Hello Anita,

I am so glad to read that you are also very happy to communicate with me all these time. I think you are a really great person too. I really do like you, and I connect very well with you on a emotional level, not a lot of people are able to do that with me. You are very smart, very sensitive and you aren’t afraid to tell things as it is. I think for these past 3 months, it has become a little heaven of mine to come here on this website and talk to you. I hope you do not mind me considering you as a friend 🙂

Regarding Singapores climate, you do not have to worry. Koreas weather is nice but I tend to have seasonal depression here especially during Winter and Summer – I prefer a country with constant weather like my home or Singapore. Korean food is really hell for me. I do not eat anything spicy so it is really hard, not mention their hard core drinking culture. I cannot stand it. My ex boyfriend “trained” me to drink for social reasons here but it did not worked out so well. I have a very limited amount of alcohol that I can take. One can of beer is already trying it for me.

In conclusion, I did made a mistake coming here. But now I can slowly see myself holding on for another 3 years. I have 2 plans regarding my future now – which I have carefully think about during these past months. I would try to apply for a double major for Business, and If I do not get accepted, I will definitely exchange to Singapore.

The exchange though, is a problem for my father – not really a surprise at this point, right? He was still very much pissed that I did not choose to study Business, he thinks that Singapore is a bad choice to exchange because Singaporeans does not speak proper English. They speak in a weird Chinese accent according to my Father who is in fact also half Chinese. He wants me to exchange to Australia, where he and my mother used to study together and got married. My father is very fond of a city in Australia, he wants to me to follow his steps but I really do not want to.

I do not like Australians in general or their culture or anything about them really. The only connection I have with it is because my parents forced me to connect with it in the first place. Took me to their old school and talked about how they almost named me after a river in Australia, I do not really care anyways.  I genuinely think that I want to work somewhere in Singapore after I graduated. It is very close to my home country and I get along very well with Singaporeans people and its people and its food and culture. It is the perfect country for me.

Here in Korea, I need to be perfect in everything. From my looks to my grades, you might not be familiar with the Korean culture but If you ever have a chance to visit a university here, it is almost like a fashion week in New York. No one here wear an old T-shirt and Jeans to school. Telling someone to lose weight is also a culture here. Imagine living here. Without me realising, I started to really despise Korea as a country in general.

You wrote : “Say only what is true. No need to share anything and everything with people, but what you do share, make sure it is true. This practice will help you feel less alone because you will not hide yourself behind fake niceness- it will be you in the front in every interaction.”

I will try, Anita, but no promises. Social pressure here is just very … high. I have to be as social as possible, and a part of being social is – there is a sense of being fake. I cannot put on a bad face or does not say anything when I meet people like my seniors or new people. I mentioned how hard it is to make friends so I have no choice but to do it like that. To survive and to have friends. In case if you order if it applies only to foreigner, my ex did this a lot of times too. Even worse because he was the student council president for thousands of people, he always has to be neutral and in a favourable position to everyone.

Sure, I understand that not everyone can like and accept me but I also understand that sometimes I have to just force or fake it out to gain friends overseas. Though these people does not end up being my close friends but most of them end up as good friends. I can talk to them and have fun with them. Emotional talk like this, I can always have it with someone else. My friends back home or you.

I would love feedback. x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Anita,

Well, I wasn’t really alone as in alone. I have a few really good friends that I connected emotionally, they saw me as who I am. We have been friends for a long time too.

But having a partner was very different feeling.

Yes maybe I need the togetherness as you have mentioned …

but I am not sure how can I gain this again, somehow

are you saying that I have to find a new boyfriend?

-Mina

Anita,

Can you please reply to the irrelevant update reply?

Sorry if it is too long x

-Mina

Anita,

I understand. I am not committing to the reality to protect and comfort myself  …  but this kind of coping isn’t good because I keep going back and forth between heaven and hell.

I still cannot let go of the “heaven” yet now

I will be ready but it isn’t now unfortunately and everyday I just wish that maybe somehow I will die.

or I will be able to sleep forever … to just avoid reality.

I realise that the only way to escape reality is to face reality itself

-Mina

Anita,

1. Regarding your second point, I understand and I do feel like my mental health isn’t ready to accept anything that my ex boyfriend will say to me. I will wait until I am ready, which I still do not know when.

2. Would you like to share the difference between real pain vs pain that I am only feeling by myself to comfort myself?

3. You wrote : “There is also the possibility that he will not be honest with you. His motivation for being dishonest would probably be to protect you but it will keep you delusional and not well.”

I agree with you on this one.

4. You wrote : “you still look up to him for the solution, as if he is your only hope for looking at reality as-it-is. That is delusional by itself.”

I am actually well aware of this. I am holding on to this one conversation with my ex boyfriend as a means to survive. It is indeed delusional because my ex opinion on my future life does not matter at all.

This thinking though, I would refer you back to my last reply in this thread. I mentioned how my ex used to treat me, especially how he accepted me emotionally as a human being during our relationship. He was an exceptional (not God) person. You also mentioned on how you understand, you wrote :  “so to be accepted by him meant a whole lot to you and it still does.”

This is the main reason why I still think his opinion and his blessing are very important to me. He was my first partner that accepted me, and because of that – I truly saw our relationship in the long term basis, building a family and supporting each other. I see myself being with him now and in the future due to the fact that he accepted me emotionally and understood a lot of my issues that I did not even realise I had before.

I cannot imagine finding someone better than him or like him, that would understand and accept me as he did.

-Mina

Anita,

Sorry! Yes it is a typo. I wanted to say :

“I am very much afraid that in the future I won’t be able to meet someone better than him.”

You wrote : “you don’t have to let go. For as long as you need it to survive, keep it, be it in your mind only. Keep it going. If and when you are able and willing to examine or re-examine things, to decide what is true and real and what is not, to evaluate and decide, then do so and let go of what is not true or real.”

I understand. You want me to “end” this emotional relationship once I am emotionally ready, right? In my own timing. Not yours, or anyone else, but mine.

Once I am ready, I will be up for the discussion to examine things in a more healthy ways. I understand that this is what you are saying.

I think I successfully expressed my exact situation at the current moment to you. Since you are not invested in the relationship and not in a fake emotional relationship like me, do you still think it is a good idea to reach out to my ex boyfriend?

Or maybe … it will be better to wait it out once my emotional state gets a bit better … or maybe now is the right time?

Or maybe not contacting him at all is the best idea?

Thank you for recognising my honesty, it wasn’t easy sometimes to admit stuff that are happening with me.

-Mina

Anita,

I see your point. I agree that my mother since I was a kid did not gave me any chance to really express how I feel. I am open to my parents for every single thing except for my own feelings. I guess I do have troubles expressing it even though I am a person full of warm and love. I was taught that expressing emotions isn’t good. Expressing emotion means … I am weak. Vulnerable and I will be easily attacked by people. I do not feel safe and confident when I express my emotions and my opinions in front of a lot of people that I do not know very well.

My mother teaching might have pushed me further to have a very deep attachment towards my ex boyfriend, I can see it now as well, for all these reasons :

1. I am actually working my first job right now (part time, only 3 hour per week) – I tutor high school students. I get pay very well per hour considering my age and my academic background (haven’t even graduated from university) and my ex was the first person who encouraged me to took it. He told me that it has a good fee and how I can fill my free time with it. I was hesitating about taking it, because I do not need the money and I felt like at that time – my life was so perfect. I do not need any kind of jobs. But my ex told me that it was a great opportunity for me. He was right.

2. He was my first boyfriend that told me to relax. To be myself, and that it okay to express things to him as it is. He will never judge and he will always try to understand. He ACCEPTED me. He told me that some of things that I was nervous to tell him about was really nothing big to him. I was worrying about nothing, I was so worried about scaring him away or embarrassing myself but the truth was … it was all in my mind.

3. He was my first boyfriend that understand my insecurity of being judged by my physical appearance. I was and still is the type of person that needs to go out with the perfect hair and outfit, even going to college, I need to make a statement with the way I look. I am very greedy and desperate to received acknowledgement from people. From strangers. I remember that I had a plan to meet one of the best friend of my ex boyfriend, I freaked out about how I should dress up and act, my ex told me very clearly that I do not have to worry at all, that his friends are all very nice and open minded. Which turned out to be very true (as expected from my ex … he isn’t the type to be friends with jerks) – and his friends even complimented me a lot of times. Tried to make me feel accepted and relax during our meeting as well.

I guess for 19 years, I have never felt like people understand me emotionally. My ex boyfriend never said anything but he understood me by his actions. He let me be myself … with all of my weird and messy emotions. He told me that it isn’t messy or weird, that I am in fact normal for feeling emotions. Expressing it to him isn’t a sin, and that I can always express how I feel to him. He told me that with him – I do not have to try extra to be nice (like being extra nice even when I do not feel like it, I still do it everyday in my life. I fake nice to people just because … it became a habit and I am scared of being judged as a bitch)

I did not realise how big it was for me emotionally to finally be accepted by someone. Especially to be accepted by someone that I love very much. To receive his blessing and acknowledgement about everything that I am very ashamed and scared of myself. He wasn’t my first boyfriend or my first love but he sure was (is) something very important to me.

What do you think about this?

I tried to be as logical as possible while connecting ways of how my parents raised me and the reason why I became so unhealthily attached to someone.

You wrote : “Regarding #1 and #2: maybe, maybe not, depending on the fear factor. We close our eyes so not to see what we are afraid to see.”

I want to open my eyes now, Anita. Even if it is scary – I will want to see reality as reality If I do contact him.

You wrote : “The thing with fear in this context though is that what we fear already happened. We are afraid as if it didn’t happen yet. The breakup already happened and you fear it as if it didn’t happen yet.”

So for me right now inside my head according to you, the break up did not happened? that I am denying that such things ever took place? but I know …. that I broke up with him, though. Like my brain understood and accepted that I did broke up, that he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. How can I overcome this non existent break up If I keep denying and refusing it?

Is there any way for my ex boyfriend to help me see and accept the break up then?

I would love feedback and advices as usual x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.

Anita,

I understand. It is true that I am scared to see things as it is.

1. But … by talking to my ex – will it be able to force me see things as it is?

2. Will this conversation help me heal?

3. There is a chance that I will probably misinterpret like what happened with the birthday message.

What If I start seeing his answers as more than it is again, how can I prevent this?

4. I am well aware that I am too scared to face and accept reality … do you perhaps know the reason behind this? why do I avoid my own reality?

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.