Update :

5. Is it possible to move on while I still have some lingering affections for that certain person (and there is a chance that the lingering affections will always be there?)

Considering the nature of the break up and relationship, it was a very mature and understanding relationship, even now we still have a very good relationship even though we are no longer in contact with each other, but we are still keeping the communication line open and will be there for each other if we have some kind of problems. We broke up due to the circumstances that did not allowed the relationship to go any further, for a while – there are times when I wished that we broke up for some other “bad” reasons like because we are not compatible or because we no longer love each other instead of blaming the “circumstances and timing” like what I am doing right now.

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mina.

Dear Anita,

Thanks. I am glad that I am doing the right thing for myself now. Thank you.

-Mina

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the lovely feedback. I really appreciate it.

You wrote : “During this turmoil, you do need stability in other areas of your life, one of which is that a friend should stay a friend. It is not time to cause further shaking in your life by redefining other relationships.”

I absolutely agree with this statement of yours x

-Mina

Hi Inky,

You made such a perfect example. I have been trying to express this concern to my mutual friends, by using the exact same expression (if your DH dies and your guy friends are approaching you already before you can properly grief) – this describes what I am feeling perfectly.

I am intrigued to hear how your DD got together with this particular boyfriend of hers. Are they still together? and is your DD in love with this guy sincerely, considering she got together with him in the middle of her break up?

Thank you very much, Inky. I would love to hear from you, again.

-Mina

Dear Anita,

I completely understand where you are coming from, Anita. I really do, because I know that I cannot control his feelings for me. Maybe he has been silently loving me from a long time ago, like you said and finally only had the courage (or opportunity) to expressed it now.

I won’t react this harshly if he had expressed this before this whole break up thing had happened. I would just politely reject him and move on. My friend must have known how bad my mental situation right now since I still have a big and very fresh wound from my break up. I expressed this almost every day since it is a constant struggle for me.

He knows all of this – so why? you said that he might be a good person with a bad timing, but he chooses his own timing. He could just support me as a good friend until I get over this break up completely but why did he had choose to expressed it now? It was his own choice. He is just being selfish, he does not care about me or my feelings – he just wants to his feelings to be heard by me. If he does not realise how expressing his “love” has became a “burden” to me – he clearly does not love me. He has been acting very childish, insulting my ex partner and making rude remarks about him. If I can be completely honest, my ex had never once insulted my best friend and has always respected my friendship with this guy.

I do think that my best friend is a good person, but as a partner – he lacks a lot of things. Again I have to mention that my mental state isn’t very good after the break up, so it is natural for me to compare him with my ex partner. Even if he really is a better partner for me, I still won’t accept his feelings because he is being very insensitive to my situation. That is the main problem to me. His feelings isn’t a big deal for me, I had rejected guys before, it is his lack of thoughts and foolishness that really bothers me.

I would love to hear your feedback or opinion or advice, as usual. Thank you very much.

-Mina

Hi Inky,

Thank you very much for replying. You describes everything perfectly regarding my situation. Him liking me … is definitely a burden for me. I rejected him softly yesterday – I can tell that he is hurt from the rejection but I do not feel sorry for him whatsoever because I am not in any situation to feel sorry for anyone.

But I do feel a bit awful for breaking his heart, because I know how awful it feels to have mine broken by my ex but unfortunately I cannot help it. I need to survive first. Thanks again for the amazing advices, I think you are absolutely right about everything.

By the way, you wrote : “Him making his confession NOW actually minimizes your whole past relationship.” will you care to explain more about this? Thanks so much.

-Mina

Dear Anita,

I guess you probably think that it is a bad idea but that contact was not meant to be something like that. I reached out to him because I loved him, I still care and I want give out an exception on his special day as a friend. I wrote that birthday message with no expectations. All I want is a “Thank you, wish you well too.” kind of reply.

But in a way that made me stunned is that I never asked for any closure or anything from him, he gave those words to me because he feels my desperation or my sincerity. He UNDERSTANDS. That is what touched me the most. I needed that, when I didnt even know that I needed that before he said it.

-Mina