Dear Peter,

You wrote : “In this light, sometimes Love may require that a relationship end.” can you explain in more details about this sentence?

-Mina

Dear Anita,

You wrote : “Here is a way in which a break up can truly change you (the title of your thread): you can start living your own dreams and be 100% committed to yourself.”

I understand. That wasn’t what I meant. I mean, in a way – I am aware that the break up changed me. Those changes, I mentioned above. Maybe I asked the wrong question, but I feel like I lost a sense of identity on who Mina is after the break up. For example Mina before the break up was a hard working and loyal person, Mina during the relationship was the happiest she has ever been and was always so bubbly, this leaves the questions…. who is Mina after the break up?

I feel like I dont know who I am during this moment due to the break up process that was rough and long.

I would appreciate any feedback as usual, Anita.

-Mina

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your detailed feedback. Sorry that it took me 5 days to reply to you, I actually am home for the summer right now. I talked with my parents regarding my concerns and I have been spending time with my close friends here, I was basically under a self restoration. I have to say that the break up was the main trigger of this whole thing. Last week while writing this, I was still very much in a deep dark cave, thinking that how my life had truly ended just because a boy broke up with me.

I truly realise that the main core of the problem is me. It is never about my parents or my ex. I never have any plans or goals that did not include my ex partner in the future, so of course after the relationship had ended – I genuinely thought that my future had also ended. After talking to my parents, I finally set up a short term and long term plan about my education and my working place in the future. I decided the plan myself, my mother surprisingly agrees with me right away while my father still has some other plan in his mind, I frankly at this point – does not really care about it much. I love my father but this is my life, I won’t live my life in a way that my father has lived his. I will decide what is best for me.

In a way, that break up is like a wake up call for me. It was painful, I admit that but … I am also very thankful for it. Because of that break up, it made re-think about everything in my life. Including my future dating life. I was foolish to think that me and this particular ex partner is somehow meant for each other when we are clearly not. We want different things in life, and it will never work out, even if he is not going to move college or even if he is not going to his mandatory military service. It took me a while to realise and accept that. We are just different people.

I believe that someone is out there, I will find the love of my life while finding myself slowly and surely. No need to rush anything. My parents and my friends here have truly helped me to see things in different respective. Their love and support has been overshadowing this whole thing.  I see hope now because I can see my future, at least I have a plan for it that does not include anyone but myself. My plan will NOT change no matter what, I am the only one that is able to change it for the right reasons not because of a partner or because my parents said so.

It has been unbelievable that I am going through this … so young. I do not know how to explain the feeling but I am starting to really be at peace with myself. Thank you, Anita, for reading my long rant and giving such amazing advices for the past weeks. I couldn’t thank you enough. Thank you once again.

All Love,

Mina

Dear Anita,

I will go through with your response and explain one by one.

1. You wrote : “my input: you were already someone. When they send you the message that they want you to be someone in the future, they implied that you were not someone. What they implied was incorrect.” -> What they meant by “someone” is someone who is successful, has a good career, is having a stable live according to their standards. As you can see, I am here writing about how I am questioning my life, questioning my studies and everything – so clearly I am still not that someone yet.

2. You wrote : “you have NOT been doing what you want to do for way too long. Way, way too long.” -> I am not denying this.

3. You wrote : “Sure, everyone prefers to be rich, but I wonder if marrying someone rich, in your mind, would be about pleasing your parents, as if to say: I am not being the rich career woman you want me to be, but I married a rich man, so are you pleased? Do you approve of me..?” -> I think I might have worded my sentences badly here. I wanted to emphasise the fact that career and education doesn’t matter as much after your marriage. Marriage is the ultimate goal, for me personally. I do not understand why people are working /studying so hard when at the end of the day – I would PROBABLY be more successful than those people that worked their ass all their life through MY marriage. Do not worry though, I am not planning to give up on my education ever, that I know for sure. I am also not planning to find a rich husband. I am searching for a smart, loyal and honest partner. Someone that I can truly talk to. I do not care about their money. It was just an example on how people can easily get equal respect and amount of money through marriage even though they never worked hard. I am not planning to do this in my situation.

4. You wrote : “Thing is, you are not in a mental position to make this decision now. The reason I state you are not in the position to make this decision is that you wrote that you want to do so “as early as possible”- the rushing in it is suspect to me, at nineteen.” ->  I am also not denying this, I am very well aware that I am probably not in my right mind. I guess, I am thinking that marriage will solve every single problem about life that I have been dealing with. Financial problems, education problems, pressure to get marriage problems, how to live my life problems – this will ALL be solved through marriage somehow. That is how I think in the back of my mind. I know that it is probably not true.

5. You wrote : “Problem is “back home” doesn’t read to me like a comfortable place to be in because your parents do not support you living your own life, being a “someone” capable of determining how to .. truly live your life, that is, being true to yourself. Am I correct?” -> I cannot even go back home. I am only 19, I have never worked any kind of real job in life. Part times here and there for like 2 weeks per year, I did it for fun not for money. I am not capable of “rebelling” against my parents because I need their money and their support. I still want to continue college, I need money for that. Tons of money. After college, If I still haven’t met my husband yet, I would have t0 find work. This again, in my country  – we need family backing. I wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for my parents. That is why I am seeking marriage as soon as possible, to get out. At least I know that I would marry someone that would let me do the things that I want to do. Instead of my family, I would be able to control my own life, I see marriage as a ticket to freedom. Going back at this point is not even choice to tell you honestly. I would have to keep going and pray that somehow I will find a way out other than marriage.

I know that I sound very absurd and weird, I am sorry for that.

-Mina

Anita,

Thank you. As usual, you always gives me amazing answers. I understand the concept that you are trying to talk to me about, I am a high achiever, being under stress is something that I get used to since I was in school. But this time? It is a bit different. It doesn’t seem like it will end. It is not like a usual stress that passes through. Why? Simply because I am questioning my life.

I wonder why am I doing all of these right now. I have no personal dreams. My parents and my teacher have always wanted me to be “someone” and to truly live my life but at this point : I just do not see it happening because I do not want it, but I do have a wish. It is very personal and some people might called me stupid for it, I do not blame them either – my wish is to get married as early as possible. Start my own family and take care of the people that I love. Being a housewife.

This again, people never understand the reason why. I do not really expect them to. If I wasn’t so smart, people wouldn’t be so mad but they feel like I am wasting my talent. I frankly do not care. Being smart, being a straight As student? It does not have any meaning to me. I dont put meaning in such things. I just wanted to be happy, doing things that I want to do. I just feel like my parents expectations of me can be pretty unrealistic, and we do not want the same thing. Every parents wants their child to be successful, but for me – I dont have that desire yet. You do not need a high degree or going to an Ivy school to be rich. You can just marry someone for that.

This sounds very reckless and selfish but this is how I truly feels. I just never say it out loud to people. I would really like it if you tell me your honest opinion.

-Mina

Anita,

thank you very much for the helpful and detailed feedback, it feels really great hearing a compliment from you. I genuinely think that you’re giving so many helpful advices to so many people here, and I think you have a gift yourself. I do wish that I would get through this break up very soon, it has not been very easy but I know that I will be able to love again someday (hopefully soon) and I have to start that with loving myself again. thank you, once again. x

-Mina