Anita,

You asked that : “The question then is are you willing to open your mind to what is true and real and let go of convenient thinking, of wishful thinking- are you willing invite reality into your thoughts and feelings?”

Are you telling me to let go of my ex boyfriend?

I believe that I will, I just need .. time and space. To think and see things outside him. I will definitely someday will be able to talk about him without any feelings, but … not now.

-Mina

Anita,

Thank you. I understand my situation regarding my friend right now, thank you again for analysing and helping me organising my thoughts. I will no longer stay in contact with this particular person / friend in the future.

I would like it for us to pick up the last topic about my ex boyfriend. I hope you do not mind. I hope you do not get tired. I also hope that this will be the last thread about him that I made here.

We discussed about how important it was for my feelings to be heard by my ex boyfriend. I haven’t reached out to my ex boyfriend until today, mainly because I want to analyse my motive for contacting him before I do.

I am not sure that the reason why I am contacting him is only for him to understand and hear me out. Maybe I really do miss him very much, that I am looking for any logical excuses and opportunities to talk to him. To hear his advices, to give him my advices, to give him a word of encouragement during his hard time, to just catch up with him… to keep each other in a loop again. Even if it is only for a short period of time.

It is also a fact that I am very much struggling with a lot of emotions and unsaid words to him. I keep going back and forth with the plan of contacting him. I am not sure what I should say and what kind of expectations that I should have.

The truth is, I really want us to be able to share openly regarding the break up and our current situation at the moment. I can feel that he isn’t doing so well either, he deleted all of his social media except his chatting application. He did not put anything except for a song attached in it. He always puts depressing songs about how he always believe in himself, that he does not need anyone but himself, most of the songs are about a person who is actually very scared and depressed about the future but he is holding it in because of social or society pressure. Maybe … my ex boyfriend is also pretending like me and he suffers alone just like me too.

I know that all of this are based on my assumptions about him. Maybe I can be completely wrong, but at the same time, I know that there is a huge chance that I am right. Since he isn’t attending any university at the moment, he is doing nothing. Maybe he is back living with his parents since no one has seen him around our university neighbourhood, he had to deal with the choices that he had made alone while waiting for next year semester to start anew in his new university which does not guarantee will make him happier either

I understand him. It was all a choice he made by himself so there is no one to blame but himself if things does not work out well. There is not turning back for him. Me and my ex share the same burden and thoughts, we cannot appear weak to people. We cannot admit that we are indeed depressed because of the stigma in mental issues. We both have to keep our “perfect kids” role for our parents and society standards. We were taught and learnt that no matter how painful it is to get slammed and bumped into a wall, we keep going with a hope that someday the wall will break.

But I realise now how much pain that I get from ignoring my feelings and by keep slamming into that hard wall.  know that I am tired. Mentally especially from the break up, the whole self identity question, the whole best friend thing, the whole church thing, and the whole study overseas thing, and discovering my parents expectations of me was also very overwhelming. I want to hear his support. And I want to do the same for him too. I want to support him sincerely as someone who understand completely about his situation.

It might sounds very hopeful and weird. I am aware, but is it really wrong for me to have this kind of expectation from contacting him? We both know that we have no chances of getting back together, but supporting each other as a human being to another human being is basic in my opinion.

I would appreciate your honest thoughts and opinion. I asked a friend and she told me that even though all my ex can provide is probably words of support, maybe I need to hear that from him. Because he is the most important person in my life. Maybe if the words come out of his mouth, I will see a hope in the future. I doubt it though. I am not sure.

-Mina

[Update]

Anita,

Let me ask you these questions, I hope you do not mind.

1. Am I wrong for putting him in the friend zone?

2. Am I wrong to not care about his sad feelings being rejected by me when I NEVER told him to like me, when I have ALSO been making all the signs that I am not over my ex boyfriend not only to him but to a lot of our mutual friends?

3. Is it my fault that HE overestimated MY feelings for HIM? It is all in his head, all of it are assumptions based on how well I treated him as a friend, but he of course, had to make a lot of assumptions that it means that I see him as a potential boyfriend and he is somehow better than my ex boyfriend? Well … he is crazy then, sorry to say that.

4. I do not like how I get INCLUDED into this narrative that I never asked to be a part of and then OF COURSE, I will have to be the one taking care of it. He started this and I have to finish now. Of course. Great. Amazing. If he never liked me, things would be so perfect. I would have one less burden in my life, you know?

Sorry for the rambling, and If I sound defensive / mad, because sometimes I am mad to think about how guys just ASSUME.

-Mina

You wrote : “what do you hope to have with this best guy friend?”

A friendship. I hope he continues to treasure and treat me like a best friend just like he used to before I rejected him indirectly

You asked : “what kind of a relationship, now that you are aware that he is interested in you as a girlfriend, and now that you believe his motivation is to have you as a trophy girlfriend, because you are pretty?”

I would write it again. A friendship.

You must have remember when I questioned my life in general. The day I really wanted to donate my life to someone in this world who actually has dreams and plans for their life. He was the one that was able to talked me out of it, I am thankful for that. I really am, until today. Maybe, I would have really somehow gave up on my life if it weren’t for his support and words.

That is why I think that whatever relationship we are currently having, it is worth fighting for

-Mina

Anita,

I never flirted with him, I made it clear that I love him ONLY as a best friend even before the break up. I was clear enough, in my personal opinion.

The thing is, during the break up, it was kind of hard to see the line. My best friend gets confused by the “blurry” line that was created by the break up. I was desperate to feel loved and cared for, I needed PEOPLE to live. The reason why I am here today, other than myself or my ex was because of my friends. They always listen to me and support every decision that I made.

I was guilty for being so nice to everyone, in order to console my heart break. If I were in my normal mental state, I would have refused him to come in and drop me off in the airport. I would have NEVER agreed to go to the church with him alone just to torture a weird guy that liked me. I realise that I wasn’t very consistent with my sacrifice when I embarrassed the church guy publicly by bringing my best guy friend with me to the church.

My ex would have been very disappointed by my childish act, but I still did it anyways. I feel like, my best friend is the collateral damage from the break up (from my side) – I mentioned that this break up CHANGES almost EVERYTHING. My dreams, my goals, my values, and even my relationships with my friends. I tried to replace that emptiness that my boyfriend gave me, by hanging out with my best guy friend. I admit that there were times when I felt touched. He paid for my food, picked me and dropped me off, he listened to me and gave me advices. He REMINDED me in some ways of my ex boyfriend.

Of course, my ex boyfriend is the original thing. The real thing. No matter how hard he tries, my best friend will never be the real thing. I will always compare him with my ex. He will never be able to overcome my ex. I do not see my best friend as the father of my child in the future and… I do not see myself giving up my precious education and career for him either. It is so much different. I admired my ex boyfriend, almost in a God like kind of admiration (I am sure you already know) for a lot of reasons. Let me compare :

My ex was a leader, he is very respectful and nice. He was loved by a lot of people. He is smart, very goals oriented just like me. He reminds me a lot of myself, there were times when we talked about serious stuff – like what if I got pregnant before we got married and he answered how he would still marry me and stay with me for the baby – I know my ex boyfriend thoughts and mindset. He is also very family oriented, he is close to his parents but just like my relationship with my parents, we never really say “I love you” to our parents. My ex and I, we do not like pretentious people. We usually dislike the same type of people, we never really judge when it comes to stuff that close minded people will not agree. We are very similar.

My best friend is very nice. He is quite popular among both guys and girls. He is loyal and does not really any problem with money. He does not study well, not really the leader type and most importantly – I asked him the same question as my ex above and he answered that he would force the girl to abort the baby. I was surprised. I am also aware that he treats his mother like a maid. And he does not have a good relationship with his sister … I am scared to even consider to date him. I genuinely think that my best friend only wants me as a girlfriend because I am pretty. I am a trophy girlfriend for him.

I honestly have no idea…. do you think that I should apologise?

Can you please analyse and give feedbacks?

Thank you, Anita.

-Mina

Anita,

You are always welcome, you deserve to hear those things 🙂

You wrote : “Your feelings matter and need to be attended to, primarily, by you. I would like you to have a … better relationship with your own feelings, to listen to the message behind them, to not reject your own feelings, to not be afraid of your feelings. I would like you, over time, to make friends with your feelings.”

I understand what you mean by this. All these time, I have been trying to make a sense out of him and the break up in a very logical way (which is by thinking) so I ended up neglecting my true feelings. My last post to you was very important to me. I finally understand why it was so hard for me to let go of my attachment to this person. These days, I am very comfortable spending alone time with myself …. and I actually feel like I am myself again after the break up. I am not desperate to feel like I am loved or cared for, I am able to see couples on the streets and smile. Because I used to be them, and I understand how it feels to be in love. To have that someone special. Instead of feeling bitter and jealous, I forgive myself and him for failing. Life is full of trials and failures and that break up was one of them.

You wrote : “What you learned, I don’t think it is your ex boyfriend that taught you those things. You learned all by yourself using your experience, trusting your eyes, your ability to analyze and understand.”

I agree with you on this one. What I meant by my last post was that I met my ex for a reason. If I hadn’t met and dated him, maybe I wouldn’t be able to experience and learn from such experiences. I feel like regardless of how painful it was, it was a very valuable lesson for me to learn. I cannot imagine how my life is gonna be without this experience, it changed me and it re assured me of who I am. What my values are and what values that I am looking in a friend or partners or society in general.

You wrote : “Regarding your friend, apologize to him if you led him on, and then forgive yourself. Please do not wallow in guilt. Once you sincerely apologize and then, in the future, correct your behavior, then guilt has served its purpose.”

I am not sure If I am guilty or not. Am I guilty for enjoying his support during the break up? For sharing my deepest darkest feelings to him? Am I selfish for that?

I rejected his feelings twice, the last rejection was very cold and embarrassing for him, probably. I told him this indirectly :

“I do not love you. That is all … that is my true feelings. There isn’t any other reason, I just dont love you. Even seeing you shedding tears, it did not hurt my heart.” (it is a song lyrics)

He posted my favourite song on Instagram and I felt kind of violated … I know that it was his “code” that he is thinking of me and missing me. I, decided then to post those lyrics as a reply into my Instagram. He immediately deleted his Instagram post about my favourite song, but …. again I do not feel anything when he deleted it.

My ex boyfriend told me once to try to be nice to guys. Especially guys that has feelings for me, to let them down politely and gracefully because he told me that guys are same as girls. They have feelings and they get hurt deeply too. That was the main reason why I was being so nice to guys that like me including my best guy friend, I was trying to slowly reject them to not let their feelings get hurts. Because I know, that was what my ex boyfriend had wanted me to do.

Things are different now – I do not see things the way that my boyfriend sees things, and I will not treat anyone the way my ex boyfriend treats people or how he taught me to treat people, unless what he had taught was indeed the right thing to do and I felt comfortable doing it. I personally, was having a hard time keeping up with the whole fake nice thing that my ex taught me. I wish we can sincerely and purely be good friends and support each other but nothing more. I wanted to be more clear on that.

I am not sure what I should be apologising for to tell you quite honestly

-Mina

Hello Anita,

I am here with a new update and new way of thinking.

Do you remember my very first thread here? I told you that I wasn’t sure to continue my study here or not. I was at lowest point in my life regarding my love relationship and my whole future. I felt like I did not have any purpose to live at all.

I realise that it was all because my ex boyfriend`s thinking had influenced me. When he talked about his hard times, I relate to him … and in a sense he showed me a way out of it by moving college. I loved and trusted him so I naturally think that in order to be safe again… I have to follow my ex boyfriend steps. He moved college because he was having a really hard time, I am also having a hard time right now so I keep thinking about doing the same thing.

I thought my ex boyfriend was the most perfect person in this planet. He is very nice, gracious, respectful and smart. He is also funny and very thoughtful to others. He is a leader that everyone loves and respect. He does not like conflict, and is always trying to meet halfway with everyone. He was a good person and he still is, even now. But I also understand now that he is also human. He is not perfect, and I shouldn’t be making life changing decision based on him.

I would tell you the amazing story on how my ex suddenly decided to move college : it was because he had lost a precious gift from his parents (a watch), the gift that was a congratulations gift for getting into our prestige university. That one watch that changed his entire life and future.

He mentioned on how he felt like he cannot be himself in student council, but it is not like he’s going to be the president forever. He just needs to hold it in for one more semester and he can live his life without student council. He mentioned how he does not like the exclusivity attitude in his major and class, but that is life. You cannot expect everyone to be nice. My ex boyfriend came from a small exclusive international school, with only less than 2o people per year – it was natural for him to be surprised that there are a lot of people in this world that are different and might be difficult to deal with.

But instead of dealing with it … he ran away from his responsibilities. He admitted this to me during our relationship. I was the one that did not want to admit it. I keep wanting to contact him after the break up in order to get his support and acknowledgement to move college. I was a coward for hiding behind his decision. I made a lot of reckless statements and decision based on that influence. I am not saying that the influence was a bad thing .., maybe for my ex it was the right thing FOR HIM to move, but for me – it is not. He made questions my dreams and plans, and because of that I am thankful because he re-assured me that I am currently doing the right thing instead.

I am not him. I am different from him. I will not run away and I will no longer hide. And for the first time ever since the break up, I can see why he is NOT the one for me. Instead of living a fantasy world that only I live in, I am starting to look at the reality and living it in.

I am sorry that it sounds so random and sudden but I realise how much power my ex boyfriend still had over me. He was so perfect … until today. I have no desire to be understand or to be heard by him anymore because I realise that his opinion over me does NOT matter. It is my life not his. I should be the one making every decision not him.

He shook me up and turned my life upside down for a reason, it was because I needed to find myself and my passion. For someone who did not even have any short term goal before I met him, he became a reminder that I need to find it. I need to be sure of what my goal is so I shouldn’t be so easily moved by a simple break up.

-Mina