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want_to_be_a_better_person

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  • January 1, 2019 at 3:06 pm in reply to: How to be more accepting of people that I have a strained relationship with? #271929
    want_to_be_a_better_person
    Participant

    Hi Anita, great summary!

    I’m not sure what my power is, maybe the security I bring and the stigma that would be attached to the marriage failing.

    I don’t necessarily think that she wants me out, I think it’s more likely that she would just prefer me to be another person that she can control.  If I was submissive, she would maintain her position as the center of attention and center of control – I think this is what she would really like.  In fact, this is what the first few years was like after getting married. I was submissive, and things worked well as long as we spent adequate time visiting MIL, or if going away on holiday bringing her for some of it.  I did put my foot down a tiny bit in the early days so that we would at least have some time away alone, however, now the story is very different and I insist that my partner, children and I always go on holiday alone without MIL.

    I fully take on board what you say about power, but I do think I now need to be more accepting while still maintaining some boundaries like holidays.  I have gone too far with my current approach of non-communication and I think I now need to find the middle ground.

    Perhaps, I first focus on being amiable (this will be tough; trying to fake it to start with).  However,  whenever I next experience the controlling or putting down behaviour from my MIL – if I’m unable to assertively respond at the time – I make a note and create a pre-canned response for the next time?

    If after being amiable, visits start becoming too frequent, I address that by stating to my partner that I would like the next week to spend some time doing the same or similar thing with my family.

    Many thanks!

    December 31, 2018 at 2:16 am in reply to: How to be more accepting of people that I have a strained relationship with? #271583
    want_to_be_a_better_person
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    I didn’t want to dig up all of the issues because I really do want to move on.  The main issue preventing me from moving on I think is my emotional mastery.  Whenever I see my MIL, my behaviour has become a habit of passive-agressive behaviour.  I will say hello when I see her (for example when I’m with my partner) and goodbye when we part, but I can rarely muster up anything more than that.

    To provide some context … I have feel that my words are often manipulated.  My side of the family are excluded – she is usually rude when she meets them.  If she asks me a question for example how is my day, after about 15 seconds her face goes blank and she seems to ignore me.  She interrupts in conversations, by answering questions directed at others even when I prefix the question with the intended recipient’s name.  I have been undermined with rules I try to set for my kids.  She manipulates my partner and her adult brothers and sisters to guilt them into spending time or doing things with her.  She seems to always want to be the center of attention.  I could go on and on, but these things have finally led me to the strategy where I minimise my conversation with her and therefore minimise opportunities for being attacked.  I have confirmed through other family members that they have experienced some of the above behaviour’s too.  I have investigated the behaviours and I think some of the traits are narcissistic.

    I really do want to focus on moving forward because my reactions are making me the person seen to be doing all the wrong.  Even though I am quite well educated, I’m not quick thinking in verbal communication, so I’m usually unable to assertively react to events/comments when they happen so I tend to stew on them afterwards.  I have, however, started putting together a list of assertive responses for typical situations so that I’m ready to handle things ‘nicely’.

    Boundaries are unspoken (my partner is too scared to say ‘no’ to her mum – she will usually put her mum’s wishes before mine) and therefore boundaries seem to just result from my behaviour.  For example, I have made MIL feel uncomfortable so she doesn’t turn up unannounced and she has even rejected invitations for coming around when asked by my partner.

    I appreciate that if I become accepting of bad behaviour, it will feed the problem, but if I don’t start putting up and being nicer, my relationship with my partner is not going to survive.  Apart from these issues, my relationship with my partner is on the whole pretty good.

    Thanks for listening!

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