Dear anita

(1) That is what I often do. Hoping that those suffocating feelings go away.

(2) I agree with you.

Your explanation make sense to me. I am open to listen to your suggestions of accepting those suffocating feelings.

Sesha

Dear anita

I agree with you. Temporary relief are better than no relief at all. For learning a new skill or improuveing something, constancy and patience is key longterm.

I also agree with your reflection about that suffocating feeling. All those feelings lead to the point of lacking the connection with my inner and stable self, which is also important to feel confident in myself. For sure the physical health is one of the most important base for feeling good. I would say with a more or less healthy habit with diet and sport I fullfill that aspect. Also to have some close friends to talk to or to meet up, help to feel accepted and to get new perspectives on life. But the tendency during the time I am alone, those suffocating feelings haunt me. I do try to distract myself with walks, playing the piano, watching movies/series ect. Unfortunately like sports I can’t distract forever from those uncomfortable thoughts.

Sesha

Dear anita

I am doing better than the first time I wrote here in this forum. Thank you for asking.

I changed my daily structure, talked to a career counselor (it didn’t help so much for deciding, but I received some good inputs and ideas), integrated more sport in my week, contacted a volunteer place (I will try to get a shift next week), applied for a barista job (unfortunately it didn’t work out, but that’s ok) and met two new people (it gives some different perspective and also self confidence to overcome the fear to meet strangers).

It sounds like I did a lot, but I still have a lot of free time where I feel overwhelmed with fear for my future, feeling of worthlessness, boredom and loneliness. Meditation helps, but probably I need to do it more often and regularly. Luckily sports help me to forget those suffocating feelings for a moment. But I do think a lot about my study. I feel a lot of fear to think to go back to my study and also about after graduting to apply for a job with my degree. I don’t think that I am good in what I am doing. So those thoughts and feelings didn’t change so much. But it will not change anyway if I don’t go back to university to overcome the fear or to change my major. What I am planing is to build my ressources again: hobbys and social circle. After that I will maybe see clearer what I will do with my study.

Sesha

Dear anita

I have a morning and evening routine that I follow pretty well. But the occupation during the day is quite difficult and I often think too much about my future. My thoughts during the day are often not pleasant and make it very difficult to get up in the morning. I am often also not motivated to cook for lunch.

8am: getting up, washing my face, breakfast

10am – 3pm: (sometimes sport, but often empty/screen time)

3pm-6pm: outside, walk, reading a few pages of a book

6pm: cooking dinner, watching a movie, surfing the internet

11pm: sleeping time

I am not happy at all with my current day structure. Especially because I don’t feel like I am doing anything valuable or enriching. I am thinking to get a job, volunteer and taking some courses to learn something new. I am especially missing the interation with people to exchange ideas and perspectives on different aspects of life. My friends don’t have time to talk or write every day with me and I don’t talk to someone every day. But because I haven’t applied any of my ideas, they are only empty words. To get over my blockade is so hard. I am always somebody who strives to accomplish something. And to have nothing to work for drives me crazy.

Sesha

Dear anita

I agree with your reflection.

At the moment I am taking a break from my study. Because I didn’t plan ahead what to do, I’m currently doing nothing. It is shameful but I live day by day. It isn’t productive and good for me. I’m still figuring out what to do to not waste time like that.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you so much for asking. That’s really thoughtful of you.

Unfortunately I don’t think that much changed. I’m still figuring out what to do with my life.

Sesha

Dear anita

You touched a nerve. Yes, especially now when I feel very vulnerable and I am often around my father that emotional abandonment/ betrayal wound opens up quite often. It turns me to a very negative and difficult person. I really don’t like this side of me and I blame myself.

You asked a very good question of how I can get a real-life experience of being caught when falling. If I would know that I would probably not feeling lost, anxious and alone. I would be more active in my own life and not circling around my past or future. But maybe volunteering can be something or finding a support group for real human acceptance. I am also thinking a lot to get a little job to feel like I am doing something. At the end it is really just to reach out or to jump in the cold water.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you for your eye opening analysis. It is true that my inner child is still feeling those lonely and suffocating feelings even if I can see as an adult that my parents are not gods. But my inner child is still hurt from their behaviour to walk away when I needed them the most especially now when I stopped my study and feeling the same like my inner child that I want to be comforted during those hard times. It is good that I am brave enough to want to break through this vicious circle to be needy to cling on somebody to give me the hold I am craving for.

I feel understood from you when you said that I am afraid to jump high, because I don’t trust my ability to jump high and survive. I am very anxious that I won’t have a safety net to catch me if I fall. That’s the reason why I hesitate and overthink to try new things or to meet new people. I know how that hurtful feeling to be outcasted feels like.

Thank you for sharing your own experience with your little sister. Probably my little sister struggles with other issues too. I know that being envious won’t help me at all.

Sesha