Anita,

You wrote :”-right there could be your motivation to rush into marriage (at only 19) to a “hard working guy with a promising future.”

This is correct. I am very scared that I will end up alone as I already mentioned before, this is the root of my fear of being alone. Because my mother does not approve of me being alone, that ended up making me desperate to get married as soon as possible. Correct, Anita?

You wrote : “why is it her money, I wonder. Why not their money, hers and her husband’s? Was and is there no Partnership/ a We and Our, in that marriage?”

I understand that after marriage, your money becomes his money and his money become yours as well. That was besides the point. Financially, the marriage wasn’t equal between the couple. If the gap is not very big, it is understandable. I come from a country where most man must be the main provider for his family so for a woman to be the main provider instead, it is a bit odd. I am not saying that it is wrong, it is just not a common practice here.

You wrote : “couldn’t that well off family finance her stay in a hospital when she needed to give birth?”

Her family used to be well off. Her parents owned a store or something and since they are getting old, their store isn’t doing very well anymore. Both of her parents already retired now, so they cannot help her much – I think the fact that she can even give birth at that small clinic is because her parents helped her a bit with the money and let her stay in their house for a few months.

You wrote : “this is my point about being in a dark room with your mother having a flashlight, pointing to this or that detail. Without the whole picture, the way you put the details together may form a picture that is not true.”

I agree with you on this. There are a lot of points of the story that I must have missed. She can be very much content and happy with her husband and life, who knows?

You wrote : “Look where the flashlight is pointing: it is pointing to a handbag.”

Can you give more more details about this?

The handbag story was not told by mother. She does not even know about the handbag story because I never told anyone about it. As I told you above, we had an annual trip to Singapore every year, I often shop with her. This story is recent, probably a year ago. We went to a store and there is a bag that she wanted to buy so she bought it. I shared a hotel room with her, and she had hidden the bag inside some kind of a bag, and I asked her why did she do that. She answered that she is scared her husband will get mad if he found out that she bought a bag in Singapore.

I found it very sad. I do not know why but … to the point where you have to hide stuff that you bought? Isn’t it too much? I personally think she is free to buy whatever that she wants since it is her money.

I am not denying that the fact that I have this kind of mindset is influenced by mother`s teaching throughout the years. I became very aware of the things that she does not approve of and started to maybe really see the logical reason why. I think, she is trying to make me have the same mindset as her

-Mina

Anita,

You asked : “Can you imagine, Mina, that what your mother taught you is not completely true?”

I agree with this statement. The thing is, most of the remarks that my mother made – in a sense was proven to be true.

For example, my mother has a good friend, they have been friends since my mother was pregnant with me so they went a way back. This particular friend of my mother married the “wrong person” according to my mother. The friend married someone financially unstable, I remember very vividly my mother telling me at that time when I was quite young around 10 or 11 years old that her friend is suffering because of this. My mother told me how her friends family had warned her NOT to marry this guy yet my mothers friend did not listened and went through with the marriage. Well, the friend has 3 kids now and had to worked her ass off for her family to eat. She loves to shop and travel, and there was an occasion when I travelled with her and it was so sad to see her hiding her expensive handbags from her husband because he does not agree with her buying bags. I do not want to imagine having to do that with my future husband. The friend also had to have her third child not on a hospital but on a small clinic because she lacked money. My mother told me that the moral of the story is to listen to your parents when it comes to partners.

I still have quite a few scary stories that my mother told me, that are definitely proven to be true. Most people that does not have her approval does live miserably, I personally tried to checked.

Reading your feedback, I understand where you are coming from, Anita. You mentioned that I should have evaluated her teaching, I tried. You think that I believed my mother words as it is when I heard it? I believe it when I am also seeing it myself. and most of the time, I am seeing the same things as my mother had told me.

I cannot shake off the mindset that being a nobody is scary when I have been told that it is not ok to be a nobody in this world by my own parents. I trust them, and I love them, I am sure they want me to live well and not be miserable due to marrying the wrong person.

I wonder, if you have any feedback regarding this? I am always open to advices.

-Mina

Anita,

You always managed to write amazing feedback.

You wrote : “I think you want to get away from the pressure by your parents to study and make a prestigious, well paying career for yourself.”

This is 100 percent correct. And I think you should also put marriage inside those categories other than studying well and earn a prestigious career. My ex was the perfect partner for marriage, not to mention his major is Business – my father had wanted me to study Business but I decided to “rebel” for once and went against him so currently I am studying a different major which my father opposes until now.

My ex speaks three language, very smart, is the student representative of his major, and he is also going to the same prestigious university as me, basically he was everything that my parents had wanted in a son in law. Do you remember me mentioning my ex boyfriend mandatory military service? Mostly couples break up during the 2 years period of the service. I actually was willing to wait for him. I told him that and he was so surprised. He told me that he won’t let me wait. I know that waiting for 2 years isn’t easy but I was willing to go “all in” with a hope that an engagement plan will follow after the military service. I was that desperate to get married. I am probably still desperate even now because if we are still dating, I would still wait for him. I would visit his city every weekend if he really does move college.

Clearly now – the whole marriage plan has failed. So my only way is studying well and pray to earn a really good job after I graduated. It would be better if I had find a guy before I graduated.

Well my relationship with my parents are good. We get along very well. I mentioned how much they spoiled me on my last thread, but I did not realise that the pressure was unbearable for me until you mentioned it here. My parents are quite judgemental on people, maybe that is why. My mom especially made a lot of remarks towards those “nobodies” – what I mean by nobodies are those who married the wrong people (poor, abusive, or uneducated partner) or those who is in their 30s and still haven’t married anyone. Or basically anyone graduating from a university and did not get a well paid job.

She made it clear since I was very little that being those “nobodies” are the worst thing. I admit that I am very scared that I will turn into those people that my mom talks about.

-Mina

Anita,

I think I understand your first point better now. Thank you.

Regarding the 2nd point, I mentioned how difficult it was for my boyfriend during the relationship due to his studies and future plans. It was also emotionally difficult for him to break up with me. He feels a lot of guilt, the fact that he even had to feel guilty about me during one of the hardest time in his life … I feel guilty about it. That is it.

Regarding my parents, I can see your point. My parents has been married for 20 years and they are still “there” for each other no matter what. They fought and disagree but they never leave each other behind especially during hard times. Maybe in a way – I learnt a lot from their marriage relationship. Never give up on the person that you love during hard times.

Any thoughts or advice?

-Mina

Anita,

1. You wrote : “I suppose you sacrifice what did not get you approval already, what got you disapproval, such things that seemed to your parents as incongruent with getting that education, career, income, material goods.”

Can you explain more about this?

2. I think about these self sacrifice thing for a while, there might be a chance that I am currently doing it to “punish” myself for somehow moving on from the past relationship while knowing how hard my ex life is right now? Maybe deep down I feel a lot of guilt for not feeling so sad.

What do you think? Is it a possibility?

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Mina.

Dear Anita,

You wrote : “You learned to sacrifice a part of yourself. Someone taught you. It is impossible for a child to understand this and it is very difficult for an adult child to figure it out, that a parent taught them to put away an important part of themselves.”

Is this necessarily a bad thing? At some point, all social human beings needs to make some kind of a “sacrifice” to live, no? We cannot get all things that we wanted our way. We have to work hard and sometimes we have to sacrifice something important to get the bigger things.

You wrote : “If you think about what your mother, let’s say, disapproved about you, what she still disapproves of, that will give you a clue.”

I can only think of a few things that aren’t very important. The big thing is probably her disapproving of me marrying someone that does n0t have the same religion and same ethnic.

-Mina

Anita,

1. You wrote : “This sacrifice is the reason you wrote in that thread: “I have become a stranger, even to myself. The process of the break up CHANGED me.”

so because of this sacrifice that I made, I felt like I became a totally different person even to myself? correct?

2. You wrote : “During the relationship your focus was on him, his concerns, his pain, his secrets. That was one kind of living.”

was it a bad way for me to live? be honest please

3. You wrote : “Because of your age, it is most likely that you learned this in your relationship with a parent or parents.”

can you explain more about this? I am not really understanding. so one of my parent or both of my parents, are somehow teaching me that I have to sacrifice myself for another person if I love them?

-Mina