Dear anita

I agree with you that most people usually are occupied with their own thoughts and probably don’t notice my oddity. Like you said the tendency is high to misinterpret people’s behaviours when being very anxious. The awareness helps me to relativise the behaviour and reaction of other people. Especially now without the stress of my study I can withdraw myself from possible conflicts with others. But on the other hand avoidance is also not the solution.

I am aware of psychiatric medications. But I really don’t want any medications. In my situation I believe that the brain can be trained to be more resilient and regenerate from stress damages. Unfortunately it takes time to see any results and it is a lonely way.

You reflected well on how children see their parents. They are the caregiver and gods in the eyes of children. I used to see my parents as gods. I especially used to listen everything what my father said. Back then I didn’t have any friends to exchange on different perspectives. I was trimmed only to performe and not to socialize. I think that back then I didn’t build any own opinions or interests. I was scared to be under people and to explore the world.

I protected the image of my parents because I felt guilty to blame them for what I become. They didn’t do everything right and I am angry at them. But they still support me and at the end I can’t change the past. So to recognize that they did wrong and move on is the best way to continue to live.

It is unfortunate that I didn’t become the positive and bearable sibling. But I want to find a way to become free from my suffocating self. Through my experiences in the last few years and responsabilites as the older sister I will never be as positive as my little sister, but I can be one day free from my suffocating emotions. Maybe not now but one day.

When I am overwhelmed with those intense emotions I cry a lot and I talk very negative about myself and others. I get paralyzed and every suggested possible solutions I reject and continue to whine. Then I repete those negative things again and again. My whining words are nothing new and gets boring to listen to. Many times I told my father that I want to die because everything has no meaning or I can’t handle my life. But he feels helpless and can’t help me. For me it is almost normal when he walks away. I would not wonder when other people would do the same. I did also get angry and push my father away by going away before he does, because I know in my core he would not catch me even if I need him the most. My whining is unbearable and unhealthy. Even my therapist felt uncomfortable with my whining. It’s just too much. But I still wish that somebody will be patient enough to sit next to me, interrupt my thoughts and get with me through those intense moments without judgement. I often hoped that love will safe me, but I know that it is irresponsible of me to expect that from somebody if I can’t pick myself up.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you for your patience and time you putting in your words.

You brought it to the point. As a child distressing emotions were not accepted if nothing tragic happened like somebody died. But when I grew older I couldn’t control my emotions and they got very intense. I didn’t know how to handle them neither do my parents. So they walked away and hoped that I calm down myself. But I couldn’t bear those emotions and regulated them in very destructive ways. Now as an adult I fear that people will walk away if I am not my stable self. Those intense emotions are scary and terrible for others too. So I have a tendency to avoid others especially if I acted irritating or created discomfort for others.

I regret that my parents didn’t know how to comfort me as a child. But now as an adult I don’t seek the same consolation. What should I do then to get the comfort I need to calm down those intense emotions? Like you said alone the emotions intensify but in such a unstable state I can’t seek comfort in others.

Sesha

Dear anita

You said it right. I wished that the therapist intervened my thoughts and worked with me on my issues. It seems that during the last months I literally fed even more that negative side of me. It feels like nobody can handle my oddity and intense thoughts even myself. Now that I have so much time in hand the “noises” in my head are taking even more room in my head. I wish that I know how to find silence in my head. I am trying my best to train mindfulness and also to take care of myself by meditating, eating well and go outside. Unfortunately I have difficulties to go back to my hobbys, because I acted irritating in the sport’s clubs and I think people kind of felt offended by me. I am not welcome if I am not coming as my stable self. I feel quite alone even if I see my parents more often now than during the last semester. I don’t feel like they can support me emotionally to get my inner hold back.

You asked if I have any person in my life who impacted me negatively. Even if my parents love me and would give everything they have, they used to be very demanding and discouraging at the same time. But they changed and don’t do it anymore especially since I moved out. They didn’t know it better back then and just wanted that I succeed. I don’t have a bad relationship with my parents, but I wish that they didn’t let me down emotionally when I most needed them. In every failure or rejection I was alone.

At the moment my little sister is somebody who impacts me negatively. She said very hurtful things that let me feel even more worthless. She even ignores me and gives me the cold shoulder when I am at home. I am also very envious of her life and compare myself very often with her, because we grew up in the same circumstances, but she seems to have her life together. I also know that she has a lot of friends she can rely on. It hurts to think that I am alone and that I will stay alone if I can’t fix myself.

Sesha