Dear anita

I would appreciate it a lot if we could exchange experiences on that topic. What I do as emotion regulation is doing sport, taking a nap or meditate. So far it helped to get a moment of relief.

anita

Dear anita

About “I reach out for new people and new experiences”:

Currently I strongly feel rejected and let down by my family. I also feel very lonely. Remember when I told you about my little sister, who seems to have a better life than me? I also want to have friends in my current city. I want people around me who I can rely on and with who I can share the joy of life. That’s the reason why I am actively searching people with more or less same hobbys and interest. The last weeks I tried some online platform and I met a handful of very nice people. Last weekend for example a hiking group organised a hike and I jumped over my shadow to meet them. That’s the kind of new good experience I am seeking. It feels good to be surrounded and accepted by like minded people. I don’t call them friends yet for sure. To build friendship it needs time. Trust comes with actions and time.

If those constant “suffocating feelings” would not be there, then for sure I am a much different person. Everyone who is calm and free from negative feelings would be different in a positive way. Then I also would take the jump to change my career path, which take most of my mental energy.

Regulating those “suffocating feelings” would be amazing. Honestly I haven’t done any worksheets yet. I read them but haven’t filled anything. I read a book, which is written by a psychologist, about self worth and how to improve it. But it didn’t work for me. It was more a principle of just doing the things what you are afraid of and just to stop talking/thinking badly about yourself. I also have to say that I am often trying to avoid to think about those suffocating thoughts. I rather meditate than write down those things.

Sesha

Dear anita

That is difficult… Even if the weekend was really fun and I really enjoyed the time, I don’t really know who I am that is more than what I have or can. Now in this moment I unfortunately feel “those feelings” again. I’m going to try to think about it tomorrow with a clearer head.

Sesha

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Sesha.

Dear anita

In context to my family I do feel very lonely. I do think that my parents don’t really know how to handle emotions, so they don’t even know how to handle mine. They used to say that I have no reasons to cry if nobody died. My father decouraged me in my young age to trust people in general. Because nobody cares if you are not good in what you are doing and even will try to push you down for their own benefits. It was a long and hard way to learn to trust and connect with people. There were a lot of hurtful experiences with people where I struggled alone. Even if I still struggle, I can at least say I changed to the better. I am trying to find connection outside from my family. I am more confident since I moved out. I need that physical distance to not fall back to the habits of helplessness and resentment towards my family. I really want people around me who get me and help me to grow as a human being. I want people I can rely on and trust. I want connections that matter to me not only in my best performance.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you for asking how I am doing. It’s been a while. I am doing ok. There are moments where I feel down, but it also pass if I focus to take care of myself. How are you?

I am impressed that you reanalysed our conversation. That must take a lot of time and effort. I appreciate that.

Your conclusion makes sense to me.  I can rely to some of the traits of BPD. I know you have good intention to suggest to go to a mental health professional. But I still believe to tackle my thoughts, life circumstances and connection with trusting people, will help me to be more free from my suffocating feelings. At the end I have to regulate my emotions. And good experiences reinforces good habits and posivity towards life even if it sometimes feels like life will not get better.

Sesha

Dear anita

I will continue with mindfulness and sport to regulate my mental health. I believe that I have the necessary tools to regulate my emotions. It takes time, constancy and practise to see any effects. I also need from time to time exchange with others to feel accepted and not alone on my journey.

I feel more hurt than angry when I’m whining (“intense moaning”).

Sesha

Dear anita

I tried to type away some thoughts. I am conscious that my written thoughts are not true and I do often contradict them internally.

When those suffocating feelings appear I can feel how my head feels tense almost like a headache. The outside world weighs so heavy on my shoulder. I can’t think clearly. Everything and everyone don’t matter to me anymore. Nothing has meaning. My friends and family just are sometimes nice to me because I have something to offer that interest them. If I wouldn’t be open and positive they will let me down. In time of crisis everyone would let me down anyway. I am the only person who I can rely on no matter what. I am my own most trusting ally but on the same time I am my worst enemy. Feeling that heaviness remembers me that I am worthless and unloved if I don’t have to offer something to the world. If I have no knowledge, I am not good in my performance, I don’t have soft skills or don’t have skills that are useful, I am a nothing. I used to be good in sports, piano and school. I used to work so hard and gave my whole time in my performance. During that time I was a loner and I still am. The difference is that I was constantly surrounded by people and I was constantly on the move so that I don’t have that much time to think or rest. Now suddenly I have so much time in my hand and don’t do anything worthy of my time. Weeks passed and I don’t feel like I am doing anything useful for me or others. I feel I’m wasting my life away. I can feel how scared and paralized I am while having those suffocating feelings. I feel like I don’t have any joy and energy to do anything. I don’t feel like I want to get up and face the world, but I do it anyway. It is my habits and routine that keep me moving. If there won’t be sport and some nice conversations with people, I would sink in a negative hole full of nasty thoughts about me and the world. It is tiring to spiral around the past and the regrets I have in my life choices. I know that the past can’t be changed so are the people. The only thing I can do is to move on and to learn from my past to make better choices for my own future. I know that I am responsible for my life, but I feel pressured and paralized on the same time. I can’t get myself together to do something about my current life even if I have the possibility to travel, taking classes or to take driving lessons to fill my time wisely. It drives me crazy that I have so many ideas and wishes that I could fullfill but I just shift it back and forth in my head. I am scared of the risks that come in my way if I decide to dedicate to invest my time and energy in those projects. Now I am here and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what gives me that thrives and courage to live a life that is meaningful.

Thank you for your time to analyse my suffocating feeling. I heard about panic attacks, but I am not sure if that really is in my case.

Sesha

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Sesha.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Sesha.