Anita,

You wrote that my email was so refreshing and it was a breath of fresh air for you.

Which part of the email that was so “impressive” or “meaningful” to you?

I thought that you had read this email from months ago (A closure after a tough break up thread- in that thread I wrote what he said in general although not in detail as in words per words)

Regardless, I am very happy to read your words below :

“I am definitely inclined to think that he does care for you.”

You have no idea how much this meant to me. No idea how much I needed to hear that, from anyone. My friends in general keeps minimising my pain, saying how he was a very shitty boyfriend so it was a good riddance for me, but they weren’t the one in a relationship. It was really hard to make them understand that after a while, I just stopped explaining and sharing. I do not need them to validate how my ex boyfriend feels about me. I know how he feels and he know about how he feels.

The two of us are enough. We cannot expect anyone to understand because they aren’t us, but the fact that you understand – God, you have no idea how relieve I feel reading your feedback. Thank you, Anita.

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Anita,

Thank you very much. I needed to hear some of the words you wrote above. It is very comforting me reading this.

Especially this part,

You wrote : “I imagine he still does.”

Every single time I think about ending it all, ending my pain – I think about this. I should live, even if it isn’t for me – then for him. He probably does not know about what is going on but he will want Mina to live. That he at least still care for me as an ex boyfriend or as a friend or as a 1human being – I do not care about the context.

I am fighting a lonely battle with depression but the thought of someone accepting me is very comforting. The thought that at least one person truly understands me. When I think about him and his last email to me, it really does not feel like I am fighting alone anymore.

I would like to explain the meaning of a sentence I wrote yesterday : “I became the person that knows the least about myself.”

For 19 years, I have never tried to understand or listen to myself. I do not know who Mina is without her education, her looks, her boyfriends, her friends and her parents. Those things I have wrote DEFINES me as a person for 19 years. I became accustomed into thinking that without them or those things, Mina does not exist.

I have always been so harsh on myself, saying so many terrible things that I would never say to anyone but I say it to myself most of the time. My ex boyfriend of 4 months knows Mina better than Mina, even you, Anita. A kind stranger from the other side of the world, we never even met but you already knows Mina more than Mina knows about herself.

I never listen to myself, I realise that. I always see the worse in me, when people always try to see the best in me.

That is why a simple break up shook up my entire identity, I had an identity crisis because I never knew who I was in the first place. Mina is always been about being someones boyfriend, someones daughter, someones friend, and someones student. To tell you frankly, I still do not know who Mina is very well. I am trying to get to know myself, taking a break for a bit. Trying to use this time of  my “depression” to explore and heal.

To figure out … who is Mina? I also realise that being depressed gives me a lot of space and time to think about myself. My future. I listen more to myself, I try to express myself truthfully and only surround myself with the people that I truly like because pretending is very tiring. I can go to school wearing anything, because I do not care about what anyone says anymore. I do not care If I lose a few “friends” during this period as well.

I am filtering out people. I am filtering out everything in my life that is worth keeping or needs to be thrown away.

Being alone is a comfort to me as well. I realise how I haven’t been alone with myself for a very very long time.

-Mina

Anita,

So to summarise your feedback :

1. My ex boyfriend did or does care about my well being, and it did became one of the reason of the break up BUT the MAIN reason was my ex boyfriend well being, right?

2. He had to ejected me as a girlfriend but he did not rejected me as a person when the break up happened, correct?

You wrote : “..That is all fine in my mind because he represents for you accepting-Mina (the opposite of rejecting), of valuing Mina as a person, and what he represents is real, it really is comforting.”

What do you mean when you wrote that he represent me? You are saying that there 2 different Mina then? The mina that rejected herself vs mina that accepted herself – and the latter identity was represented by my ex since he accepted me as a person?

If so, does it means that right now I am “accepting” myself ONLY because my ex boyfriend told me to? Because the memories and his words to me are so meaningful that I started to believe and accept myself because of it?

You wrote “his legacy” – can you explain about this? Is it the same concept as me honouring me, in a way – by accepting myself?

Please elaborate, If you do not mind 🙂

-Mina

Anita,

You wrote : “It is your thoughts of him in the present that give you comfort. You shared on your other thread that you go to places that you used to go with him, sitting where you used to sit with him. You do so to feel that comfort that he represents for you.”

Is it .. wrong? When things gets or feels very unbearable for me to handle, I would go to our favourite places and sit for 5-10 minute. I imagine him besides me, supporting me, and accepting me. Telling me how everything is going to be ok again. That I will make it out alive.

Sometimes I would cry,  some other days I would just stare at his empty position. and often, I would just sit, think and listen to his favourite songs. Imagining that he is right here with me, nagging about how I prefer Selena Gomez over Ed Sheeran. Talking about our favourite rappers and tv shows that are currently airing. Talking about life. Talking about college. Talking about … anything really.

Even the idea of him comforts me. The idea of imagining that he is here with me gets me through my rough day. I am back to my old bad habits, making decision based on what my ex boyfriend would prefer me to do.

Anyways – did you read what Lost Star have wrote about my ex boyfriend not rejecting me? Do you agree with her or you think that my ex did rejected me because the reasons of the break up was his distress that was caused by me?

I would love insight.

I will explain the whole “I realise how I became the person that knows myself the least” tomorrow, I hope you do not mind, Anita.

-Mina

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your beautiful post. Thank you for always supporting me and being by my side all these time. It has been a very difficult time in my life, the most difficult in 19 years. I am realising a lot of stuff that I have not even talked about to anyone, except for you. I realise how I became the person that knows myself the least.

I do have a lot of hidden emotional pain from my parents. I realise that as well.

Maybe that is why I ended up becoming into a very self conscious person. I cannot grasp the concept that not all people will like or understand me, every time I find someone who does not, I will blame myself and be very sad. My ex boyfriend who knew about this told me his mantra : shake it off.

Not everyone is going to like me, and I have to accept the fact that sometimes I am too nice and too trusting of people that it ended up back firing on me. My ex told me to shake it off and live my life the way that I want to. Because their opinions on me does not really matter – these days, I have been feeling very anxious and depressed that everyone hates me very much but I keep telling myself to just shake it off.

My ex boyfriend`s thinking is indeed very different from mine. He told me not to believe in anyone but myself and do not tell anyone to believe in you, tell them to believe in themselves as well

I miss talking to him. He always know what to say to me, the perfect thing to comfort me. I know that what I am seeking right now is a temporary comfort so I will not reach out to him until I know exactly how I feel. but there isn’t a day that passes by without me thinking about him. My emotions is in a weird position right now

-Mina

[MORE]

To give you a background, my mother was an only child.

I was assuming that she lived a happy life because my grandparents were rich but I guess her childhood was not that smooth. I heard a lot of rumours about my grandfather who was a prominent figure in my country had cheated and has several affairs, it was later confirmed by my grandmother – I was very sad to hear that later on.

My mother also had a very rocky relationship with her mother in law (my grandmother) – because my mom was not the usual house wife. She works outside and isn’t the type to cook and work to clean the house. My mother grew up with 20 maids, you can imagine her culture shock coming into the real world. When my grandma died, I think my mother was quite happy as well.

She got married with my father because she got pregnant with me. I secretly found an old diary of hers, during her study in Australia. My father wanted to abort me but my mother said no. I am here because of her, in a sense. For that, I will always be grateful. Maybe there are times when she hate me because of it as well, because I ruined her life.

I personally do not want to marry someone like my father, maybe my mother is thinking about this everyday. I feel so sad for her.

I do not want to hate my mother, Anita. Even If she is indeed rejecting me, imagine how life must have been very difficult for her to act like that towards me.

-Mina

Anita,

In a serious tone, not really often – only when I embarrass her by refusing to participate in social related things.

The last time was 3 months ago after my break up, I was very mad all the time and was just not in a right place.

She told me that I am “weird” and If she wasn’t my mother, she would never even be friends with me If she is the same age as me, that I am the type of person that people dislike the most, and how I do not have a lot of friends.

That really hurts me when she said that.

I am also very picky when it comes to food, I eat mostly expensive food, and I do not like spicy food and vegetable. She scolded me for this and told me how people are never going to accept me because of this. How in front of me people are going to be nice but actually behind my back – they are bashing me to death. It isn’t true because my friends has always been accepting of my picky taste.

How I always overreact about things that drives people to dislike me.

That is exactly what she told me.

-Mina

Hello Cherly!

Thanks for stopping by on my little diary. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I need that.

-Mina