Okay, thank you. I will keep that in mind. I hope none of my behavior has been harmful to anyone.

Yes, I have sort, I just feel like I can relate to the disorder so heavily. But I know it would be wrong to say I have the disorder since I haven’t been diagnosed yet. So I don’t know if I do have OCD or not.

Another thing that is causing me a lot of pain is that sometimes when I am scared that I did something horrible, but don’t know if I really did it or not, I will still try to come up with defenses and excuses in my head for this action I don’t even know if I did or not.

What I’m so afraid I’ve done is look away from someone being sexually assaulted/someone I thought might be, being sexually assaulted, as a way of proving to myself that it isn’t a “big deal” or something like that (it’s obviously a very big deal). I have this strong feeling that I have done that. But I can’t remember a circumstance where I did. I don’t know if this is just in my head or not but it feels very real. I ended up trying to make excuses up for it as if I have done that, and I actually had some sort of feeling of relief. Then I felt incredibly guilty for doing that. My mind even compared it to this post I read about someone who saw sexual assault happening and didn’t do anything about it, and this made me feel relief for a second as well.

I’m very sorry for burdening you with all my worries. I just feel like I have to get all this off my chest.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.

I don’t think it was anything from my childhood that made me feel like a bad person. My family has always been very loving and I am very lucky for that. I’m not sure if it’s anyone else’s fault except for my own that I feel like I’m not a good person. When I was 11 I started to have intrusive thoughts, and I think that’s when I started to believe I was bad.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.

Anita, I don’t think you know how much those words truly helped me. No one has been able to help me as much as you just did. Thank you.

I pushed as if I was trying to pee (I’m sorry that’s the only way I can explain it), I did not do anything that actually involved movement. I just let her lay on my legs.

Thank you Anita, my biggest mistake is very hard to explain since it has a lot to do with OCD I think, but I will copy and paste my mistake from another forum that I posted it on.

“I feel disgusting that this event ever happened and I feel so much guilt and regret when I look back on it. I’ve been able to live my life normally but it still makes me feel horrible everytime I think of it. I’m going to give some context before I tell the story though. Okay so I basically have an OCD sexual obsession for everything you are not supposed to be attracted to. And to make matters worse sometimes when I’m touched by someone I do not want to be attracted to, I feel something down there. I think it might be because of fear, because I do get the same feeling out of fear in other circumstances, and not because of anything sexually related. Anyways, what happened was I was sleeping over at a friend’s house (I was 13 or so) and her little sister jumped on top of my legs, and I think as a compulsion or something I wanted to prove to myself that the feeling I get down there when I get touched by people, I don’t want to be attracted to, is not related to being actually sexually attracted to them and it was just something that happened when anyone touched me. so I tried to get the feeling without realizing that what I was doing was wrong. I kind of pushed like I was trying to pee (I’m really sorry this story is so gross but that’s the only way I can explain it without not making sense?) To try to get the feeling. I don’t think that I thought of it as a sexual thing, and I know for sure I was not doing it for sexual pleasure. It was not like that at ALL. It was purely because I wanted to prove to myself it had nothing to do with sexual attraction. I’m not even sure if it counted as something sexual because I don’t even think what I was trying to do was have a sexual feeling since it was just like an anxious reaction I think. I know this story is probably really confusing and I might sound like a horrible person but I just had to let it off my chest. I accidentally did this two other times (not with the same person) without realizing what I was doing (one of the times was before this specific event and then one shortly after some how),. I don’t know how I made the same stupid mistake 3 times, I honestly just didn’t know what I was doing or something, it’s so weird. I don’t understand how I made the mistake again after feeling incredibly guilty. And then after I did it I would realize what just happened and hate myself. But after the third time I learned my lesson and didn’t forget it. Should I let myself move on or continue feeling guilty?”

I know that might be difficult to understand.. but now I compare myself with people who did worse than what I did. It causes me so much pain. I feel like an actual monster.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by sofia.