Dear anita

I will take some time again to figure out how to tackle my issues and how to keep forward. I will be away from the forum again.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you for your answer. It calms me down a bit that I am not alone with my problem and that you are willing to listen to my suffering. Therefore I am ok to clarify those suffocating feeling.

That suffocating feeling is not physical. I don’t experience hyperventilation, breathing fast and shallow and as a result, lacking oxygen. It’s more mentally. I feel that my thoughts are restless, I feel overwhelmed, sad, angry and I also feel paralyzed.

The little text part from that website sounds like how I feel. I read the article from this website. Self-acceptance and self-love are the key solutions for the issue with shame. It’s really difficult to get to the point, where I don’t get shaken by external circumstances. It really worries me to go back to university if I can’t be stable.

Sesha

Dear anita

Unfortunately I have difficulties to calm down my mind. The past few days I was constantly at the screen to distract myself from my uncomfortable thoughts. But logically that doesn’t help. In the contrary it makes me more tired and depressed. I did research some therapists, but I hesistate to contact any of them. Because I think that they can’t really help me. At the end it’s always a question of how to cope those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings by myself. Probably in the sessions they will ask the same questions like what do I want, how can they help me ect. And if I’m feeling so depressed, I will probably talk badly about myself and spiral down till I reach a point again, where I can’t barely continue my everyday life. I don’t want that to happen again. At the moment I’m really trying to keep up with my life. It’s so horrible that because of seeing that guy, my whole healing progress from more than two months is overrolled with shame and other negative feelings. It literary paralyzed me. I can truly say that is not because of a heartache. It’s really the feeling that others will judge me, reject me, get angry at me and hurt me. I can always give my reasons why I fear those reactions of others like I experienced it as a child with children, parents, teachers, adults and even as an adult with other adults. But that doesn’t count. The way how I can handle it and behave even with those feelings is the only important thing to live in society. I feel really frustrated, hopeless and lonely.

I watched the TED Talk from Brene Brown. She gave a very good presentation.

And I also want to thank you for the quotes. Especially the quote about belonging “Belonging starts with self acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self acceptance” resonates with me. That is also a big issue that I am working on the past four years. I often feel like I don’t belong anywhere and that I don’t know where home is. It’s a inner conflict that comes up from time to time.

Tomorrow is another day. I push again on the refresh button and will see. I hope you are doing better than I do recently. Have a good day.

Sesha

Dear anita

You said it well, everything goes “bit by bit”. There is no immediate relief, but a possibility through constant practise in practical application to feel better in my own skin. Unfortunately there is nothing that falls from the sky except maybe rain or snow. I am rethinking to get professional help again, but this time I will search for somebody, who is specialized in BPD. I will directly tell the expert that my issues seem to fit BPD and from there I will see how it goes.

Anita, thank you for listening and exchanging some inputs with me. I wish you a nice weekend.

Sesha

Dear anita

Thank you. I just realised that I didn’t pat myself on my shoulder for that. It’s hard to pat mentally myself on my shoulder for my effort. I have issue with that and I often seek external validation.

I actually think that the other emotions is related to shame. You are right. Anger and sadness is also related to shame. At the end everything is just put in the same negative pot. That is really unfortunate.

Sesha

Hello anita

I am so sorry to reply to you so late. Because I didn’t visit that forum for a while, I didn’t see that you wrote.

There are good moments, which I truly appreciate and felt ok. But unfortunately those moments are short and when those moments pass, it’s sad and I am back to the same state of life. At the moment I unfortunately don’t feel good. Yesterday something happened that triggered me so hard that it really overwhelmed me and I behave abnormal. I really feel stupid, ashamed, hopeless, lonely and worthless.

To understand why yesterday’s situation affects me so deeply, I need to explain what happened before. Last year in spring the indoor sport restrictions due to the covid pandemic was lifted and I went back to do Crossfit again. Everyone was happy to be back in the gym and enjoy sessions of group training. There is a coach that I never had as trainer before. After some sessions I developed a crush. What a cliché. I know. I find it also super stupid and childish. But I didn’t fall for him because he was goodlooking or is welltrained. And I am not somebody who developed deep crushes that easily. And it was not that classical love at first sight or something like that. At the beginning it was only his dynamic and enthusistic way that motivate me to participate his trainings. But with time I just liked the way he is. He encouraged me to do the exercises right and corrected my postures. What is stupidly normal for a coach. That’s their job. But there are moments where I felt like he is showing me that he likes me. For example we had to hang at a bar for a specific time. During the exercise he suddenly hang next to me and joked that we should think at something like what to cook for dinner tonight. I wanted to giggle and let go of the bar. Because I felt ashamed that I liked him, I didn’t show that I giggled and found his joke funny. I was cold. There was also another moment where we had to do an exercise on the rings. He told me to hold differently and he put both of his hands on mine. I was perplex, but didn’t show that it affected me in anyway, because he is a coach and corrects the way I do my work out. And I didn’t want to show that I had a crush on him. That moment felt so long. My stupid hormons kicked in and I felt like my whole body was under fire. After that I felt so good about it. I fell hard for him. Stupidly hard. I continued to come in his training with a feeling of exitement. And I think he was also exited to see me. He was nice and understandable towards me. He even gave me a hand from time to time during the workouts. I really liked that side of him. But with time when my crush got so deep, I felt more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. I was constantly scared that others would noticed that I developed a crush on him. I feared that others would judge me and call me names or think that I only come to Crossfit because I am thirsty for men. One day I came to his training I was very absent and cold towards him. I just shut down my mind and did the training. He got very irritated and changed his behaviour too. With a collegue of him, who was training nearby by change, they compliment the others and encourage others. I was left aside and I felt like they ignored me on purpose. By honestly that is a normal reaction of him. I did the same to him. That training I pretended that none of this affected me. But I felt really bad and cried a lot afterwards. I didn’t go for some weeks to the training. Than I came back again and tried to explain to him why I was like that last time. But before I could really explain in detail he said that it can happen and the most important thing is that I came back again. I was so relived and happy that I he understood. I continued to come in his trainings but I became again so weird and abnormal in my behaviour. I think I was obsessing over him. I didn’t give him the lovey dovey look. In the contrary I became more and more cold towards him. I also became so absent. In autumn he stopped to give trainings. I was so sad but my study kept me very busy so I could put those constant thoughts about him aside. I don’t remember when it was but when I went to the Thursday training I saw him again. He was working out for himself with others. It’s stupid but I was very happy to see him, but I ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder. And that multiple times in a row. After that I stopped to come to Crossfit, because I felt bad about myself and I felt so shameful. I felt like the whole Crossfit community knows from my crush because of my abnormal behaviour. The way I behaved during trainings when he is nearby is just socially not acceptable. No wonder everyone got irritated by me. I hate myself for that. I avoided going to Thursday’s training because of that guy. It’s been a few months that I didn’t show up. Yesterday I told myself that I don’t want to avoid training just because of that guy. But it was a mistake. When I came I didn’t notice him because I just shut down mentally to avoid feeling anything. I tried to be normal with the coach, who is giving the training. She was nice and also said that it’s been a long time that I came to the training. I didn’t really want to tell why and I put a happy face. For that guy it must be so irritating, confusing and even hurtful. We are not strangers, but I am acting like he is a nobody. Who wants to be treated like that? Honestly he is not the first crush that I had and acted on like that. And during the warm up he was running on the same track with a girl. And when we crossed eachother he slapped on the butt of that girl. I was perplex, but again I didn’t show. I realised that she is probably his girlfriend. For me it was clear that I will not continue to see any possibility for a relationship. With or without knowing that he is in a relationship doesn’t change in my behaviour. I just shut down mentally and was probably very absent. I think everyone noticed it. I felt so sad, confused and ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I have a crush on him. That I like him so much that it hurts. For me it was clear from the beginning that I don’t know him and I will feel hurt when I don’t really talk with him.

After yesterday’s work out I left as fast as possible and I had to cry. It was very overwhelming and my already very present suffocating feelings, made it so unbearable. I thought about all the bad that happened in the past and how much I hate to still be stuck in that city. I cried a lot. I questioned everything about what I do. I thought a lot to end my life. I know that a crush is not the end of the world and that there are a lot worse things happening. But I feel so tired of my life. I really don’t want my life anymore.

Sesha

Dear anita

Don’t worry. You gave me already a lot of input. I think what I need at the moment is time to keep practicing meditation and going on to have structure in my daily routine. I am also trying to change my life even if I don’t feel my best and when some things, which I have no control over, seem to be unstable.

Sesha