Dear TeaK,

No need to apologize. I know how life can be busy and one must prioritize. I appreciate you replying…

It took some time to find a mental health counselor. The insurance website is grossly outdated and it was trial and error seeking a counselor who was both in-network and accepting new patients. However, I finally found someone and have my first appointment this afternoon. I have learned so much about myself and have given myself a year here to just focus on myself and counseling. I am optimistic that I can FINALLY make some real, positive change–especially when it comes to forming emotional attachments and being vulnerable.

I too fully expected (and respected) my ex’s decision to no longer communicate; however, that only lasted a day or two. She texts nearly every day. She is extremely depressed and not sleeping, which I of course harbor guilt for. She is trying to be supportive of my efforts to seriously improve my mental health, but she is not working to do the same for herself. I am trying to remain supportive of her, but grow frustrated as I feel both responsible and helpless. I’ve pleaded with her to find a counselor, go to the gym, or try going to bed earlier, but it all falls on deaf ears.

I did sign up at a gym here and plan to start next week. I did find a “Circle of Friends” group on the Meetup website and will work to start socializing/making contacts soon.

I am very committed to making a real, substantial change in my mental health, and I do appreciate having the support of you and the TB community, Teak.

Ryan

Dear TeaK,

Thank you for this solid summation! I will certainly use this when I meet with a new counselor.

And, yes, I feel that you are spot-on: “Those who don’t want you, you crave for. Those who do want you, you don’t want.” The work colleague that I had a brief relationship with, there was a mystery about her that intrigued me. There was an obvious physical attraction, but the mystery was the larger attraction. The quest to learn more–and to knock down her walls–kept me pursuing her.

I haven’t written as much about the girl I’ve been seeing for most of 2021, but she has helped me to open up more than anyone has in some time. (The closest correlation would be the counselor I dated about 10-years ago who really forced me to open up–even though I wasn’t ready to at the time.) We’ve had some real “heart-to-hearts” these past few months, which has been therapeutic in a sense. Unfortunately, there is just something missing that hasn’t allowed me to stay here and try a long-term relationship with her–though she is willing to relocate if that’s what we both want in the future. We have had a breezy time together and have experienced some amazing road trips and adventures in 2021. Nevertheless, there is just something that prevents me from exploring something that perhaps could be amazing.

She too suffers from anxiety and depression and had an often dark childhood that she hasn’t been willing to share with me. Maybe that is part of the reason why we click so well? I leave for the new job this upcoming weekend, so we tried to make the most of our last weekend together. I know the distance will be hard on both of us, and she is a bit excited/jealous that I get to escape this town and work on a future in a new, larger city.

I’d like us to eventually find a way to transition to friends, but I know that will be extremely difficult. I do care deeply for her (love perhaps?), but I know she loves me deeply and this will be a messy time for the both of us. She knew I was not long for this town, but it doesn’t make my leaving any easier.

As you said, TeaK, I need to work on breaking this pattern I’ve been stuck in for so long.

Ryan

Dear TeaK,

Thank you and happy holidays to you as well..

I’m hanging in there. I was able to fly home for the week before Christmas to see my parents, sister, and daughter. It was a busy week but a pleasant one. I’m moving here in about a week and a half, so I’m been prepping. The girl I’ve been seeing for much of the year would like me to move and return to stay with her since our return to the office was pushed back from Jan to possibly March or April. It is a source of stress for us both.

Thank you for checking on me. It is appreciated!

-Ryan

Dear TeaK,

Apologies for the delay in replying… Anita’s reply truly shook me. I considered deleting this thread–out of privacy concerns for my ex’s–or just closing/deleting my TB account. It was never my intention to violate their privacy, as I thought that any chance of them finding this thread was slim to none since I did not use my normal email address when registering for this website. While I used an email created specifically for the TB forums, this site felt like a safe space free of judgement. Instead, I feel my writing here comes across, if not unauthentic, questionable and rife with lies. Doubts and suspicions of the authenticity of my posts here may be due to my inabilities as a writer to really explore myself beyond the analytical. If these texts from these women read similar, then that falls on me for dating perhaps the same type of woman. This isn’t braggadocio but just how it feels to me. I am not a serial dater. That’s never been a need or want from me. However, I think, perhaps, I allowed my loneliness to hold onto relationships far longer than I should have. My ex’s saw something in me they may have fallen love with when I did not see it myself.

I KNOW that I am the “problem” in relationships. I have dated some amazing women, who would gladly share their life with me. Who would be supportive, giving, loving, etc. Unfortunately, I rarely if ever feel that with anyone in my life. I have discussed my lack of empathy and lack of feelings of love in therapy; however, I have yet to find a counselor who can truly help guide me. The one I saw last year, I selected him specifically because he also does hypnotherapy. I hoped he could unlock some memories from my childhood that may be have hindered my emotional growth. Unfortunately, he decides that hypnotherapy was unnecessary, and while I have very few memories of childhood, that I needed to continue to work with the CBT/DBT I’ve had and essentially move on.

I do not believe that I have a “Delusional Disorder.” While I may come across as an egomaniac, I know what these woman felt for me. I have records in the form of emails and text messages, and the pain the expressed when it was over. I should not have entered into a serious relationship with them. I should not have allowed loneliness to push me to companionship when I was/am still too self-centered to truly love someone. I don’t think that I am “the best” man. I am selfish, unfulfilled, and empty, and having a partner only adds to my distress–even when they try so hard to help.

That “little boy” lives far away now. While his mother and I still text on occasion, I gave up trying to be a part of his life. I called and FaceTimes for about a year after he left, but his mother has become involved with someone new, so I was relegated to the back burner. I’ll always be a piece of his social network, but my importance has waned.

I know that, deep down, I am filled with sadness and pain. I have never found out why. 15 years have passed since I first walked into a therapists office, and while I’ve learned techniques to manage my depression, I’ve never been able to find it’s possible emotional roots. Nearly every day is a struggle for me and I do not have a lot of hope or trust that things will improve in the future.

Ryan

Dear TeaK,

As always, I appreciate your reply…

This is a sound theory and I feel it rings close to true. I tend to date women who have had poor relationships in their past. “Poor” meaning either abuse or infidelity. (Sadly, this seems to be the norm–at least for me.) At the same time, I tend to date accomplished, stable, college-educated women–nurses, law enforcement, Ph.D., etc. The Ph.D. was a mental health counselor who loved me deeply and tried like Hell to help discard my self-perceived inadequacies. And while she was immensely helpful, I simply did not see anything long-term with her. I just did not click with her.

I’ve had CBT off and on for over a decade. In 2017, I paid for a psychological evaluation that included the MMPI, CDS, TSI-2, SCS, and a diagnostic interview. The doctor’s findings corresponded with those of my counselors: That I needed to learn and implement coping skills to deal with depression and anxiety. What is pertinent to this post is this clause from the report: “[His] behaviors of closing himself off from the world has protected him and hindering him at the same time. Caution should be taken when addressing [his] emotional vulnerability since he cannot tolerate a lot of emotional risk, confrontation, or risk letting anyone see his true self.”

I find that parts of me I aim to keep hidden begin to bleed into relationships after a time. The depression, self-doubts, transient feelings of worthiness, lack of a “true purpose,” etc. I’m not settled in my own soul and cannot feel settled with another. There’s always the feeling that there has to be something more (or better) than this. All the while the years float by.

Unfortunately, for those women I let into my life on a romantic level, it never ends well. The guilt and feelings of emptiness and loss stick with me. Even with the nurse now, I knew I’d hurt her in the end and still I used her in a sense. And the use was essentially just enjoying her east company on the weekends. And now she’s heartbroken: “I don’t want to imagine my small world without you in it,” she texted last night.

I always thought I’d get a grasp on things in my life, and then I’d meet that one person who was right for me. And maybe I will but my patience wears thin at times. I always feel like I need to get myself right before I meet another, but I hold onto hope that the next girl will be different. And they may be but it’s me who is the same.

Ryan

Dear TeaK,

I understand what you’re saying and appreciate it… And my response may be better suited for another Tiny Buddha forum.

I don’t think that I’m leaving before the nurse sees my inadequacies. I really enjoyed her company, but at the same time, I realize that I used her as an escape in a sense. My weekends here largely consisted of grocery shopping and the occasional weekend getaway, but it was nice to include someone else in my life. Obviously, it made for less lonely times for the both of us, but I knew it would come to an end. (Thought I’d end up relocating sooner than I plan to.)

The thing is, I think she would accept me for my who I am, with all (self-perceived) flaws. But to be honest, I don’t think I could do the same for her. She is intelligent, fun, and a good person, but there are things about her appearance that I do not care for and her politics are 180 degrees from mine. I fear that both would weigh on me as time went on.

And I convinced myself that leaving Appalachia and taking a job with a bigger organization was the right path for me. I set that path in motion last year and ended up getting the job in late March 2021. I’ve just been dragging my feet on my move since the cost of living here is significantly cheaper and we were teleworking for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, my mental health these past few years has not been grand. Even with counseling and SSRIs for a time, I continue to suffer from an inability to concentrate and focus, decreased retention, and general malaise. The fear of failure comes from not living up to the stellar employee I used to be in previous careers. There are metrics that have to be met in federal employment, and I have been “pulled aside” a few times for a pep talk about meeting expectations. Now, I’ll be leaving for a new city soon for a job that really isn’t that different than the one I left. Having served in the military, received my graduate degree, and working a “good job,” people see me as successful and drive. All the while, I feel very subpar and average these past few years.

To circle back, I guess I cannot expect anyone to see and accept my flaws when I truly cannot accept them myself.

Thank you, TeaK. I would like that…

While it stung to read it, I can understand Anita’s suspicions. I did not realize how similar their comments were. Obviously, I do not include all the text messages. And while it may be odd, or at least not the normal here, I include comments here as I feel it paints a better picture than the one-sided picture I could paint alone. I do wish that my writing here did not give a false impression, but all I can say is that I wouldn’t be pouring out so much here if it were false.

As I said with Anita, I would understand if you decided to no longer communicate with me here.

Ryan