Anita,

Sorry to make you feel like I was for “seeking” attention from your part,

that was not my intention.

The first post was I did not feel like it was a temper tantrum, as it was based on facts, that he did indeed purchased the concert ticket.

and it made me felt a lot of things, and yes indeed I have talked to you regarding how his actions affected my feelings.

Again, I apologise for somehow making you feel uncomfortable regarding the whole Patrice`s thing as well.

The thing with my mom was true. She did suffered from depression and went to see a psychiatrist, that is why she let me see one and understood me.

I never have any intentions to make you feel like an “audience” in my life drama, really.

You might not believe me, but If I do this just to get attention … I would not be here. I would just seek attention somewhere else, in real life.

The Patrice thing, I genuinely wanted to help her, I do not see anything wrong with it.

Yes, you might laugh seeing how “unstable” I am yet I still want to help my best friend in her situation, I get it. It is funny.

I completely understand of you being tired of hearing me, of reading all of  my “temper tantrums” as well.

It genuinely hurts me when you told me that I throw tantrums to get “attention” … for what?

I think I seek attention from Gyunnie not from you, and to get it, I can just easily post on my social media, creating a drama of some sort and I will definitely get it,

and I have never done such things, ever.

Why would I seek attention in a website here?

Those “temper tantrums” are genuinely how I felt. I posted here because I genuinely wants advices, and help.

I just feel like I connect with you pretty well, that is why sometimes when I post I do not think it through, I thought that this website is not some sort of a place where you have to think everything throughly before you post.

A lot of people posts when they are not in a “stable” situation as well.

If you think that the last 2 posts are temper tantrums, it is ok. It is your opinion, but I think I should make it clear that it was not my intention.

-Monica

*did not post correctly

Anita,

I understand your point.

When I feel that intense distress, and I turn into fantasies and lashing out = Rejecting the distress

But by feeling it, no matter how hard, or how painful, without resorting to fantasy and lashing out = Accepting it

I have a bad habit of resorting to the fantasy by looking out old pictures, old conversation in my phone, even keeping a really old receipt from our last date … and I look at those little things as a fantasy/ escape during my distress moment.

So are you suggesting to STOP looking or keeping those things?

or do you have any other suggestions or advices that might work to stop the fantasy?

and regarding the lashing out,

I do not know how I can control it, the rage and the anger – I am very sensitive.

Too sensitive, I have to admit.

Little things gets to me, as little as missing out a class today, I had a mental breakdown over it.

During those mental breakdown, I would cry, feeling like everything is ruined …

I missed ONE class, and I genuinely think that my life here is over.

I immediately wanted to talk to Gyunnie, wanted him to hug me and comfort me. Wishing, crying, begging that somehow God would listen and let me meet him again.

I fell asleep (for 1 hour) from being too tired from the crying, and when I woke up, I felt ok.

It was weird … when I felt fine (calm) – I did not understand why I had acted the way I did before I fell asleep.

-Monica

Anita,

You wrote : “when you feel very uncomfortable, distressed, it is then that you need to endure that distress, that discomfort without panicking, without lashing out, without resorting to fantasy.”

I understand the concept, but how can I do this?

How can I control this really intense feeling of distressed that comes in every 3-4 weeks consistently?

All that I have been doing this time to “control” the distress is either by lashing out or by making up another comforting fantasy, as if the Gyunnie’s fantasy was not enough, I even dreamt of my first love … my mind always resorted to “fantasy” every time I feel the amount of intense distressed that I cannot mentally handle.

You wrote :”during the distress means to feel it and do nothing.”

So, I have to ignore the feeling of distress?

But how can I ignore something so intense and pushing me to my limits?

The real reason why I resorted to the fantasy in the first place is because my mental is not strong enough to somehow handle it.

I feel lost about this.

-Monica

Anita,

Maybe he is still a God to me after all.. maybe.

You wrote : “There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU, if you are to remain there. Enduring it without the temper tantrums and without the fantasy.”

So you are saying that in order for me to be able to stay here at KU, I would either have a temper tantrum (maybe lashing out?) or holding on to the fantasy and memory of Gyunnie.

Am I understanding you correctly?

I need to lash out / throw a tantrum or holding on to this fantasy in order to survive here?

That explains the current situation then, that my moment of “calmness” only lasts 3-4 weeks maximum, and after that – I have to go home for a short period of time to somehow “survive” and endure things here at KU.

Please give me feedback on how can I possibly substitute long term. Maybe a new boyfriend, that is long term?

Someone that is able to stay by my side for 3 years until I finished my studies here?

-Monica

[MORE]

And I also want to ask you this.

Why do you always “let me” to somehow continue doing something that is not actually “right” for me?

For example when I was living inside my delusional world, I told you that I was not ready to let this fantasy world end, and you told me to take my time, slowly.

That you “let me” and told me that it is “ok” to continue living there until I was ready to face reality.

Same in this case, I use “Gyunnie” to go on when I feel distressed, and you told me that is ok to do such things.

Other people would have force me to snap out if and stop using those ways of coping but you always let me to take my time slowly, and that means a lot to me.

Instead of trying to push Gyunnie out of the picture completely, I think you understand the process of de-attaching myself from him took time, and there was no health way of de-attaching someone from another person by forcing them, you let them slowly but surely to take a small distance and steps … without removing that important figure all at once.

Regardless of your reason, thank you.

-Monica

Anita,

I have to admit it is deeper than that, more than the fact that I invested myself in KU in general – I invested myself in Business School because of Gyunnie.

A lot of my close friends here are Business major, Gyunnie`s seniors (Business major) knows me very well, I have a very good relationship with Business major people even now.

I was emotionally involved when Gyunnie felt stressed out about organising a snack event before the mid term, there was a huge fight whether to provide vegetarian food or not with the other student council member, and Gyunnie was restricted with a tight budget (although Business school budget has the highest budget among other major, all my major provided during snack event was some Korean traditional snacks, while Business school provided food like Burger, Sandwich, Pizza and Cola)

I helped Gyunnie ordering like 30 pans of Pizzas, and he needed to get some kind of a big discount to save budget so we had to buy it on a Tuesday and had to pick it up ourselves. Yes. 30 pans. You read it correctly.

I have mentioned how I let Gyunnie`s position as the president of student council defines me, it became my self esteem.

I was the student council president`s girlfriend. That validated me as a person.

Even now truthfully, it still validates me in a sense. Every time I feel distressed or when I do not have any confidence, I would tell myself this :

“Monica, stop embarrassing yourself and Gyunnie. Lift up your head. Straighten your shoulders. Walk. Walk confidently. You were Business School`s president girlfriend. You are his ex girlfriend now, and even though Gyunnie is no longer here, you are still here. Do not let it show, Gyunnie was liked and respected by a lot of people. By being happy and being “normal” –  you are honouring Gyunnie’s legacy and reputation. You do not want people to remember Gyunnie as that president who had a crazy ex girlfriend. Stay strong. You can do this. ”

It sounds … bad probably but this mantra works for me somehow.

-Monica