Anita,

I feel quite ok these days. I am doing fine.

Thanks for being happy for me, I appreciate it.

It is just that I have one thought that I cannot shake off : me being a failure.

Call me delusional or whatever, but I was genuinely thinking that maybe I could have been the next first lady of South Korea, that I was going to be someone important someday.

It sounds very weird and far off but Gyunnie gave me that security and validity that I WAS someone.

I am no one now in a sense.

How can I replace this sense of “identity” loss and security loss that I used to get from him?

I do not want any man to validate my position in the society, but I am having a hard time letting those thoughts go.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I hope so as well.

I hope that I can make it through, really. It is my sincerest hope.

Ever since I talked to my parents and Gyunnie, I have been feeling quite … free.

I think that for 4 months, I was not able to say anything, hiding it all inside from him and my parents,

and expressing myself to them kind of set me free in a sense. Do you understand?

I feel … different, Anita.

Yes, it is still hard and very painful but somehow, I do not feel like I am alone anymore.

Which is weird. Because all these time I feel like I was.

I felt like I was dying, that I was on the edge of life everyday but these days .. it is surprisingly (pleasantly) bearable.

Mainly due to my parents support, I realise that as well.

I am coming back home very soon (on Nov 1st) – and I feel very happy somehow that I get to spend my birthday with my family and friends.

I feel … hope again.

A big improvement from my last condition when I talked to you.

A lot of my close friends had noticed this, they told me that I actually looked … happy.

I wouldn’t get that far and say that I am happy but I am not miserable I guess.

I feel alive, in sync with reality – I know because I still feel a sudden wave of sadness that comes from thinking about Gyunnie but it is getting less and less painful. It is just a feeling of  loss. Emptiness and loneliness.

That to me, IS the reality.

The reality is that … I am moving on.

You know, I was very sensitive when anyone put themselves as peers (same level) as Gyunnie. I do not like it when people try to put him down or think about him as someone in the same level as them, especially my guys friends who thinks that they are much better than Gyunnie.

I would get very mad and emotional, I felt like they were trying to replace Gyunnie, trying to remove him from my life.

These days, I put Gyunnie in the same level / position as my first love.

Huge improvement. I used to saw him as God but right now, he is just someone that I used to love very much, just like how much I loved my first love.

How I feel about my first love is still very important, it became my “guide” I guess.

I still treasure and appreciate my first love, even years after we had broke up, and I realise that even after my first love, I was able to love Gyunnie as deeply as I loved my first love, just in different ways.

I am sure in the future too, I will be able to do the same thing.

-Monica

Anita,

I think I did not expressed myself correctly at that time. I apologise.

K University as a university – I love it. I just do not like the people inside K University, Korea as a country and Korean people as well. But I do not dislike MY university.

KU have a special meaning for me … I worked so hard to get in here, K University is a real proof of my blood, sweat, and tears during high school. It is not just a university, and it was not just my parents that invested in here, I also invested myself in this university.

I would never hate KU. I am very proud to be a KU student, that will always remain as one of the greatest achievement in my life. I have no regrets of being a KU student.

I only have regrets of coming to Korea.

I think the biggest reason why it was so hard and still hard for me to leave Korea is because of my university, there is no other reason.

You might not know how HARD I had worked to get in here, but I know.

You cannot imagine how difficult it was for me mentally and physically to become a KU student. How many times I have cried while studying (yes, it is possible to study while crying) – how many times I prayed so earnestly for this opportunity, how I still went to high school during a flooding, that describes how desperate I was, to be a student here.

Dropping out of KU is not about betraying or disappointing my parents … it is about disappointing myself as a person.

Throwing KU away will be like throwing myself away. For 19 years, going here was my goal.

Who is Monica without KU?

I was not able to answer that, that is when I knew that I am nothing without KU.

and moving to Singapore is not going to make me able to answer that question as well.

Maybe even worse, I will get no validation at all in Singapore, going to a university that is far below KU.

My problem lies on the fact that I despise Korea and have no real friends here. That is THE REAL problem here.

I have made a deal with my parents to solve the problem – that every single time that I feel too overwhelmed or stressed out in Korea, I can go home to my home country (even for only a short period of time like 3 days during the weekend) and my parents will visit me every time that they have a long holiday or during special events like my birthday.

I feel like it is quite fair for both parties.

For your information, the plane ride from Korea to my home country is around 7 hour. The price is not very cheap, but my parents are willing to make that little deal with me. That means a lot to me. It was a compromise from both side.

I will stay and finish my studies, while my parents allow small and short visit every single time that I feel lonely and depressed.

Hope that clears things up.

-Monica

Anita,

I am taking back my own words, I do not when exactly I will have to withdraw from K University.

My father is still being very hard on me, forcing me to stay here in Korea.

I feel like dying.

I know that this is temporary but I cannot sleep at all during the night, I am very tired, I have not eat anything for almost 2 days.

My sleeping pattern is really messed up, I sleep on the afternoon for only 5-6 hours and I am not able to go sleep at night.

My heart races and my thoughts is very active.

I cannot relax … please help me.

-Monica

Anita,

I think the hardest thing right now is that no one is genuinely supporting me.

I do feel like I am making the right decision but my family and friends keeps pushing me to just stay here and hold on.

I should just hold on, they said.

I feel so scared, so alone – I am making all these big decision by my own without anyone believing and supporting me,

How can I make them understand?

-Monica

Anita,

I had an important update regarding everything.

I decided to talk to my parents regarding everything this morning, I think that they are starting to see how serious the problem is.

I told my mother and father almost everything that I had felt, including how they rejected me in a sense.

The conversation did not turned out so well, but it was n0t as bad as I think.

I think a door has opened for me. (to move university somehow)

My mother suggested that I go to the counsellor of K University first before we decided anything and that I have to think very throughly about this.

She asked me if I had the confidence that I would be HAPPY if I do move to Singapore? that do I have the commitment to FINISH my university if i do move?

My father as usual is very hard on me, but he will come around somehow – I believe. My uncle (my fathers brother) did not finished college and married someone that my entire family despises (especially my father) but my father did not abandoned his brother. He still support him financially and defended my uncle saying how after all he is still his brother.

I think when it comes to choosing between me vs their pride, they have no choice but to choose me. I am their daughter after all.

I do not know. Do you think that moving is the solution to my problem, Anita?

Please give your opinion.

-Monica