past. She is also a divorcee like me.) On Saturday night, we were out for drinks, and while driving home, she asked me to share one intimate detail about myself. I hemmed and hawed for a bit, and in her inebriated state told me that she’s falling for me. Shit. I mumbled some sort of reply that I care about her and she is important to me. The last of the alcohol has kicked in by the time we got to her place, and she asked me to go home.

    We texted a bit when I got home before she passed out. I tried to explain to her that I really don’t love myself and it’s hard to love another. She replied, “I see what is beautiful. You have so much to offer. You are wonderful. And beautiful and smart and funny Once you see it you will know.”

    We texted yesterday morning and I tried to explain that I wasn’t “feeling it.” She replied:

    “I appreciate your candor. Iā€™m not ā€œworriedā€ about falling for someone who is transientā€¦I just like to know their plans. Iā€™m not opposed to it. I do understand how it can be hard to give part of yourselfā€¦thatā€™s why Iā€™ve been a bit worried lately because I wasnā€™t sure on your feelingsā€¦ I wouldnā€™t feel guilty for falling hard if it was reciprocated. You arenā€™t awful. Really, itā€™s my own insecurities wanting allayed when I push for intel. Iā€™m not confident in why anyone would like me myself. Iā€™ve always struggled with insecurities.”

    “I justā€¦when Iā€™m with youā€¦itā€™s just good. Iā€™m just happy. I didnā€™t want to lose that. Sorry.”

    “Iā€™m never good enough. I donā€™t know what it is that makes me unlovable. What would you change?”

    “I am hurtā€¦but I donā€™t blame you. You didnā€™t deliberately hurt me. You are absolutely wonderful and kind. When Iā€™m with you I am a different person. Happy and peaceful and life is wonderful. ā˜ŗļø I thank you for that.”

    “It could be a bookā€¦ ‘One Magic Summer’. Two lost souls came together and experienced bliss for short time.”

    “So this is how this goes. For approximately 1-2 weeks I will panic about the change in my life/loss of a person I care for etc. soooā€¦.I wonā€™t do anything crazyā€¦butā€¦I will probably blow up your phone A LOTā€¦itā€™s just hard for me to adjustā€¦after a few weeks, Iā€™m fine & youā€™ll probably never hear from me again unless you text me or something.”

    While I did my best to let her down easy, she is left in limbo. She has a rare day off today and wants to have me over for dinner tonight. Unfortunately, it is tonight that I’ll have to tell her that I’m leaving and break her heart.

    I feel like such absolute garbage.

    She is very special to me and I do care deeply for her. While I wanted to be a positive influence in her life, I know my selfishness or unwillingness to be truthful with her from the start allowed her to develop strong feelings for me. I know her insecurities and my aloofness fed her uncertainty about the relationship. And the alcohol allowed her to be vulnerable. To take a chance and pour her heart out only for it to go unreciprocated. Not only is the relationship ending but I’ll soon be leaving as well.

    I wish that I loved her. Or felt like a deeper love could develop in me. It’s just not there. So, I’ll be leaving another woman in pain. I’ve tried to justify the relationship by telling myself that I showed her what a good man can be. However, truthfulness comes with goodness, and I’ve kept that from her from the start.

    I have enjoyed our time together and valued the relationship. She’s very easy to get along with–a “goes with the flow” type of person. Like me, she too battles with self-esteem issues and depression. She has also been cheated on in the past and had men treat her poorly. With her return to teaching in early September, she has been falling into a depression, as the workload and general feeling of no longer being fulfilled in that role.

    I robbed her of her ability to choose if she wanted a relationship or not. Maybe we wouldn’t have had a second date, or maybe she wouldn’t have developed feelings for me. Or maybe she would have and this would have been painful anyway. I don’t know. I feel wracked with guilt and know that I made it worse than it needed to be for her.

    I’ll see her for dinner tonight, and will have to be honest with her.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear TeaK and Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to replyā€¦ Wanted to write a quick reply before I head to the gym.

    To address your posts, TeaK. I do not know if itā€™s that I cannot say ā€œnoā€ to women. Part of me wanted to have sex because it has been quite some time since I had. While I could convince myself to the first time, there simply wasnā€™t a connection/attraction to her to continue to simply have sex for purely carnal or selfish reasons.

    I think my issue is more that I feel a sense of guilt/shame when I hurt or disappoint women. It feels as though women see me as something that I may not always be: A good man or a better man than most. I try to live up to their expectancies but often donā€™t. Iā€™m sure some of it can be traced back to not wanting to disappoint my mother, but I honestly do not know.

    I did deal with anger issues with I was younger. I have never been physically violent with any woman, but I did kick a wall when I was maybe 21 after a fight with my wife at the time. I been in therapy off and on for 15+ years now, and time and work on myself and lessened the fire inside me.

    Anita, yes, I have certainly felt Acute distress and despair (and continue to do so at times). There are daysā€”or periods of time during a dayā€”when I am in the throughs of a dark spiral and cannot find a way to stop. Iā€™ve learned that poor sleep or undereating ā€œfeedsā€ these feelings, so often a good meal or simply taking a nap may help a bit.

    As far as joy is concerned, it is a rare emotion. I have often been asked by counselors over the years if I feel joy, and my responses is nearly always no. While I treasure having the ability to get outside, and feel the endorphins when I go for a hike or a walk, I rarely find joy in it. I recognize that I am fortunate (blessed?) to have the physical ability to explore the world with all my senses, but there simply isnā€™t joy in it for me.

    Iā€™ll try to expound more later.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    No, I don’t think that is the case. I was alone for nearly all of 2020 and I had these highs and lows. I’ve dealt with these waves most of my life. This may take a longer post to properly explain, and that will have to wait. CBT has helped me as much as it can I think, and I’ve placed myself in a good position in life by serving in the military, getting a graduate-level education, and working for the US government. (Much of my stress in the past came from living essentially paycheck-to-paycheck, and I did not want to end up working so hard for so little as my parents did.)

    To offer a quick take: Much of my disillusionment stems from never feeling truly “at home” wherever I am in life. Rarely feeling connected with someone–which, again, therapy has helped immensely. And, generally, and existentialist-view of the world. Not a great combination.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Not so much “emotional mountaintops” in terms of social interaction, but more just in a general, emotional sense. It’s nothing new–dealt with these highs/lows most of my life. Some days, I feel quite good. I’ve slept well or feel a sense of excitement for the day ahead. Then, the next day I’ve done a 180 and I have little will to do much of anything and an inability to focus. I’ve been Rx’d 76 mg. of venlafaxine for a number of years, based on the GeneSight test, and while I feel it does help balance me, I feel that most of my depression/anxiety/etc. is situational based. This is one reason why my current counselor has encouraged me to cease living such a nomadic life and find a place to call home.

    And while, the possibility of a mutual connection and relationship with my former colleague did help to an extent; but, as you know, it also caused me to overthink and become anxious at exactly “what we were.” I knew that we were never going to have a romantic relationship early on, but her overall inability to let me get close (with the exception of a handful of times), pushed me to want to find a way to find a closeness.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply.Ā Yes, the battle with my childhood and MDD continues. The “social-emotional isolation” wears on me, but quite inconsistently, as I move from emotional mountaintops to the abysses. My next counseling appt is not until late May, but I I know this will require work on my part (and a new counselor when I eventually relocate). I do find it cathartic to write here, however.

    Thank you again for checking on me and for your reply, Anita.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Good evening Anita,

    Thank you for reaching out… My apologies for being away, as this month has been someone chaotic.

    This started my second week of work at my new job. I do not yet have a laptop, so Iā€™m using my personal computer to read regulations and guidance. Iā€™m trying to be excited, but I fear it may not be as wonderful of an opportunity as I think. This will be my third federal job in as many years, and I want it to be my last (for a while at least). Iā€™m tired of moving and changing jobs and I do hope this is where I can plant my feet. Unfortunately, the job is 100% telework for now, so I do not have to move right away. This means Iā€™ll be working a new job from my same home office here in Appalachia. Yet, I try to remain expectant that, once the dust settles, and Iā€™m working in the big city down south, perhaps things wonā€™t seem so dreadful. Iā€™d like to be there by mid-summerā€”just awaiting what the pandemic does in this country and how the federal government moves to reopen its offices.

    Iā€™ve been rather self-destructive (to an extent) these past few months. The previous job brought me no joy and I did not dedicate the time to it that I should have. I was always behind and playing catch up, and feared what would have happened had this lackadaisical mindset continued. I just was not able to will myself to focus on work. Iā€™d spend hours every day doing anything but work. And I became that jerk who handed off unfinished work to a team of already overtaxed coworkers. I felt like a piece of crap (to be blunt), but there was just nothing left in me to focus on this job. However, after returning my laptop and hardware a week ago last Friday, I started this job with a mentally clean slate last Monday. Itā€™s all I could do. Hopefully, my government-issued laptop arrives in the coming days!

    In the past four weeks, Iā€™ve ceased asking my worker to hang out. Iā€™ve expended too much energy into this one-sided relationship, and it was not worth it anymore. She has probably asked me to hang out with maybe four times this yearā€”with decreasing frequency since the cabin trip in January. A switch flipped in her mind after that weekend and she did not seem to want to explore even a deeper friendship. She has often FaceTimed me from work in the mornings, but there is never really any talk of anything more. It feels as though Iā€™ve become more of a sounding board than someone sheā€™d like to spend time with socially. Strange as I have not really experienced this before.

    She continues to work her second job on the weekends and has begun a return to the gym. I think her time is limited and she is focused on herself and her friends. She is also dipping her toes into dating again, so I have been relegated to the back seat. We FaceTimed for a bit last week and she actually cried. Her therapist had had to cancel an appointment the day before, which just happened to coincide with her exā€™s birthday. She still felt shame about not seeing the signs of his drug addiction and promiscuousness, but also felt anger because a year ago she was in love and spend time making him a birthday cake from scratch. However, he would not see it until late at night, which she later found out was because she was doing drugs with friends. To me, she strikes me as not yet willing to open her heart up to anyone, but misses companionship that comes from a coupling, so I think sheā€™s dating to hope sheā€™ll find that spark or connection again. She said in our FaceTime that she feels numb and empty and knows that isnā€™t fair to those she gets close with (to include me). As much as I wanted some sort of intimate relationship with her, my posts here and your counsel Anita made it clear that she isnā€™t the one for me, and that a relationship would have been unwise. Hopefully, I showed her a bit of goodness and respect, and she can meet someone who offers her the same.

    Finally, I allowed my loneliness and self-destructiveness to lead me astray. I tried Tinder off and on these past six months, but the dating pool here is quite shallow. I never really took it too seriously. Iā€™ve chatted with a few women here and there via the app, but either they ā€œghostedā€ me, or I didnā€™t pursue things due to a lack of interest. However, I did finally relent two weekends before last and agree to grab dinner with someone. I kept pushing her off for months, but she was persistent, and so I agreed to dinner. (She does know that I am leaving, as I was upfront about that.) Regrettably, I felt even less of a connection when we met. Dinner was pleasant enough, but I really donā€™t have much in common with her, and I was not physically attracted to her. I tried to be charming and witty and enjoy the night, but there just wasnā€™t much there for me.

    After dinner and drinks, I stopped back at her place to drop her off and she invited me in. I said okay and went inside. She has four catsā€¦and cat tsatskes everywhere. I did my best to ignore it as she poured some shots. I knew what she wanted as she led me to the bedroom, but I didnā€™t initiate anything. However, she did and we did the deed. I focused on her and she was quite happyā€”and told her friends about it the next day. I stayed around for a bit but ended up driving home much later than I had intended, which I know saddened her, but I knew that I wasnā€™t ready for that type of intimacy. (I also felt strangely guilty like somehow I was sneaking around on my former coworker, but I brushed that aside.)

    We texted a bit during the week, and she was very flirty and asked to see me again. I begrudgingly accepted and had a pleasant enough dinner. Again, she invited me to her home, and I did my best to relax and not initiate anything. However, she did and I did my best to ā€œrise to the occasion;ā€ however, it simply would not last. I simply could not maintain, so I rolled over and tried to blame the alcohol. She tried to ā€œassistā€ but there was nothing there for me. I stayed for a few but I soon donned my clothes and drove home.

    I just feel soā€¦I donā€™t knowā€¦off. Part of me regrets simply dropping her off after our first date and heading home. At the same time, I too am lonely, and she certainly made her intentions clear, and I was able to muster my prowess to be a great lover that first time. There should not have been a second time, but I was too concerning with hurting her feelings by being honest. I did explain that Iā€™m dealing with depression and am on antidepressants, so that could certainly play a factorā€”though it never has before. Part of me is frustrated because I felt such an intense connection the first time I went out with my former coworker, and I wanted that feeling again with someone. Itā€™s so rare and so fleeting. However, there just was nothing there for me. Sheā€™s asked to see me again, but I continue to push her off. She is understanding but I know she also wants sex, as she isnā€™t exactly shy about her intentions. And for many guys, perhaps finding a woman with a high libido is a dream, but I also need that connection, which does not exist.

    As much as it would be wonderful to have a companion, I know that I need to continue to work on myself. I continue to battle depression, but there is also the lack of a sense of purpose or a longing to explore more of myself. I continue to go to the gym three times a week, but I find it difficult to do anything more than watch tv. I have spent quite a bit of these past few months exploring the state on a Saturday, but I often find myself lonely on my travelsā€”especially when returning to an empty home. I know that, if I were staying here, and with COVID likely subsiding, I could perhaps find a hiking or biking club to join. Yet, Iā€™ll have to wait until I get where Iā€™m going to hopefully find a group.

    My apologies for the long post, and I donā€™t truly expect a reply. I simply wanted to post an update and to vent via the board.

    Thank you.

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you yet again for your reply…

    Yes, I too fear the loneliness that comes from living in a large city. The isolation and compartmentalization that comes with a life there is scary. I lived near DC for a bit before taking a job in Appalachia, so at least I had the benefit of culture and whatnot there–even though I was a full-time grad student at the time. That was a part of the appeal of taking this job here; however, I believe the poor socioeconomics of this area and the pandemic meant that I never saw this as “home.” (Even though my counselor encouraged me to put down roots and perhaps make this my home.) I will locate a counselor when I get settled there and work to find activities that boost my social skills.

    And, no, I won’t stay here for her. The love interest, friendship, or whatever this was and is, it’s unattainable and unsustainable and detrimental in the long run. I did FaceTime her briefly this afternoon, and while she was excited for me, I could sense the friendship I desired had passed. While she knows that she can count on me, there is nothing there for anything more foundational. And that’s okay. The time we shared helped with the loneliness and isolation, and the relationship–whatever it was–provided me an outlet to be open and vulnerable–even if it was not reciprocated.

    Thank you for the two mindfulness points. Yes, I will work on holding onto them and practicing them. I did well with not overreacting to perceived rejection(s) with the coworker. Not so much in my own head and heart but I never verbalized them to her (other to say that I had hoped for more but understood why it could not be.) She mentioned a few times that she appreciated that I gave her space when many of her friends did not. However, I need to do better with accepting theseĀ perceived rejectionsĀ and not hyper analyzing or fixating on them. The same with the inferiority/superiority mindset. As you said, these are likely due to my “very lonely childhood and life of social isolation at home.” I simply have to get a handle on this or at least learn to accept it and cope.

    I came across this quote by Jake Woodard on Instagram tonight: “Some of our deepest core beliefs were created because of the childhood trauma we experienced. The relationships that we manifest are often a reflection of our unresolved pain. By leaning into our wounds, with the other broken template that we carry.”

    Ryan

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Spry_Ry.
    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita and TeaK,

    Thank you again for both replying. It brings me some comfort to have a place to speak for freely.

    Yes, I did accept the tentative offer and do plan to move away from here someone soon once I receive a formal offer. There is some apprehension about taking another job that is nowā€”and has the potential to always beā€”100% telework, as I feel that Iā€™d miss the direct human interaction. However, this is something I have not had in the past year, and a larger city (a real city!) could permit that if I can work from anywhere.

    That makes sense of what youā€™ve written about hypnotherapy, Anita. This would explain the other counselorā€™s aversion to it. My primary counselor utilizes CBT therapy, while the otherā€”the one who offered hypnotherapyā€” who I saw infrequently, used a type of DBT, which I preferred. Nearly all my experience in therapy has been CBT-based, which was comforting in a sense, but I felt that it did not (or no longer) drill down deep enough as may be necessary for me.

    Iā€™ve done a lot of thinking about what youā€™ve written, Anita and TeaK, and I would say that youā€™re right: I do have a strong fear of rejection. Barring a few kisses and some G-rated holding and touching, my coworkerā€™s words and actions always indicated that we were to be casual friends. Even when I would pay her a compliment about something as benign as her cooking or her hair, it was typically rebuffed or ignored. As Iā€™ve written and you both have identified, she rarely, if ever, ā€œlet her walls downā€ so I could see her ā€œwhole self.ā€ She was always careful to never allow me to know more than she was comfortable with.

    I approached this relationship by envisioning her as someone she is not. When I saw her briefly a year ago, I painted an incomplete picture of her. I saw an attractive, professional woman with a confident stride. It was until November when we met that I discovered she was intelligent and driven as well. I allowed my isolation and loneliness of 2020 to override logic I suppose. Logic being not to get too emotionally involved with a coworker. I did try to convince myself that her flaws/vices would make a tangible involvement more difficult, but I cherished the feeling of dressing up and. enjoying dinners with someone fun and intelligent.

    I suppose part of my irritation is because of the rejection that it wasnā€™tā€¦more blatant. Maybe it felt good for her to touch someone again for a time until it became too much and she needed to shut it down? Maybe she was trying to not hurt me by being more direct? Obviously, I got the hint after the crude message about her ā€œcute maintenance manā€ a week and a half ago. With that cavalier message, I knew for certain then that she would never see me as anything greater than a casual friend.

    Iā€™ve worked to make peace with the inconsequential nature of our relationship. Oddly, she has not acknowledged that I no longer really text or contact her, but perhaps her ambivalence was something I hadnā€™t noticed. Iā€™ve written how it occurred to me that she hasnā€™t asked me out for dinner, or offered to have me over, since we returned from the cabin. I was too caught up in trying to hold onto something that was never there to realize these deeds were not reciprocated. She may be lonely and looking for a companionā€”or at least companyā€”but that simply was never going to be me (or is no longer me).

    I only have myself to fault. She was upfront from the beginning about this relationship, and while the lines may have blurred for a moment, there would be nothing substantial that would come of it. While early on I had hoped for a romantic relationship, it did morph into the desire to be a special person in her life, who could be a stable rock for her. Perhaps it was my personality, something she saw (or did not see) in me, or even her past traumas that didnā€™t allow me in. I do not know and may never know.

    I will continue to practice vulnerability and try to bring people into my life where I donā€™t feel the need to be a savior. I also need to work on my self-worth after working much of the past 10-years on my self-esteem. While I feel that I have accomplished much in my lifeā€”serving in the military, an MBA, having a good relationship with my daughter, and having what one could a ā€œcomfortable lifeā€ā€”there remain the issues that have led me to be twice-divorced, where I have yet to have an intimate, long-term relationship, in my 45-years of life.

    I certainly have a lot of work to continue to do.

    Thank you,

    Ryan

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After your torment in losing your post to me that you spent so many hours on, I decided to draft this in Word and copy it into the Tiny Buddha post window. Again, I am sorry that you lost so much time in what I am sure was a substantial post to me.

    First, I did meet with my counselorā€”albeit virtuallyā€”with my counselor last Tuesday afternoon. We talked a bit about how my depression (dysthymia) has been and the usual Q&A about if Iā€™m getting out, eating enough, sleeping enough, etc. She was ecstatic that I allowed myself to be open and vulnerable with my coworker. Vulnerability has been something Iā€™ve long been unable or unwilling to do with another person, and it was one of the things my counselor worked hard on with me last year. I will continue to work on my unresolved childhood issues with my mother. Last year, I actually saw a counselor who does hypnotherapy, in the hopes that he could help draw out some repressed memories, but he felt hypnosis was unnecessary.

    Second, it was a year ago this past January that I moved to this town of 30,000 and it will be a year ago next week that we began mandatory 100% telework. Last week, I received a tentative offer for a job with a federal agency in a city with a population of nearly 6 million. If I do take the job, it is 100% telework for the remainder of the year, so I will not have to move straight away. This also means that Iā€™ll be largely working alone; however, as the pandemic slows and life begins to normalize for most, there will be opportunities to travel and explore and hopefully meet new people. Also, the job could potentially be a permanent telework-type career, so I could feasibly work from anywhere.

    Finally, I realize that it read like I was judging my coworkerā€”and perhaps I was only because I saw her potentialā€”but I merely tried to paint an accurate picture of her. Not that any of us is without our shortcomings but I did not want it to seem that I was smitten with someone seemingly so unflawed. She is a self-described ā€œhot messā€ and yet I saw something there that I hoped she did as well. While she had maturing yet to do, I do hope that she can overcome her vices/shortcomings/etc. and find a happy, balanced life. She seems like such a dichotomyā€”a walking contradictionā€”as she battles addictions and her past with her drive to be better.

    In spite of that, I have decided to continue to pull away. Something changed between us after the cabin trip. Gone was any warmth. Communication became less frequent. She hasnā€™t invited me over or out for dinner since that weekend. If I want to see her or hang out, I am the one to suggest it. The only time she asked to see me was last Monday night when she texted: ā€…on a scale of 1 to fuck you, how much would you hate me if I said my mom and I might need a ride? She has us drinking long islands. Lolā€ She ended up driving her mother back to her car and driving home inebriated, so I was not needed.

    As you said Anita, she may have sensed my judgement and distanced herself from me because of them. I donā€™t know if I completely agree, as I have always tried to support and encourage things that feed her soul. I feel that we may have gotten closer for a brief periodā€”something she did not foresee or embraceā€”and decided to squash it. I have tried to be a positive influence in her life, and will continue to do so, but I do not want to put in any more effort if it is not reciprocated. I do not want the warmth I feel toward her to grow cold.

    Spry_Ry
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am so sorry to hear that you spent so much time on my post only for it to be lost. I had a similar issue in college and I know it is infuriating. I appreciate you dedicating so much time to make such a comprehensive reply, and greatly appreciate you summarizing it from memory. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon and I will address some your points with my counselor thenā€”specifically my experience with my mother.

    Iā€™ll write a more thorough reply after my session tomorrow.

    Thank you again, Anita.

    Ryan

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