[Sept 25, 2017]

Gyunnie,

It has been an ok-ish kind of day to me. I finished all of my assignments and presentation before the long holiday next week so that is really good!

I have no plans to go anywhere though during the holiday, I rejected every single offer because I am sick of interacting of people.

I hate everyone basically.

I talked with my best friend slash soulmate, Jessica today as well.

I never told you her name but you know how much she meant to me. I missed talking to her and I finally reached out to her and she has been very supportive and understanding.

Our 6 years of friendship never fails. I am very grateful for that.

I have been very sensitive that besides my close friends, I do not accept people and close my heart to any new possibilities of love or friendships.

It hurts way too much to vulnerable. or to be alive.

Anyways! Today something kind of heart fluttering happened to me. It was kind of stupid but I realise that I haven’t laughed in almost a month – like genuine laughing but today I laughed for no relevant reason.

I took that 273 bus to go back to my house and when I want to tap on transportation card as I get off, a guy from our university was also trying to tap his. We both removed our hands quickly and then he ended up tapping his card before me. When I got off, I accidentally kicked his slipper off his feet and he was so surprised and I apologised right away. I was so embarrassed.

I laughed after that just remembering the whole situation. His surprised facial expressions when suddenly his slippers flew off! I wish you you had seen his face! hahaha.

I realise how I have been smiling and laughing but it was never real until that stupid and absurd incident happened and I just laughed naturally.

I miss you, Gyunnie.

I have a song that I want to share with you tonight :

“For all those times you stood by me,

For all the truth that you made me see,

For all the joy you brought to my life,

For all the love I found in you,

You’re the one who saw me through it all

You saw the best there was in me 

I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

I’m everything I am,

because you loved me”

I wish that you can listen to this song, to realise how much you meant to me.

Words usually cannot describe my feelings that I have for you but this song perfectly describes everything.

I hope that your day went well, that you ate a lot of delicious food. And maybe you think about me in some of those days as well.

In case if you are worried, I am fine.

Or at least I am trying to be.

Wish me luck on that, ok? You always gave me amazing advices, I miss hearing it so much.

I miss being in your arms, and just talk about stuff for hours.

On Dec 25th – I will be going to London for a healing holiday – my father gave me a present.

I will stay at my friends place for 2 weeks. I need that, Gyunnie.

College has been stressful and I hate most of my friends here.

I miss you, the one that always supports and genuinely understand me and accept me.

I miss you – everyday.

I hope you have a good rest, Gyunnie 🙂

P.s : I do not know If I can keep my promise to you to have fun this semester … I am very very sorry for that.

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mina.

Anita,

I personally never knew anyone who dropped out of my university since I am only a first year student here.

Maybe there is a few seniors that dropped out but it is almost unheard of here.

Do you know that there are tons of people that re-take that Korean College Scholastic Test for 5-6 years just to get into one of this universities? I doubt that anyone would want to drop out of it for justice or social reasons.

Counselling is always provided here at the college. It is always open, we can make an appointment and it has been socialised by the campus lately especially to foreigner students who is living without their family so they are more vulnerable to mental health issues and stress.

About the truth thing … not sure. They were taken from the bible or latin words. I have no idea what does it means either – maybe to encourage student to be honest? like do not cheat on a test and be true to yourself?

-Mina

[Sept 25, 2017]

Gyunnie,

Today is a very hard day for me.

Someone in our university had committed suici** by jumping off from the Liberal Arts building.

So much for a prestige university.

My heart dropped when I saw the police and fire man in front of the building, I heard that it was a girl who jumped off.

Seeing something …. so real, it scares me. Very much.

I am scared that I will end up like that.

I am even more scared because I can imagine myself doing the same thing.

It is getting worse and worse as I think deeper,

what is the point of searching for that halo?

I realise how I have so many anger inside of me. I do not know why am I so angry or to whom am I angry at, maybe mostly God – for taking you away from me and I am also mad at … life.

I never asked to be alive yet here I am.

I am fighting everyday to live, but I have this really pure anger that makes me hate everyone.

I wish that every single person that I dislike can disappear or go to hell. I wish they would suffer 100x times more than I have ever did in my 19 years of life.

I will let them suffer if I can be happy again. I will step on them if it makes me happy again.

It sounds really bad, I know – but I do not know why I feel like this.

I shut off people from my life because I hate them. I hate seeing them happy and somehow being oblivious to sadness. to pain.

When all I can feel right now is pain and sadness.

It isn’t fair – why am I suffering so much?

Maybe you are disappointed at me if you ever find out about this letter but I cannot take it any longer

It makes me sick and mad. I am very angry because I am jealous of you, Gyunnie.

You are so lucky to have such an amazing parents that let you move college when you were so depressed because mine will never allow me to.

I am so jealous because you got a chance to start a new but I do not have the chance.

WHY?

Why can’t I start new just like you as well? Why can’t I listen to songs about changing may address or crossing to the next point of my life and being content about it?

Why can’t I have someone like me, who will support me when I said that I wanted to move school?

Why can’t I have someone that will love me as much as I love you?

WHY?

Do I have to disappear and end it all for real so people will UNDERSTAND how they should understand their children more?

To realise that their children is more important than their pride and money?

To understand that sometimes … you need to take people`s story seriously and listen to them.

I sound all over the place, and I sound like a big bad monster – but I am very tired.

I want to end it all. I want to end it, so people will understand. Because people will never learn, until someone decided to gave them the warning, the reminder that you should NEVER dismiss someone`s struggle, ever.

-Mina

[Sept 24, 2017]

Gyunnie,

Today was a beautiful Sunday for me. How was yours? I hope that it was nice as well.

Tomorrow I will be having a graded discussion for my academic english class, I am very nervous for a lot of reasons.

I always hate speaking in general, and my teammates are all so smart. Maybe I won’t get a good grade being compared to them.

What would you do If you were me?

I am sure you will do an amazing job, as a guy that speaks 3 language fluently at 19 – your grammar is always perfect haha.

Wish me luck, ok? hehe

I feel a bit weird these days. I feel surprisingly fine that life goes on without you.

Even when my old church people asked about you, I answered without much thoughts. or sadness.

I am accepting the reality that you aren’t here with me. I am accepting the fact that right now we aren’t together for a few reasons.

Maybe someday we will be together again but before that … finding myself will be the ultimate goal. Am I right, Gyun-ah?

Just like how you are trying to find yourself right now – I will do my best to find myself as well … and being happy during the process as well.

I can see you smiling over reading this post of mine today, knowing you, you must think :

“Finally, this girl is getting it together. Your life is never worth ending for a guy like me.”

You are proud of me, right?

Just like how you are proud and admired a single mother who never got married with the father of her child. Knowing how hard it was for her to raise a child alone and facing all of the judgments of others.

I believe that you are proud of me.

And If you are here, you will give me a big hug and pat me on the back, saying

“You have worked very hard these past few months.”

Like usual, I wish you happiness in your life. Lots of it. I hope you are happy in your new university and new environment.

This time, I really mean it. I want you to be happy.

Even if you are happy without me being in your life, you still deserve to be because you are such a nice person.

I am going to bed right now … have a good night sleep. Sweet dreams.

I realise that it has been a while since we say our mandatory goodbye message … “sweet dreams”

Gyunnie, once again – sweet dreams.

-Mina

[Sept 23, 2017]

Today, I want to share Gyunnie`s words that meant the world to me :

“With me, you can always be yourself. You do not have to try to be extra nice.”

Words that I hold on to very much until today. I am forever grateful for that.

———

Gyunnie,

I just met with Evelyn nuna, we studied together and talked about the good old times with you.

How we met each other for the first time like it was fate at Ediya coffee shop. That was the turning point of my life.

It is starting to be quite cold right now in Seoul. Is Daegu cold as well?

Wear warm clothes. Stop drinking so much, I know that it is hard for you and I am very sorry that I am not there for you.

I remember how you told me that being with me was your little safe haven.

“I feel really secure when I am with you.”

I did not realise how much that words meant until we parted ways. Until I became a place of disaster instead of a haven.

I hope that you will always be happy – whenever and wherever. I am sincerely wishing it.

Anyways – today my university (former university of yours, of course haha) lost the whole sports game to your university. I expected that. We have been doing so well for the past 5 years and never lost any games but seems like .. all good things have to end. Just like our relationship as well.

I do not have much to say today – sorry Gyunnie.

I hope you have a good sleep tonight and be well to your parents.

-Mina

Anita,

I will not update this thread unless I have a new thoughts or questions, I hope you do not mind.

I will keep my daily letters updated everyday, though. I know that even though you do not comment, you read it all.

Thank you again. I

I promise that I will re-open this thread If I feel like I am ready for anything new let it be a conversation with my ex or letting him go for real someday. Until that day come, I will only be updating my letter to him here 🙂

-Mina

Anita,

Btw you are free to leave any comment in my daily letter! I did not know you have been reading it.

Thank you so much xxxxx

-Mina

[Sept 21, 2017]

Gyunnie,

It is another good day for me.

I wonder how you are these days? Are you eating and sleeping well?

I am very busy with assignments these days, my classes aren’t giving me any break. I am a bit overwhelmed but I feel happy.

I want to talk to you or hug just one more time tonight. How perfect it would be if you are here.

I finally reached out Patrice today. You remember her, right? The one that used to have a stalker haha.

I talked to her after a while, it felt nice. I found a Singaporean friend as well, God listened to my prayers after all.

Every single time that I talk or think about you, I can think of so many memories. I miss you.

You have always been private and you do not let people to get close to you easily … but I wish that you would update your Facebook or anything really – to tell me that you are fine.

One day, I believe – that we will talk again.

Not now, Gyunnie. But someday maybe soon enough – we will talk again.

I cannot help but think about if there is any chance of us getting back once you have finished your military service. Of us building a family together.

Maybe we are never meant to be, and it was our fate to have a short and meaningful relationship to teach other about important life lessons. It was ending for us, but it was not the ending of Mina. or Gyunnie.

Maybe we will love again, maybe we will meet other people as well. But right now, all I know is how much I love you. How much I care and treasure you.

Fall is finally here. My favourite weather 🙂

I changed quite a lot this semester … will you still be able to recognise me? Do not worry though, I did not dye my hair platinum like I have always wanted to, but you would be surprised to see how relax I am these days.

I am praying that in our next life, the waiting shall be short and the meeting shall be long. So we can say I love you when we feel it and say how much we care about each other without any distress or any concern about college or military service. I am praying to God everyday – to let us meet each other like that.

Be healthy, Gyunnie.

-Mina