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SonaParticipant
Thank you for your reply Anita, really appreciate that.
Sometimes the reason i keep going back to him is, I feel like if I don’t resolve attachment/separation anxiety i can never have a successful loving relationship.
On the other hand, in a loving relationship this hollow feeling (rejection feeling) would not happen every time and i’m more aware now and learned to stay with it, so will find a way?
May I ask something? How one deal with this hollow feeling? Sometimes, I listen to good talks, try to talk to me that it’s ok, call my friend, watch movie, cry..but it takes time – even though I’m functional since morning there is still that feeling inside me..is there any effective way I am missing? Please let me know..
Thanks,
-SSonaParticipantHi Anita,
From yesterday I again started feeling uneasy that I have to see my therapist and the hollow feeling came back. I was enjoying my life – talking to friends, feeling safe and fine for two days and then yesterday evening as soon as thought came on my mind of seeing him, I started panic. It feels like it has created a trauma in my life – for so many years i get anxious seeing him, after that i am miserable for 2 days then enjoy and cycle goes on.So, yes, he did help me in certain areas but in some areas he fell short , and yes, it will be great for me to communicate directly with him and take care of my trauma , but I feel tired..I have learned enough from him, yes, may be if I keep going I will get more insight about me, but I feel like it’s enough..
May be he is good for me but right now i have to be gentle and kind towards me and take care of me..if that would mean i’ll take a break from the therapy and stay imperfect for a while, let it be..
Please let me know if I’m making any sense here?
Thanks,
-SSonaParticipantThank you so much Anita, that’s a very powerful and kind statement you made that I can count on this forum..Thank you!! I’ll take your offer..:)
wow, today I am able to reset in less than a day..that’s a progress..Even though I am not that “special” in my therapist life, I should look at what I have in my life and how I can live my full life, may he be happy in his life and may I find love someday but i’ll not wait and look for love,,i’ll try to connect (its’ difficult but may I have strength)..live my life..
Thank you again , may God bless you!
SonaParticipantYes, I can relate to that. I’m so attached and the same time I am afraid that he will reject me. I feel safe at the same time I feel unsafe.
Hence, when I come back from the session, sometimes I do Rick Hanson guided meditations – feeling safe (he starts by saying that imagine we are safe, we have enough oxygen etc), feeling cared about etc..
When I have that hollow feeling, all i want at that time is someone to hug me and say I am ok..you are good, you are not a bad person.
I feel so helpless and hopeless at that time. I have a very strong feeling at that time that people will reject me if they get to know me.In that hollow feeling, I feel like noone will love me, i’m all alone..I feel so disconnected from the world.. I guess that’s why
sometimes I want my therapist so bad as I feel like if I have him all the time, he will protect me as he does give me some safety.SonaParticipantThank you I think I understood somewhat.
I’ll write again next Friday after my session.
Thanks again for your help..since I always ended up having a hollow feeling after a session and it takes a toll on my physical and mental health, especially I believe that I am a bad person for attachment and so forth..hence, I was desperate to get some advice. So, thank you again!
SonaParticipantOne more thing I would like to add Anita is, sometimes i sit in the whole session thinking that he hates me, he wants me out, so it did teach me tolerance for my pain – rejection feelings. However, when I ask him do you hate me, he says no. We don’t go any further.
I believe, what you are suggesting is I should explore these feelings deeper, like why I feel like this as I’m in therapy for 4 years now..
Thank you in advance-
SonaParticipantThank you again for the reply Anita.
I feel better now and please correct me if I am wrong, but I think if I discuss in detail my feelings towards him and then exploring those feelings together in a therapeutic way will make me aware of the meaning of this attachment and hopefully once I develop an intimate relationship outside i will not get triggered that much as I would have understood the attachment better?
Right now, I am so afraid to even try to start an intimate relationship as I believe that i’ll screw up because of my trauma..and because i have so many patterns..I think that i’m not a relationship person.
SonaParticipantThank you so much for the reply Anita, I really appreciate that.
The first improvement is, I’m not on my meds anymore, I started meditation. I learned how to hold the pain now. I’m not that afraid at work, doing well, made some friends at work, improved my relationship with my parents. However, I don’t have any intimate relationship – I’m only involved with my therapist. I am so glad that you said it’s natural to create this attachment, however, whenever I bring to his attention that I have strong feelings, he doesn’t say it’s ok, he just listens. As a result, i feel even worse.
He inspired me to be a better person but going to his office, every week, my hands sweat and it’s a huge process for me – I do know that therapy can be difficult but is it this difficult? He brings up an intense desire in me to be in a loving relationship..and by meditation I realized that I need lot of self compassion – I try to love myself unconditionally but it’s difficult.
I think i’m very afraid that i will be lost without him..
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